Great post! Kudos to you, Zina, for being faithful to yourself in spite of any trouble it may cause you.

Well, there's always the argument that, if we were able to, why would any (or at least, most) of us choose to be someone that would have such a tough life? *shrug* I think that is enough to prove it's not a choice.

Being a late-in-lifer myself, and one who came out to herself while married, I can certainly appreciate some of the pain that so many of our queer family feel when they figure out their sexuality while trying so hard to "choose" to not be who they are. If choosing to live a straight life were possible, I don't think so many of us would have come home to ourselves and our sexuality while trying to do it. We certainly would have been happier while trying, right? I don't know many (if any) queer friends who've been able to "choose" a straight life and find any happiness in their lives.

So, no, I don't think we can "choose."

On the other hand, playing devil's advocate here, if the issue is to choose to make our lives less hard, we can certainly "choose" to live our lives less openly. We can choose to be with someone who doesn't make their sexuality very obvious and we can choose to be one of those people ourselves. I don't know that we can choose to do that and still be as happy as we would be if we acted naturally, but it's a choice we can make. Turning off our sexuality and convincing ourselves that we like men only and don't have these feelings for women? I don't think we can "choose" that.

Sexuality, most definitely, is not a choice whether someone is struggling with its acceptance or not. Even though a person may deny or not accept their sexuality the fact of the matter is that its still that person's sexuality. I agree with many others that choice comes in to play when an individual choose how to deal with their feelings. I must say that even though one may accept their homosexuality, their experiences and culture dictates how it is handled or acted upon.

"didn’t understand why if I was already a woman, and black, and a vegetarian, why I’d want to make my life harder by being a lesbian." -- Verbatim, my mother said that same exact thing to me when I told her that I was a lesbian.

I can't just switch my feelings off. If I love someone I can't just decide that I'm not gonna love them anymore, and if I do decide that, then it's gonna take some time for the feelings to go away. So no, its not a choice b/c I cant just erase certain parts of me and replace it with other more acceptable traits.

If it was a choice I wouldn't have spent so much of my life depressed and uncomfortable, having very low selfesteem and attempting to date men. I've met so many perfect husbands in my life, who would do anything for me it is unreal, yet there was just something about it that wouldn't work for me. I could have went with it, gotten married and had children, but eventually I would have broken away, and killed (not literally) the poor guy.

There is a point in your life where you make a conscious choice to be yourself and be happy or continue the lie and force yourself to be who you are not. There is always some trigger in your life that forces you to recognize it and deal with it, but it is not a point where you just up and decide "hey I think I'll be gay."

I think you can only make the choice NOT to act on hour homosexuality, i.e. pretend heterosexuality. But being gay or not is not a choice.

Yet again awesome article. I really enjoy reading your writings. I of course believe deep down you cant choose. Like you, ive always known. OK so i didnt REALIZE it until i was what? 14. One day laying on my sofa staring at my buffy calendar i was like "holy shit im gay :o". But after that, everything in my life made sense and i realized that had been true for all of my life. Not just now. I never really felt happy with any of my boyfriends and i guess now its makes sense. I think people who DO choose, are more likely to have many unhappy relationships.

N it really narks me when people say "oh ur gay AND black" i mean, if ur gay... that puts you into a totally different league altogether. So any other differences, be it race, gender, culture or anything other differing facts, are usually accepted a lot easier. The LGBTQ community are, obviously, more accepting because we ARE the "freaks" and the "weirdos". We have nothing to discriminate against.
Plus, if someones gonna discriminate, theyre just gonna. Having two things to pick from isnt gonna make much difference.

Christ that was way more than i planned to write. Ur a total giver if u read all ur comments lol. It looks like a headache in here. But again, nice stuff. Always nice to read. Ty

of course it's a conscious choice - sexuality involves self-identification. this is a stupid question and really oversimplifying shit.

It's all about choice - choice to accept, choice to deny....

I knew I was attracted to my girlfriends in elementary school. Think that was easy to deal with in the mid - to late-50's??????

I grew up afraid of my feelings and thoughts and terrified that if I shared myself with anyone, let alone ACTED ON THEM -- I'd be hauled away, locked up and never see my family again. Thankfully when I went away to college, I met other lesbians. (Well, actually I met my FIRST lesbian women friends at the Girl Scout Camps where I was a counselor for 10 years!)

One of those counselors who was in a great relationship with another woman got involved with a guy that fall after leaving camp and before you know it, she was announcing her wedding. No body believed she was in love with this guy...it all seemed too much like running away from what she has discovered about herself.

So the choice I refer to is about self-acceptance. No offense to anyone's personal struggle, but I think that there's more support for coming out today - whether that makes it easy or not is a crap shoot. Everyone has to face their own families, friends, co-workers...the woman in the mirror.

I caught crap from an employer for being out as a performing artist/lesbian activist in the 80's - and she was GAY. She was afraid it would reflect badly on her business, although all close friends and clients knew about her sexuality. It was crazy!

People run to "normalcy" - i.e., homosexuality - to fit in, to conform to outside pressures, because they can't handle their personal truth... there's lots of reasons. And then there's the cult people who can be hired by someone's family to "cure you."

From the earliest time I can remember, I was attracted to women. I've been publicly out for 37 years (since age 20). I chose not to run from who I am. People makes those choices every day.

Can we turn off our sexuality? No. But can we go into denial? People do it every day. I believe that as we work together to create an environment when we truly have equal rights for LGBT persons, a person won't have to grapple with self acceptance....

Shows like TLW bring us closer to that, and I celebrate Ilene and the cast and crew for this monumental contribution to forwarding Human Rights.

Still, on an individual level, I believe it will always ultimately come down to what a person is willing to accept and act upon as their personal truth.
Peace.

MsQueer

What I think and I think it because I've watch, read and heard ppl talk about the way they found out they were gay or lesbien, is that you WERE homo when you were in your mom belly!!

The thing is, it all depends of what your life is. No one ives they same experience cause no body will react to something the same way.

So,I found out, REALLY found out, when I first kiss a girl. But before that, I had crush many times on girls since....as far as I can remember. But when I lived, homosexuality didnt exist. But I found out years later that many of my dad uncle or cousin where gay. So suddenly, it existed to my mind. I wasnt odd or anything.
But I have to say, when I was in 4th grade (1994), some of my friends told me there was a girl who was a lesbien, that she kiss girls. I remember telling myself "could be fun to do" but it didnt go so far since I was scared of kissing or being kissed by a girl.
After having only 2 bf and kissing only 4 differents guys(I know its not alot but HEY! I'm lesbien), it never gave me that intensity I feel when I kiss a girl.

So I didnt choose to be a lesbien. I didnt choose to disapoint my mom. I didnt choose to be the girl other girl a scare of (cuz everyone knows lesbien cant control their hands, LOL just kinding by the way). And I REALLY didnt choose to have so much difficulties to find the one for me, when I could just pretend to be str8, getting married the next month and having a house, dogs and everything I want.

So choose yourself

Follow my heart only...

What does anyone gain by justifying sexuality to the masses?

If I didn't choose this, can I be assured that I will not be villified by an increasingly homophobic America/world? Better yet, if I DIDN'T choose this, will this heated gay debate cease and we can all go back to eating tofu and installing the picket fences?

Here's a radical question: What if I did choose this?

There are so many implications here. If I chose this, if we ALL chose this, does that justify wretched and unkind treatment? Would we all agree that it is suddenly an abomination to make your girlfriend scream in ecstasy while she's holding on the edge of--(sorry, had an TLW moment.)

My point is this: this conversation is saturated in fear and lacks courage to assert the power of choice (whether or not this is what's at work here). Every time we fearfully declare: "this is NOT choice," we arm the opposition with a cause to prove us wrong. And if that were to happen--which it does everyday with the holy bible and it's apparently infallible scriptures--then we are fucked.

And besides, we only scream "no it's not a conscious choice" at the top of our lungs, oh so quickly, hoping to eradicate those little niggling doubts at the back of our minds. We explain: "That we only checked out that random Joe because we thought he was a girl." We are secretly FREAKED out that we could have a sexual encounter with a male and *GASP* enjoy it? And shit, what will we do if our respectable dyke posse finds out that we're turned on by STRAIGHT porn and have contemplated a threesome with the forever fucking neighbors who live in apt 4A. And we all know that Ashley was the best sex you've ever had but, goddamn it, when you were 13 and you pushed Jose against that bench--that kiss has never been recreated. And fucking A, your therapist is part of this conspiracy too because he reminds you every time that this NOT a fucking choice--but what if he's wrong? Will you be part of his next paper that disproves decades of work... And fuck you Freud, for the shit that you started--(Panic Check).

Ladies, do we really need science to prove that we're human? Why are we so afraid that this very same science will prove that we aren't?

Namaste

it could or could not be a choice..but if i had one: i love to dig girls and girls love to dig me.. so i choose not to be hetorosexual... i am too content to be who i am...a homo... ditto on the way that girls smell or walk or talk or just are...

i mean some ppl are stuck in this whole are you born that way, did you choose this way thing. I think that its a blended mix of the two. i think its kind of there and certain things bring it out and from there choose to accept or reject or be stuck someplace in between. i mean i always liked girls as long as i could remember. i had boyfriends and had plenty sex with them and all that good stuff. but then i realized i just did't like it and felt like there was something missing. after my 1st female sexual experience i felt like i found the one thing that woukd make me happy. so to make a long story short im now a lesbain and fully accept. most of my family knows (my moms in denial/never told but i know she knows/whole nother convo) and there all like hey thats fine you my neice and will always be so. what ever floats ya boat type things. i have brought many females over to meet my fam and enjoy in family stuff. and it comes so natural. if it does not feel natural then its not for you. yes I AM a black lesbain. and love every minute of living in this fucked up world full of haters and racist. but you know what if some one asked gave me the chance to turn it off. i would never do it. i am who i am. i do thing just like everyone else does. i wake up in the morning, i eat food, i shit, i sleep. i have sex (sometimes). i watch reality tv. i listed to music. i do the same shit st8 ppl do. whats the big deal if i choose to love a woman instead of a man. im a woman who loves women and to ask anything other than that is just plain stupid... have a nice night

***IM ME***

The choice idea comes, as far as I can tell, from the belief that homosexuality is not a natural orientation, but either a choice or a psychological disorder. The American Psychological Association's website explains that it is not a choice (in most cases) and one can choose to go into the closet, or pass for straight, but not to actually change ones orientation. I suspect that those who do find this possible, and are happy with the choice are bi, or somewhere else on the beautiful spectrum of sexuality.

As so many others have noted, the choice is on how you respond, and how you accept ones sexuality.

My father said almost the exact same thing to me. Even though he was accepting of me being a lesbian he couldn't figure out WHY I would want to add yet another type of minority to my profile (black, lesbian, female...).

Anyway, to answer the question...I think sexuality itself is pretty much solidified by the time we are old enough to make such decisions. In that, I think we have little choice in the gender(s) we are attracted to. I think some people choose to live openly with their sexuality while others choose to live a life that is expected of them, denying their true sexuality.

It's an invididual choice, but it is definitely the individual that pays the cost of the choice. Some people pay more than others whether they come out or supress their innate sexuality.

For me, I cannot see choosing to live a life that represses a very key part of your humanity. And for what reward?

Both of my parents have made similar statements about the "choice" to be gay. I've been able to make my father see that to live any other way would be a complete lie to all the people I know. My mother still can't wrap her head around the concept that the only choice is in living true to yourself and others -- not the reality of your attractions.

Has anyone seen the documentary "for the bible tells me so" I found it very interested even thought most studies were done on males, but still very very interesting.. i recommend it.

*Dreamer.D*