hah this is soo true on soo many levels.. by what everyone has said. the last time i tried to come out to everyone ,my mother placed me in a mental hospital..when i was a child growing up in a catholic/baptist enviroment i was always taught that being gay was wrong and i would go to hell(which i still have problems dealing with this matter..sad but true)the point is me and my oldest sister are both gay we have been taking care of eachother since we were little, so some of my family blame it on my sister others, well they think it was from being raped for 4 years of my childhood.. well once i hit puberty i fell in love with girls.. my first kiss, sexual experience, yep it was all a girl.. now i did have sex with men and have recently but like one of you said it made me sick not there pesonality because i always go for the gay men but just that i feel like men are breeding tools when im having sex with them im working at something (i hate saying that but in my head it feels like the truth).. a few months ago i had decided on becoming "sex free" because i could never deal with being with or married to a man however im scared on behalf of my life to be with a woman, this sounds stupid to most people but its real life for me, im a lesbian i just dont act one it.. to the beginner of this post thank you for this it helps

When I told my mom, she said that being gay was a "choice that has consequences" so I should "really think hard about it." But every single thing we do in life is a choice. A choice to do what you want or to deny yourself. And everything has consequences. When my mom married my dad, as opposed to any other man out there, she made a choice, and she has had to live with all the results of that.

I think that when people accept themselves as gay, they aren't choosing to be gay, they are just choosing to be happy. If choosing happiness has consequences, well so does choosing misery. The question is, in which situation do you feel happy enough that the negative consequences are worth it?

So no, I don't think anyone "wants" to be gay. I think most people want to be themselves and accept themselves because that is the only way to be truly happy.

Hi Zina:

Wow, this is actually so complex it could take a lifetime of dialog to share what we all feel about this subject.

It seems to me that in order to understand, we would need to ask ourselves..... do I want to be authentic to who I am and what I feel or do I want to be what society has conditioned me to be?

We can all ACT straight. But, simply doing what we've been "programmed " to do, to keep "order" in our culture is not REALLY being straight. It's simply ACTING straight.

I can't help but feel that we, as lesbians , are constantly having to explain why we feel the passion we feel. And, explain " just what it is" that us, as lesbians , do that a man can't do. What a shallow, view of our life's journey.

So many people define lesbians and gay men by sex acts. Can you imagine if we defined our parents by the sex acts they shared! YUK.....

I have always been driven by a closeness, a warmth, a lingering passion that has only been satisfied by a women. Sure we could all fuck a guy. Would that make us straight? I don't think so. I could experience a straight "act" , but it wouldn't be authentically me. It would only be a sex act.

I guess that's how I feel. We shouldn't be judged, by others, in terms of our sexuality only, being a lesbian is so much more than just sex. And, society doesn't look at straights that way,thay aren't judged soley by their " sex act" . It seems , to me , that we shouldn't have to continually explain our sexuality....... we are more than what we do.

If I never had sex again, I would still be a lesbian.

Peace and Love to All.

It is hard to say that being gay is a conscious choice because it is more of a journey to finally being true to yourself and being brave enough to be who you are in a world full of people who will hate you for it. For some people it takes time to choose to accept who you really are, others choose to be unhappy living in denial, and many choose to lead double lives--hence the "down low" dilemia. Some of the things that I have gone through as a black lesbian woman, I would not wish on my worst enemy yet I cannot imagine choosing not to be true to myself.

Tiffany

I don't think it's a choice. I know when I came out I felt like finally things were as they were suppose to be. I too would do little things like changing the he's to she's in songs. The boy I did date was so into me and yet I would find every possible flaw in him, subconsciously not allowing myself to enjoy his company. I would find myself having crushes on my girl friends more than my guy friends and I thought maybe I was the only one who felt this way; maybe there was something wrong with me.

ahah I obviously now know that I was wrong, and that nothing is wrong with me. I think everything is just how it's suppose to be and it feels absolutly amazing. When your entire being is so entangled in such desire, you can't just turn it off.

Not only that, it isn't at all the short end of the stick. If anything, I felt miserable not knowing and not being comfortable to come at terms with who I am.

You answered your own question:
...I would have to say that I would never feel like I was getting the shorter end of the stick unless I made the choice to not be who I truly was.

Yes, how could it be the shorter end of the stick to be fully the person you are?

In my life it's not a choice. I've tried to not be gay for a long, very long time. But it seems every time I was with a guy my body was literally pushing away from him, cringing away without my mind wanting to.
I wanted to be with the guys, I wanted to be normal but I couldn't make myself. It was uncomfortable and it made me anxious. I couldn't look them in the eye, which is something I make a point to do in everyday life. I couldn't touch them easily at all. Even a brush across the shoulder made me move away if I knew they were attracted to me.
So for the sake of the guys' confusion and my sanity I'm sticking with women.
As far as i know, my "gayness" isn't conscious even if i want it to be.

There is a part of my lesbianism which is absolutely unconscious, that is what made me fall in love with my best friend when I was 16, what made me incredibly attracted to my first girlfriend, etc.

On the other hand, there is also a conscious choice: although I could have a boyfriend, I simply do not WANT to. I wouldn't die with a boyfriend, I would totally survive and get along, but in complete awareness of the consequences I decide to do what pleases me the most, what makes me happier. I think I have a right to. I definitely prefer women, therefore I consciously decide to do what's best for me.

So it's both: having feelings is unconscious, acting on them is conscious.

i grew up mormon and i honestly didn't even know what homosexuality was until one day when i asked my mom why her brother had never gotten married. she responded "well, sweetie, he's gay" and that's when the curiosity started. before then i always had crushes on like 10 different boys at a time. i got my first boyfriend my senior year of high school and we dated through our first year of college. we talked about having threesomes with other girls but nothing ever happened. then, my in my second year, i met this girl (who i'm currently dating). now i find i have no sexual attraction to men at all. sure, i notice cute guys, but i don't think about what's underneath their clothes the way i do with women. i mean, it all makes sense now! i used to watched girl on girl porn when i was like 13 because it turned me on more than the porn with men.

for me it's hard to say if dating a girl happened as a choice or as something i can't help. i know that i could have ignored my feelings toward her and continued down the path of dating men, but i know i'd still be curious about women if that had been my decision. i'm incredibly happy and in love, and i know that it's "real" and not just some experimental fling, as some people have told me. i guess it was my choice, but i'm definitely not going back :)

I think sexuality is fluid however not everyone wants to act on their feelings. Not all lesbians want to admit that a guy turns them on. Not all straight girls want to admit a woman turns them on. In my life I've tried both ends of the continuum and find that my heart is with women, but occasionally a man is extremely attractive. I don't mind the attraction, but I know the poor guy will be hurt in the end. So, I don't bother AND I won't be fulfilled in the way I know it will feel with a woman. I've come to terms with my own sexuality, unfortunately some of those in my life don't accept it.

It would be easier to be straight (more people to choose from and more societal acceptance), but it would mean I'd miss out on what I really love - and that's women.

There seems to be an undercurrent of lesbians who dis women who don't mind admitting their sexual attraction for men. As hard as it is for some people to accept their own sexuality and then get bashed from within the community - I think double the rejection, double the pain. It blows. Live and let live.

For a long time I was miserable and I just could not put my finger on it. I was married with a dog and a nice place to live. I got to go through most of college with out having to work. The man that I was married to was not perfect but he adored me.
When the marriage ended after 5 years I met Alex. As soon as she came into my life I had that moment of realization. This is what I had been missing. This is the thing that has never quite felt right. Once that happened there was no turning back for me. I had to live my life on my own terms. I also realized that as well as feeling so right that when I got hurt that it cut like nothing else had before and I am feeling the effects of that right now.
My partner and I just separated two days ago, but that is a whole other topic.

Looking back I am not sure how I did not see that the truth about myself before then but maybe I was just not ready.
There was no choice involved, there was just an awaking.
I still want the same things that I always knew I wanted. A partner, friend, and lover, not any more or less than what I think everyone wants. Now I just know who I want it with.

Some people freak out at the thought of being gay and having to come out and what it all means for the future. And at that point, when you sit with yourself and think about the past and that somewhere deep down you knew all along, there is a conscious decision to move forward with your knew-found sense of self, or to go into denial etc.

I think when you come to the realization that this is who you are, you make a conscious decision to be who you are, be true to yourself and maybe not take the easy way out by pretending to be something you're not. But the feelings themselves are definitely not conscious and can't be stopped. At least I can't stop being attracted to women.