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From The Writers' Room: The L Word 911
June 12, 2008 - 7:25am — Cassie Pappas
911 Transcripts from The L Word writers’ room.
(Ring)
Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Caller: Um, hello? I need...
Dispatcher: Hello. Ma’am, are you there?
Caller: (out of breath) I need… I need your help. I’m chained to my Mac… They won’t let me outta here. They make me type everything they say… Send someone. Fast.
Dispatcher: Tell me where you are.
Caller: If you don’t… they’re gonna. Oh, no. Please...
Dispatcher: Ma’am, are you okay?
Caller: There’s a hole… a big giant scary hole…
Dispatcher: Where?
Caller: In our story-line...
Dispatcher: Where are you?
Caller: Hollywood. The L Word writers’ room. Send a woman.
(Click)
The door to the writers’ room busts open. An LAPD female officer stands in the doorway. "Freeze! Put your hands up! You have the right to remain a lesbian!"
Dissolve into reality:
Okay, fine. I didn’t really call 911, and we weren’t held up at gunpoint. The cop just walked in wearing khakis and sat down, but still. We had a real, live crime stopper in the writers’ room this week — all in the name of research. Mariska Hargitay, eat your heart out. [Insert Law & Order gavel sound here.]
Name of officer: unable to be released.
Reason for interview: classified information.
The court (Ilene Chaiken) has ruled this inadmissible evidence for this blog. Let's proceed.
Upon entrance, the officer, Lady Law we’ll call her, was clearly off duty. Sans uniform, with nothing but a Blackberry Pearl holstered to her belt, she looked ready for a take down or text off. Then it dawned on me. This woman could ask for your number today and give you a booking number tomorrow.
The paranoia sets in. I began to visualize random nuggets of weed wedged in my passenger seat from the late '90s. She for sure has a drug dog in her car. She totally did a background check on me before this meeting. She knows about that one night at Mardi Gras for indecent exposure, all for a strand of beads.
I avoid eye contact, begin to eat my feelings and nervously chomp on the organic sea salt rice chips in front of me. Lady Law speaks of P.C.T.’s (Pain Compliance Techniques) and P.F.Q.’s (Physical Fitness Qualification) in a very drop-and-give-me-20 kind of voice. I fear, at any moment, she’s going to use me as an example for a take-down move. Maybe if I stop eating, she won’t see me. But I can’t. I’m a nervous eater and my inner fat chick, Connie, is alive and well and scared of being tasered in front of my boss.
Lady Law moves on to explaining IDOL situations. I can’t help but picture her in the squad car, eating a box of doughnuts, texting her vote to Seacrest for her favorite Idol. The light bulb above my head dims as soon as I hear her sobering words — Immediate Defense of Life — which is apparently the only time an officer is allowed to pull their gun.
Light bulb goes on again — gun! Wonder where her gun is?! There’s no way it’s on her. She’s wearing a pair of GAP khakis. Come on. She’s in a room full of writers. Her gun is definitely in her car... with the drug dog... and my background check. Should I ask where it is? No, that’s lame. Just keep your mouth shut, Cassie. Eat some snacks.
Then, like the Puerto Rican Virgin of Guadalupe, Rose Troche said it: “Where’s your gun?” Lady Law’s eyes smiled. A moment of silence. OMG. It’s on her. I stopped mid-fist-full of Pirate’s Booty as Lady Law lifted the right pant leg of that innocent all-American-looking GAP khaki. Gasp. An ankle gun. Lady Law was strapped! Packing heat on her ankle!
After that, I basically went deaf. I have no idea what was said from that moment on. All I could do was stare at her ankle. I pictured her at the beach with it on, wondered if she showered with it. I imagined it under her pillow, or perhaps strapped over the flannel pajama pant at home in front of the fire. Then it went into the holiday series... Thanksgiving — ankle gun. Christmas — ankle gun. Slow-motion Easter egg hunt with the kids — ankle gun.
Photo. www.htl-wireless.com
Next thing I knew the meeting was over. No take-down moves, no taser. Just the innocent flash of a .38 special ankle gun. I had made it through the storm. Then, out of nowhere, Lady Law makes a swift move for her holster. Everyone ducks. I’m already planning my stop, drop and roll to land me safely under the Ikea coffee table, away from any stray drive-by bullets. And as my life flashes before my eyes, I look up to see Lady Law on her Blackberry. Note to self: phone is in holster, gun is on ankle.
The writers’ room clears, and I steal a moment alone. Dear God, I promise to never drive drunk, never join a gang and never underestimate a woman in a pair of khakis. Amen.
- Cassie Pappas's blog
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45 Comments
♥♥♥♥♥
♥♥♥♥♥ www.lesmingle.com ♥♥♥♥♥
is really a nice place that I met a lot
of lesbian friends and it also has a lot of hot vids and pics
Wow
This story is amazing, and the writing awesome. I enjoyed every word of it. "Note to self: phone is in holster, gun is on ankle."
Nice creativity.
Love it.
Curious4life. EL.
so ...
tasha is def going to b a cop! u r too funny girl!
911 Transcripts from The L Word writers’ room
I was hoping this was a little bit of prophecy...Season 9 Episode 11.
Lady's in uniform !!!!
well i just need to say that the Lady's in uniform at LA pride last weekend were "Very Welcome" to search me! thanks for the blog.....i posted some pics of LA pride '08 ,more comimg soon ...L_word_luver
Seriously though..
I think I had the same woman search me!! Hhhhhappy Pride! :-)
what the?
I always thought your inner fat chick was named Lucy. Wow, you think you know someone. So entertaining. When do we get to hear about rooftop yoga?
So that was YOU
at Mardi Gras?!?!?!
Great stuff!....and we've got the law in Season Six!!!! Ewwwwww - someone's got a run in with it OR someone's gonna be one of 'em!!!! Can't wait! Keep writin', Hon!
.....and that htl pic above - I want one of those!
Nothing but love
Tex "Bubba"
I must say Cassie, that this
I must say Cassie, that this gave me a much-needed giggle fit. Also, good to know that I'm not the only one who finds Mariska Hargitay sexy.
Oh Hon, you're not the only
Oh Hon, you're not the only one who finds Mariska sexy. I'm pretty sure she has a very big lesbian following.
Mmmmmm
You can add this lesbian to that list!
N!k
i just discovered....
that I am not the only one who thinks like that when a cop is around! What a relief! Too many times have I been teased for being paranoid about cops and their tasers/guns. You have no idea Cassie (and inner Connie) how many people on facebook who just got wind of this as evidence in support of my own sanity (and for a very hearty laugh).
"Dear God, I promise to never drive drunk, never join a gang and never underestimate a woman in a pair of khakis. Amen."
with you there! n_n
Cassie 007 your O.S.S.R.C
Cassie 007 your O.S.S.R.C (organic sea salt rice chips) mission succeeds. Next mission "is ankle a good erogen zone" on Thusday !
ps : 007 pay attention handy ankle can be fatal weapon, see here :
http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=Vonzh0QTFEI
especially if you get a little piece of rice chips in the ear !(note : it could explain why our agent became death)
lol got a good laugh out of
lol
got a good laugh out of this
if there is a god, we will
if there is a god, we will get to see sexy tasha in a cop uniform!!!!
whoa!
i didn't think of that, but it makes sense. good idea!!! i hope you are right.
hmm...
could that be
Dani ReeseSarah Shahi/Carmen? ;-)LMAO
Hahaa! that was funny! My daughter plays softball with a cop next time I go to a game I'll keep an eye on her ankles not her ass! Ilene come out and play!!!!!!!
jan
This was hilarious, I love
This was hilarious, I love it
LMAO
Just what I needed after a really weird week!
Illegitimi non carborundum
Cassie, I was just
Cassie, I was just wondering. Could you speak to your inner fat Connie for my inner skinny Cate? Maybe they could share a vegan chocolate chip cookie and a Chai sometime!:)
You fucking crack me up, woman!
I'm betting this is pertaining to Tasha's new career change.
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
Niice One Rovermom! ;)
I was thinking the ladies might be doing some research in reference to Tasha as well...
******
"Change is created by those whose imaginations are bigger than their circumstances." Unknown
"Freeze! Put your hands up!
"Freeze! Put your hands up! You have the right to remain a lesbian!"
lol! Thanks for making my night
i would have also love "put
i would have also love "put your hands down there! you have the right to remain a lesbian"
lol my night too
Love it!!!
Did she show you how to assume the position? j/k... But seriously- why did you guys have Lady Law in your office to begin with? Can you through us a bone?? I do love a good bone...
nice!!!
i have an inner fat chick too. i haven't named her but she tends to take over when things get rough. lol!
love the blog! put a smile on my face after a bad day!
Cassie....you're soooooooo talented!!
"Freeze! Put your hands up! You have the right to remain a lesbian!"
........The next time I enter CLUB BOUNCE in Laguna Beach I'm gonna wear my nawtee cop outfit and use this line!......
"I stopped mid-fist-full of Pirate’s Booty as Lady Law lifted the right pant leg of that innocent all-American-looking GAP khaki."
......mmmmmmmm I thought I liked Pirate's Booty but your description of Lady Law, so nasty in those Khakis, sounded even better........
"I’m already planning my stop, drop and roll to land me safely under the Ikea coffee table."
.......don't forget to grab some snacks for Connie as you roll to safety and hope that the Ikea table was assembled correctly.....
CONGRATS CASSIE.... BEST BLOG YET..... SO DESCRIPTIVE.... THE VISUALS WERE HYSTERICAL..... IF ILENE CHAIKEN SAYS IT'S INADMISSABLE EVIDENCE FOR YOUR BLOG..... DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN EXPECT A BERRY TOTIN', .38 STRAPPIN', SEXY LADY LAW SCENE THIS SEASON?
LMFAO!!
"There’s a hole… a big giant scary hole…"
"The paranoia sets in..."
"My inner fat chick, Connie, is alive and well..."
"After that, I basically went deaf."
DUDE! That was TOO much! ;)
For some reason 'the fuzz' also makes me nervous and I tend to avoid making eye contact...It's a good thing that she didn't show up in uniform - there probably would have been a real 911 call to the paramedics! ;)
******
"Change is created by those whose imaginations are bigger than their circumstances." Unknown
OH MY GOD
Absolute best line: "I pictured her at the beach with it on, wondered if she showered with it."
Or "Just keep your mouth shut, Cassie. Eat some snacks.". You are hysterical!!! Best blog yest, Pappas... blog on with your bad self :-)
girls in uniform!!
aaaaahhhhhh....women in uniform have to be the one thing other then the bitting of my ear that turns me in faster hen a sports car!!!!! i love it they get you scared and the prounce on you like a lion and the the love you get is better then ever...lol... well i like the fact that this might gives us all a HUGE!! clue that our TASHA will be accepted into the L.A.P.D.......... anyways dont be afaid a gun around the ankle is sexier then one around the waist welll girls hope ypu have fun and have a wonderful day~~~!!!
That's exactly what...
I was thinking...Seems like their doing a bit of research for the L.A.P.D story line for Tasha. Although personally the L.A.P.D frightens me...I'm just sayin'!
I was thinking the same
I was thinking the same thing about Tasha. She was planning on becoming a cop, so it would make sense to make it authentic.
What good is a paranoid reaction?
All it can do is make a woman want to go straight--dump the weed, get sober and drive the speed limit for ever and ever. NO, not the "straight" straight. A dyke can hold onto her queerness and still get rid of the weed, get sober and drive the speed limit. OH, but wait a minute, this sounds like sexual tension. Maybe it would be better to mention the weed, talk about driving home from a particular club on Friday nights with a blurring buzz on and allude to how your Subaru climbs to upwards of 120 mph on an open freeway.
Lezbeth
Woman in uniform...
I have always wondered where the head of security at my firm kept her gun. Next time I steal a glance at her (I do this at least 3 times a day) will check out her ankles.
There is something about a woman in uniform - lean muscles and grace in one package. Damn!!!
"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself"
The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran
Riyeeet??
Nothing beats a woman in uniform, riiiight??? OMG, you so have to check out your head of security's ankles :-) Or, I'm gonna guess the small of her back. Just don't make any sudden movements :-)
Ha!
Will sudden movements get me "arrested"? I can only dream right? :)
"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself"
The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran
i love that...
i love that...
Great stuff! And I'd like
Great stuff! Funny you mention Mariska Hargitay. I've always thought she should have a guest role on the L-word. :)
Hah!
Cassie, you have the best job!
Now, I'm wondering if that female cop was the same officer at the Burbank Police Department table that was next to the ourchart.com table set up on the lawn of the Doral Resort during The Dinah Weekend. Rusty remembers her, I'm sure...
if rusy doesnt, i sure do!
i faked an interest in "joining the force" just to talk to her :-)
dog.
;)
Reno 911
I was thinking more along the lines of Reno 911.
That was
That was hilarious!!!
♥
lmao
Caller: There’s a hole… a big giant scary hole…
Dispatcher: Where?
Caller: In our story-line...
Dispatcher: Where are you?
Caller: Hollywood. The L Word writers’ room. Send a woman
LMAO!!!!!
I'm sure the .38 wasn't the only one.....she probably had a .9mm on her side under her shirt....at least next time you have a better place to stare at!!! LOL!!! ;)
I love your blogs!!!!!
BUBBA LOVE
"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."Elizabeth Barrett Browning