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The Dyke Nod
July 9, 2008 - 8:10am — Katie Liederman
Ah, the elusive dyke nod. I've searched far and wide for it. I've spent years prowling mean New York City streets, praying for the opportunity to share that moment with another gaywad: that magical, wordless moment in which a big time lesbo sees me, identifies me as a fellow homosexual and then ever-so-slightly jerks her head upwards while maintaining eye contact. It's not a come-on; it's an acknowledgment of our mutual status as a marginally oppressed minority. And it's yet to happen to me.
Whenever I try to give the dyke nod, I get one of two reactions (neither of them being particularly desirable):
1. They lick their lips and smirk at me, as if to say, "I know you want it. Good news, bi-curious stranger: maybe someday you can have it."
2. They look away in horror and then act as if it never happened.
More often than not, it's the latter, but that's not my point. My point is this: I don't look gay, so I never get the dyke nod. Of course, this could be remedied by chopping off all my hair, wearing a Tegan and Sara hoodie or tromping around in a pair of unbecoming combat boots. Then I'd get the nod. At least I'd like to think I would.
Problem is, that's not my style. I like to think of the high femme aesthetic as something comparably gay-looking. Just as women on the butcher end of the spectrum tend to dress and conduct themselves parodically (i.e. like the manliest man you've ever known), femmes do the same, but they're lampooning femininity. In the same dazzling vein as fiercely campy drag queens, femmes wear those corsets and those fake eyelashes and those collagen lip injections with a wink and a smile. I would kill to look as good as Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar.
Here's the problem: straight girls can look like drag queens as well. Which is why I've gotten so many confused looks from too-much-makeup-wearing off-duty hairdressers in their spike heels and tiny dresses. Another femme! I'll squeal internally, and awkwardly nod in their direction. That's when they look away, either perplexed or repulsed, and that's when I notice that they've got one hand tucked in the back pocket of their boyfriend's hideous Ed Hardy jeans.
Last night at my bar, I started talking to the barback, a butch girl with a physique reminiscent of a body-builder. I noticed that another outrageously jacked dyke had sauntered into the bar, and I asked the barback the following question: "Do you give other dykes with large muscles a special nod?"
Whenever I try to give the dyke nod, I get one of two reactions (neither of them being particularly desirable):
1. They lick their lips and smirk at me, as if to say, "I know you want it. Good news, bi-curious stranger: maybe someday you can have it."
2. They look away in horror and then act as if it never happened.
More often than not, it's the latter, but that's not my point. My point is this: I don't look gay, so I never get the dyke nod. Of course, this could be remedied by chopping off all my hair, wearing a Tegan and Sara hoodie or tromping around in a pair of unbecoming combat boots. Then I'd get the nod. At least I'd like to think I would.
Problem is, that's not my style. I like to think of the high femme aesthetic as something comparably gay-looking. Just as women on the butcher end of the spectrum tend to dress and conduct themselves parodically (i.e. like the manliest man you've ever known), femmes do the same, but they're lampooning femininity. In the same dazzling vein as fiercely campy drag queens, femmes wear those corsets and those fake eyelashes and those collagen lip injections with a wink and a smile. I would kill to look as good as Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar.
Last night at my bar, I started talking to the barback, a butch girl with a physique reminiscent of a body-builder. I noticed that another outrageously jacked dyke had sauntered into the bar, and I asked the barback the following question: "Do you give other dykes with large muscles a special nod?"
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"I mean, you know the dyke nod? Like when you're walking down the street and you see someone and then you guys nod at each other because you're both dykes?"
"Yeah...?"
"Well, I was just wondering if you had a special nod for girls who look like they spend as much time in the gym lifting weights as you do."
"No. I mean, I'll sometimes nod, yeah, and I'm usually thinking, 'I could kick their ass' or something when I see them, but that's it. Nothing special."
Hmmm. I started thinking about what it would be like if those who belonged to different subcultures had specific ways of acknowledging each other in the street. Like if femme girls flipped their hair at each other while nodding. If futch girls smudged their guyliner and adjusted their skinny ties while nodding. If stone butches grabbed their flaccid faux-cocks while nodding. Lesbo junkies would mime shooting up while nodding, and vegan performance artists would just piss on their canvas shoes while pulling a crucifix out of their butt while nodding. Or something. You get the picture.
As a self-identified high-femme who's lazy as hell and thus ends up looking like a softball dyke by default more often than not, I'm not quite sure what kind of nod I'd hope to get. I'm the type of girl who buys herself a pair of baggy gold leggings to cheer herself up, who avoids the color pink or anything coyly feminine like the plague, who'll wear overall shorts on a first date cause I think they're comfortable (forgetting in turn that they're also unflattering, suburban and better suited to a husky male toddler).
All this pining for the almighty dyke nod leaves me weary and lethargic, but I'll continue to practice my dyke nod in the mirror and hope that one day, someone sees me on the street, acknowledges that I, too, revel in the joys of having an ass-naked female in my bed, that I, too, refer to my pet as my child, that I, too, can enjoy the occasional hummus-oriented meal, and that I, too, suffer the hardships that sexual minorities suffer, and nods their damn head.
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71 Comments
You know...
I've never had a dyke nod either. I've tried in vain to give the dyke nod. I often wondered if it is because I'm too feminine or perhaps I'm too big of a bitch (lol). Whatever reason, I have given up on receiving the dyke nod for now.
Here's a *nod* to you.
The nod and the saying
i accidentally conquered the perfect nod and smile .. its a half smile eyebrows are kind of squinted like you are barely angry but the smile makes it seem not angry its weird.. my father is a "friends" fanatic and it all happened on accident ... for some reason i get the "how you doin' " to work as a pick up line .. well when i was single i did ... its funny .. sorry for the rant ...
*Nods damn head*
I have a question though: what's a Futch?
I assume that it's a femme butch? But if so, WTH is that?
BTW, I also quite enjoyed this line:
"vegan performance artists would just piss on their canvas shoes while pulling a crucifix out of their butt while nodding."
*imagines said vegan performance artists and giggles*
Futch
Not quite femme and not quite butch. Somewhere in the middle would be my definition.
Yeah - it's a tricky one ...
Where I live (New Zealand) people still acknowledge each other with a nod and an 'eyebrow lift' as they pass by.
I'm femme looking so I get 'the nod' from guys but when I give 'the nod' females just think I am being nice and polite!
It is very frustrating to feel invisible! Especially when I can spot (and sense) a female with lesbian tendencies from a mile away!
I'm quite envious of those naturally boyish lesbians who can walk past each other, instantly 'know' and exchange a 'hey'.
hee
I guess I must be futch - I wear makeup, and my hair isn't that short, but I like my button-down shirts and boyfit jeans. And today I got my very first nod!!! :D Also, I got hit on by a really hot chick. :D
Forgive my excitement and naivete, I'm only little and I'm new to all this. :)
nod
Futch. I like that. Lol. Perfectly describes me too.
hee
I guess I must be futch - I wear makeup, and my hair isn't that short, but I like my button-down shirts and boyfit jeans. And today I got my very first nod!!! :D Also, I got hit on by a really hot chick. :D
Forgive my excitement and naivete, I'm only little and I'm new to all this. :)
...
I don't actually have radar.. But I'm smiling at everyone.. I love to smile...
Nod
Nod
dont know why i do this?
i get the nod then the eyes and then i turn away I am really femme, i dont know why i do this but would love a nod from you!
nice!
"vegan performance artists would just piss on their canvas shoes while pulling a crucifix out of their butt while nodding. Or something. You get the picture," has to be the funniest line I've ever read!
It can be hard...
to distinguish the dyke nod from the "I'm southern and walking by you, have a nice day, stranger" nod. You have to have fast acting gaydar.
No nod
Usually I'll just give a smile with no teeth showing and my eyes kind of get all squinty. I think they probably perceive it as me having to poop.
One time I tried to give a nod and it ended disastrously. The other person looked at me and as I started to nod they looked away, and when they looked back it looked like I was looking at the ceiling. Jaysus Crice.
Ahhhh the nod is something I
Ahhhh the nod is something I have never gotten or probably will never get! I see it being done all the time But not only do I not get it on the street I never get it in a lesbian bar either.. Truth is I think I may be to femme for my own good sometimes... Between my implants that I am usually rocking in some low cut something or other and my skirt hiked up to my weeehawww I am usually pinned as the "straight" girl supporting her friends! Don't think I have not thought about wearing a shirt saying " I'm Queer and I'm here!" I have joked many times saying I am going to dress butch one night and see if I get a different reactions and was told that I would still look femme. What's a girl to do ;/?
lol, I read this blog
lol, I read this blog yesterday and it had me wondering about the "nod". so today me and a friend walked downtown (Louisville) for lunch for a slice of pizza, needless to say no "nods" but definitely eye contact with smiles. i only been out a little over a year, so no gaydar yet and we are definitely walking downtown to get another slice tomorrow....lol
how can you not have gaydar?
how can you not have gaydar? it just comes natural. it's not about if they are gay or not. it's about if they are intrested in what you have to offer.. ha, i just simply make eye contect for a while, followed by a shy smile. although i am not shy in the least bit.. it is what works for me. i can usually tell just by the eye contact.. like if they look away fast the they are scared, but if the look back they are courious. if the return the smile, then it's a go. if the turn fast but meet your eyes again and smile.. then go get 'em sister.. haha it's not that much of a acknowledgement as it is just being playful and more of a flirt.. where my nods come in is when i see more of a butch lesbian and thats just a show of respect.. but you have to read the body language of the lipstick lesbians, which is a challenge that i love.
Sometimes people find it
Sometimes people find it hard to read body language. Also--I think how queer populated your area makes a difference. You might not read eye contact or smiles the same way if you've experienced that only with friendly straight girls--where they will smile back at you and have eye contact, but probably have no sexual interest.
I have no gaydar!I really
I have no gaydar!I really need to work on that skill.
HAHA So thats why people nod
HAHA So thats why people nod at me. Its happened a few times recently and I wondered why. My reaction is to always wink at these girls tho. I feel silly for not knowing. I am so going to use "the nod" now.
I hear ya, Katie!
I'm femme too...(femme with tomboy tendencies) and have terrible gaydar. And how does one recognize 'the nod' if given one? There should be some universal sign.
Peace, all...
TA....
I've been nodding at you for weeks here on OC - you told me you saw every one of 'em!!!!! xoxo
Nothing but love
Tex
you mean that wasn't a crick in your neck?
See what I mean?!? Big ol' nod back atcha Tex! ;)
Butch down to
Since Im butch all the way to my tighty whities I not only get the nod from the other butch girls I get it from the guys as well. Of course that would be considered the guy nod.
I was out with my mother a few weeks back and I got a couple nods from the guys and she stopped after the last one and asked me if I new these people nodding at me. I had to laugh and then I had to explain it to her. Of course she understood cause she is the one who goes off on anyone who says that I am in the wrong restroom.
I can say that I dont ever recall getting the nod from a femme though unless we happened to be in a lesbian bar at the time. Of course then it isnt about acknowledgement of the fact that we are both lesbians but an acknowledgement of something totally different.
So I wonder am I the only butch who gets the guy nod?
Katie, it doesn't ever get any better - sorry!
Know exactly what you mean - being femme myself. I want that nod too. I tell you what, I'm going to be in NYC in a couple of weeks, if we meet on the street, I'll give you a dyke nod to remember!!!! xoxo
Nothing but love
Tex
FFM
Tex,
You must have gazillions of Frequent Flyer Miles!
:)
Taem?
Yes indeed - platinum elite on many levels!!!!
Nothing but love
Tex
Very Platinum and very elite!!!!!!! HOT!!! ;)
BUBBA LOVE
LAKE
Do they have punch cards for
Do they have punch cards for the Mile High Club?
;)
Taem?
I WANT TO NOD!!
THE PROBLEM IS:
I have NO fucking gaydar,
I am very lipstick les,
and usually have a child in tow!!
no-one's nodding my way unless I'm in a lesbian club (I don't usually take the kids along on those field trips!!)
When I make eye contact or nod people just think I'm being friendly!!! which doesn't help me decifer the "is she" or "isn't she" problem.
I think I'll have to add the Hair Flip.......
fingers crossed!!
Thanks Katie, I can really relate to this dilema!!!
Find the silver lining...
~HUGS~
Pin up
Girlie, you need to go to a women's book store and pick out a couple of those sweet pins that say, "Hey, I'm a les!" to people who know what it's about, and leave the clueless in their natural state. I wear them to school so any Little Things that are starting to clue in know they have an a friendly face in the building. They, and other more obvious relics, also make excellent curtain decorations.
As for gaydar, unlike the more recognizable folk, if YOu get it wrong, they are just going to think you're welcoming them to the neighborhood. You've got the perfect cover story!
:)
Taem?
LMAO.....
well that's one way to get me out of the closet in a hurry!!!
Find the silver lining...
~HUGS~
Body language has worked a
Body language has worked a lot for me. You know, slightly modifying the way you walk, the way you grab your bottle of beer & stuff catches the girl's attention.
I love the nod! It seems
I love the nod! It seems likea really butchy gesture to me, but maybe that's just generalizing. It's like a "hey how you doin" kind of thing. Sometimes I will see someone looking at me trying to decipher my sexuality, and if that makes me smile I often get the nod in return. How you doin ladies!
With the accent!
OK, now I'm gonna hear it with the accent every time it happens.
lol
Taem?
Yes, to me the nod is Joey
Yes, to me the nod is Joey from Friends.
thanks! I could hear it,
thanks! I could hear it, voice and all, even had an image of a meatball sub, but couldn't figure out who it was.
:)
Taem?
no nods here......
but the stare seems to do very nicely. and as far as i know that is what gay boys do. when you look someone straight in the eye and give that "i know we are on the same team" smile. then maybe after that comes the nod as to say "yeah we are". LOL! at least that is the case in Mississippi and Alabama. i've lived in both. ;)
Nod
What about the wink?
I only get the nod from this
I only get the nod from this chic that works at the gay coffee shop.
Maybe no one expects femmes to give anyone the nod because we'll mess up our hair?
namaste
Wow! THAT MUST BE ONE
Wow! THAT MUST BE ONE VIGOROUS NOD!
:)
Taem?
ha
love how you mentioned To Wong Foo in this article, among other things! i never really thought about lesbians having a special nod. i just thought "the look" was what everyone recognized..
Katie, didn't you get the memo?!? (...only kidding!)
"Like if femme girls flipped their hair at each other while nodding."
Now we demurely tuck out hair behind our ears while nodding...see page 3 of said memo...
:)
the south...
I live in the South too and I've engaged in more of a "dyke gaze," not so much a nod...
...you look at each other long enough & then it finally sinks in-you're both lesbians! omg!
:)
Doesn't work in the south?!
Doesn't work in the south?! are you crazy?? haha i'm about as far south as you can get.. and it works just fine for me babe.
Non-existent?
Doesn't work so well down in the south!
I've wondered if it can be done at all!
The standard....
I always nod....I think its a east coast thing tho... in fact-Im nodding right NOW!
.:Nods:.
LMAO......
Here where I hang, in West Hollywood/Beverly Hills, you would think that the "dyke nods" would be on rampant display. If they are, I haven't seen them. Once in a while I'll see it, and I think that it's fabulous. However, it seems as if some butch girls are too shy to look us femmes in the eyes. Well, I actually think that is adorable! But, when I see butch girls doing it to each other, I wanna scream " Hey, what about me? I'm a lezzie, I want a nod !!" LOL
Not to long ago, my girlfriend and I ( also a femme ) were coming out of a restaurant in Beverly Hills, and right there in a glorious stream of sunshine was one of the most beautiful butch girls I'd ever seen. 501's hugging her muscular ass, a crisp white beater showing off her incredible tanned arms.... I had to give her a look in her piercing crystal blue eyes. *sigh* She looked , I looked ... I thru my hair back,gave her "the nod", we locked eyes and....... she walked into a street sign, fell on her lovely muscular ass. My girlfriend started laughing so loud, and I felt so terrible.... well, I will never do THAT again !!
"Nod" with caution !! Someone could get injured. LOL
Peace :)
EXACTLY!
Yes, LBDL While I am not butch, but not a lipstick, I am totally shy around women! So don't think we're not lookin, we shy ones just are a little more discreet. Although I always nod and acknowledge my lovely lesbian couples! ;)
But, do use caution with the "Nod."
LMAO...