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How Do You Know a Dyke Is a Dyke?
July 15, 2008 - 8:47am — Staceyann Chin
When I first came out as a young, fierce dyke, I did fierce dyke things. I wore fierce dyke clothing and wrote fierce dyke poems and said fierce dyke things like, "If men were smarter beings, they would let women rule the world."
I listened to young, fierce dyke music — Ani DiFranco, Tracy Chapman, Indigo Girls and a host of other women who were writing music that featured the guitar and referenced soft loving and hard times. I didn’t even know I was a disciple of the vaginal order when I was steeped in Melissa Etheridge’s Yes I Am. But it clued in other dykes that I was open and ready to play when I swayed and called out to some genderless being, begging for it to come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon — if that is not a dyke scenario, I’m not sure what is. Tori Amos and her bleeding songs about Jesus being a girl, or Sarah McLachlan and her softly cloaked references to untraditional love had me wet in the panties; and I did not know why. Many of us did not know why, but we congregated and met and fell into each other and were surprised when we all came out to each other.
I say all that to say that, in the early '90s, it wasn’t so easy to find women who were open about their desire to date women — and certainly even harder in Kingston, Jamaica. But in the frenzy of the unknown journey, there were clues — faint, but clues nonetheless — that told you that you were among like-minded bodies. A silver thumb ring, a very short haircut, a propensity for comfortable, unfashionable shoes — these were things that signaled that cunnilingus was commonplace in this sexual zip code.
Photo by Craig T. Kojima, Star Bulletin.
As I have grown older, I have remained a dyke, but my fierceness is less about what happens to my body on the outside. (In fact, it’s more about what I let someone do to the inside of me, or what I actually do to them all over… but I have to focus… it must be this bloody heat!) Anyway, I still listen to Tori and Sarah and Ani and Tracy, but my perfectly positioned silver thumb rings signify nothing in this era of fashion and free spirits. Dykes have taken to dressing like they are on set at The L Word. In New York City, comfortable shoes are the order of the day and a short haircut is the style sported by Rihanna and a sea of older women with good sense. In short, the fierce dykeness of my youth has become nothing more than fashion.
So, my question to the young, fierce dykes of today is, how the devil do you all know each other in covert spaces? And is there need for covert in these times of open doors and free love and sexuality being fluid — even for straight girls? Since the silver and the hair and the music are not the fashion markers of lesbos of the 21st century, are there other ones that I am too old to be privy to? Do girls with locks, or twists, or in-line skates or purple pumps mean anything? If I weren’t so closed-minded and wanted to approach one of you under 30s, what would I look for? How would I save myself the embarrassment of asking some New Age Christian girl who is just fashionable if she wants to be fisted?
In these hot hours before the evening, when my personal funk is at its height, when I am least likely to go running, when I am dousing my t-shirt with ice-cold water and watching my nipples harden, questions like these come to me. Call it curiosity, call it old age, call it idle, call it I-really-need-to-find-something-interesting-to-write-a-fucking-blog-about, but I really have to know. Is the era of the fierce dykeness over? Have we been mainstreamed by The L Word? Are we not acting like we are no longer oppressed?
Anyway, I have to go get some ice to put in this water that is now as warm as the crevice between my breasts. Hopefully there will be a blog of greater significance and fierce dykeness next week.
I listened to young, fierce dyke music — Ani DiFranco, Tracy Chapman, Indigo Girls and a host of other women who were writing music that featured the guitar and referenced soft loving and hard times. I didn’t even know I was a disciple of the vaginal order when I was steeped in Melissa Etheridge’s Yes I Am. But it clued in other dykes that I was open and ready to play when I swayed and called out to some genderless being, begging for it to come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon — if that is not a dyke scenario, I’m not sure what is. Tori Amos and her bleeding songs about Jesus being a girl, or Sarah McLachlan and her softly cloaked references to untraditional love had me wet in the panties; and I did not know why. Many of us did not know why, but we congregated and met and fell into each other and were surprised when we all came out to each other.
I say all that to say that, in the early '90s, it wasn’t so easy to find women who were open about their desire to date women — and certainly even harder in Kingston, Jamaica. But in the frenzy of the unknown journey, there were clues — faint, but clues nonetheless — that told you that you were among like-minded bodies. A silver thumb ring, a very short haircut, a propensity for comfortable, unfashionable shoes — these were things that signaled that cunnilingus was commonplace in this sexual zip code.
Photo by Craig T. Kojima, Star Bulletin.
As I have grown older, I have remained a dyke, but my fierceness is less about what happens to my body on the outside. (In fact, it’s more about what I let someone do to the inside of me, or what I actually do to them all over… but I have to focus… it must be this bloody heat!) Anyway, I still listen to Tori and Sarah and Ani and Tracy, but my perfectly positioned silver thumb rings signify nothing in this era of fashion and free spirits. Dykes have taken to dressing like they are on set at The L Word. In New York City, comfortable shoes are the order of the day and a short haircut is the style sported by Rihanna and a sea of older women with good sense. In short, the fierce dykeness of my youth has become nothing more than fashion.
So, my question to the young, fierce dykes of today is, how the devil do you all know each other in covert spaces? And is there need for covert in these times of open doors and free love and sexuality being fluid — even for straight girls? Since the silver and the hair and the music are not the fashion markers of lesbos of the 21st century, are there other ones that I am too old to be privy to? Do girls with locks, or twists, or in-line skates or purple pumps mean anything? If I weren’t so closed-minded and wanted to approach one of you under 30s, what would I look for? How would I save myself the embarrassment of asking some New Age Christian girl who is just fashionable if she wants to be fisted?
In these hot hours before the evening, when my personal funk is at its height, when I am least likely to go running, when I am dousing my t-shirt with ice-cold water and watching my nipples harden, questions like these come to me. Call it curiosity, call it old age, call it idle, call it I-really-need-to-find-something-interesting-to-write-a-fucking-blog-about, but I really have to know. Is the era of the fierce dykeness over? Have we been mainstreamed by The L Word? Are we not acting like we are no longer oppressed?
Anyway, I have to go get some ice to put in this water that is now as warm as the crevice between my breasts. Hopefully there will be a blog of greater significance and fierce dykeness next week.
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99 Comments
GemmaF, good post!
Right on. :) Peace, Jodie
A Haiku for the god loving 30 + or -
New Age Christian girls
just might like to be fisted
you merely must ask.
HA!
HA!
gaydar
I have one word for you "gaydar", you must really listen to your gut and sharpen your guessing skills.
I'm a femme and the way someone knows I'm gay is by how I look at them. Sounds silly but it's not. It isn't about my outer self at all. That's why if your gaydar is in tune with girls you will read them AND fist them.
Good luck!
No Fucking "Gay-Dar" Here....
Maybe we need to stop "stereotyping" ourselves?? I have no "gay-dar" at all. Unless a girl is a stone butch chick wearing a fucking rainbow T-shirt, sporting a tattoo that says" I Eat Pussy" and flying a flag..... I just don't have a clue.
Thumb rings? When I'm checking out a chick, the last thing I'm looking at is her thumb. Who invented that ??... Homo music?? Who makes up these stupid "rules" and why do we feel the need to fit into the "lesbian box".....fuck that, I'm my own girl.... and if you wanna know if I dig on chicks ?? Ask me.
I'm a "femme", however........................
I wear stilettos and hiking boots, lacy bras and beaters, thongs and boxers, tight short skirts and 501's, halter tops and flannel shirts , thong bikini's and board shorts, I love Victoria's Secret and Home Depot .......... so where in the fuck do I fit in. The bottom line..........ASK ME. Let's not assume anything, about anyone.
Hey LongBeach....
Your stilettos...
they don't happen to be "steel-toed" do they???
LOL
All right LBDL...
You're starting to fuggin turn me on now. ;) Peace, Jodie
not looking at hands?
Gotta look at the hands--incredibly sexy! I'm not trying to fit into any box...well, whatever...and my gaydar is haphazard at best, but a well-muscled forearm and strong hands, well, that's not only a good clue, but gets my mind wandering...
Hummm.....
Hey Susan...... I so agree. However, there are a couple of things I'm way more interested in looking at when my "non-existent gay-dar" is trying to rear it's lesbionic head !! Hands?? Possibly #4 on my list...but, I do know what you mean.......... I love beautiful, soft hands........ without a wedding ring.
I'm basically a pig. ;}
*OINK*
*SNORT*
hey, don't make assumptions about rings on THAT finger! I wear a ring on THAT one sometimes and it kind of bugs me to know that some clueless souls will assume I'm hetero and enslaved..but then again, I also know how easily I can let them know otherwise!
Eyes, eyes, look into the eyes...
since gay has become mainstream
there is no need to bluntly or subtly signalize your orientation to likeminded these days. As its become fashionable for anybody to play with genders, roles and accessoires, theres no guarantee either that the cute shorthaired butch with the silver ring on her thumb is actually gay, you know? as well as the blonde, feminine goddess you are flirting with might be into you rather than into the males in the room. its a game and finding out the rules is part of the fun.
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde
I have no gaydar whatsoever
I have no gaydar whatsoever and I mustn't give off any "gay" vibes either because no one ever guesses that I'm into the girlies!
I am one of those digital age girls that TET described though, with myspace pages covered in Tegan and Sara, the L word, "isupport" banners and an unlabelled orientation section haha.
it ain't over..
fierce dykeness ain't over yet..for as long as there still are dykes out there who wants to show the world who they are..
how to know that woman is a lesbian or is willig to experience lesbian love? it's the body language.. hmm, give her the look.. i'm not sure.. but when you look at a woman intensely enough, you'll notice a certain reaction..a reaction common among women who welcome lesbian love.. =)
-khuriel-
Was this written by Carrie
Was this written by Carrie Bradshaw?
I don't have any gaydar (unless it's really obvious) and gay/bi women never look at me because I'm apparantly straight. It's really depressing!
dawn of dykeness...
i don't think the era of fierce "dykeness" is over--another one is just beginning.
in the new era, one's energy defines their fierceness alone. it's not about the surface clues, or outward appearances, but more about the underlying attitude, imo.
i know that every woman i meet is "fair game." i don't care what she looks like, or if/how she defines herself, as long as she strikes me.
and i know that more often than not, *if* she strikes me--then that flip, reciprocating energy is working its magic on the other end as well.
i'm in tune with it. and i proceed without caution/fear, and let the energy create the interaction. to question/wonder only opens up room for doubt. it's about doing, not asking--staying in the flow.
the trick is, having no expectations. then you're just down for whatever, and there's no disappointment if things fizzle in the end.
i definitely think "l word" has contributed to the "mainstreaming" of girl/girl sexuality. and it's a beautiful thing, imo. i prefer a broader range of women to interact with, the same range the guys enjoy.
our time is here, and it's coming.
Hell if I know...!
Actually, if I'm interested in her, chances are 99% she's straight. Even in a packed lesbian bar, I'll end up talking to the only straight girl. I cant even tell if the "butches" are gay half the time, but I can usually tell a gay man and a very straight girl. You'd think that would help the process of elimination, but alas...I tend to have to wait for the femmes to approach me. ::crosses fingers::
I don't think I fit most of the stereotypes. I've never worn a thumb/silver ring and I grew my hair long to stop looking like a little boy long before I realized I was gay, only to find out I like it long. I don't listen to almost any of the "dyke music," or sport any rainbow gear. I don't think we need to conform our personal styles, but I would be in favor of some universally accepted, yet innocuous, handshake/sign or otherwise.
Thank you...
For making me realize how GAY I actually am.
"I listened to young, fierce dyke music — Ani DiFranco, Tracy Chapman, Indigo Girls and a host of other women who were writing music that featured the guitar and referenced soft loving and hard times...A silver thumb ring, a very short haircut..."
Wow. Me and my girl both wear silver thumb rings... And we love acoustic girl-music. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
u dont even know
Well if u girls have a difficult time with ur gaydars and what not... try being in the Army, where everyone dresses the same and all the females are bitches! U can't just ask "are u gay?" The best way to find a fellow dyke is to go to gay clubs lol u can't go wrong there. I so dont dress like the L word ladies... im more of a soft butch if u know what I mean. I dress comfortably. If u really dont have a clue... fuck it just ask!
Not ALL the females are bitches
Don't forget the old standby of basketball, softball & rugby tourneys. When I was still in, you could usually count on sports, the clubs, & the "family network" to tell if the girl was gay. As far as the bitches, you can see them from a mile away-just avoid them like the plague.
good gaydar. just no spine.
lots of eye contact. a shy smile. touching your hand while giving you back your change. going out of her way to ask if your mocha was gross because of a new espresso machine they were breaking in.
in short, i have a huge crush on a barista and don't know how or even if i should ask her out. i'm pathetic.
Insert Shameless Self-Promotion Here
do it!
and even if it fails, well, plenty more hot little barista's around... plus ya might be able to find better coffee too (always a plus)
It is the digital age
so if you can't tell in person, you can most definitely figure it out from their myspace even if they don't state their sexual preference. not stating it is actually a clue though saying not sure is a better helper. music and television are really key, obviously if tegan and sara and the L word are their top or only choices then you can pretty much guarantee they're gay, but even good old ani is usually a big help because most straight girls this day and age you can bet have never even heard of ani difranco. but for not quite so obvious things, if they really like Bravo shows or Americas Next Top Model sometimes those are signs too. there are plenty of subtle tips that we still have today, but it is true that its sometimes hard to differentiate between a young dyke and a hip streezie, but we still have our ways.
Without a doubt
It is all about the Facebook or Myspace. Without a doubt.
And, yea, it is very frustrating for the younger crowd to find other dykes. It is especially frustrating for girls like me who don't even register on some gaydars of the girls I know are gay.
But I think it's more about not being a sterotype, of fearing the stereotype for some.
For me it's about being who I am, a femme lesbian, and not wanting to be controlled or lured in by the typical dyke dress and attitude just for the sake of fitting in or being noticed.
I find the women who stray from the stereotype to be sexier, in a way, because now, in the young gay community, it's another way to be daringly individual.
MYSPACE=GAYDAR
Myspace as gaydar lol....DAMN, that cant be good...u're unfortunately correct. If i want to know if a girl is gay or not, myspace really IS the first place i look.
not much into those "fierce" dykes types (sorry writter), but to me they represent the "stereotype" of lesbianism i've always hated........ i guess i really AM generation I DONT CARE! lol
.................besides i like that i cant tell, its frustrating, but i like it!
Coming from an
Coming from an extraordinarily small town on the east coast of Canada, I can tell you that it is very difficult to tell the difference between gay and straight. It's true that the straightest looking girls often turn out to be gay and the gayest turn out to be straight; however, after a while it gets frustrating. There are very few women where I'm from who dress according to either of the two lesbian extremes: butch and L Word fabulous. I personally think my life would be a lot easier if we went back to the good old days when a thumb ring and a haircut meant something.
The Smile, The Up-down, and the Nails
The key to the dyke kingdom? Good Gaydar? I've been battling my way through that scavenger hunt for years! Don't I wish it were easier! After years of trial and error whether butch, femme, androgynous, tom boi,or completely indiscriminate.... all I've compiled (unfortunately) is the smile, the up-down, and the nails.
If she gives you that half smile that teases "I might be interested", the elevator glance that peruses you Up- down - & then up again..... and of course, has fingernails trimmed to a "reasonable" length... she's either in the club or contemplating a free trial membership.
"Insanity in individuals is something rare -- but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule." Friedrich Nietzsche
hmm
I must say I have rubbish gaydar. It's so hard to tell because girls these days can be the femmest of girls and be gay/bi and the butchest girls can be straight. It's all very confusing. But it's great that it's like that. No longer having so much pressure need to fit the 'gay' stereotype.
I personally still feel pressure to look 'gay' though...although I have never decided to succumb to it. When I go to gay bars I have often got comments from girls saying that I could not be gay coz Im too girly...seriously, it's the 21st century. What does appearance have to do with how you are inside? people must know that by now!
Ok rant over.
I guess what we have to go on is conversation and feeling. You just get a vibe and that can give you a hint.
That failing, just ask...you got nothing to lose if you like her that much!
L Worders
ok I completely agree with u about dykes dressing like they are on the set of the l word..Looking around at a UH HUH HER concert EVERY second girl in the crowd thought she was Shane, some I must admit looked hot . But it was funny/a little odd to see such similarities in a close proximity, it was like every time you turned you're head you saw a new version of the same thing( if that makes sense)
hmm...
i have bad gaydar...maybe cause im bi...but i usually wait for girls to approach me. i kno that most dykes i hang w/ dress like teyana taylor or samantha ronson. those skinny jeans, chucks, medium sized shirts with a band name scrawled across the front type of dress. and i've realized the lesbian hairstyle of choice is no longer a buzzcut but a flat ironed emo mullet. lol.
At my job it's not possbile
At my job it's not possbile to be "out" officially but ironically, it seems most of the women here are either gay or bi! So much so that EVERYONE is suspect. Short hair and boyish clothes means nothing when the most so-so straight-looking girl is licking her lips at you. As someone who can be super femme one day and boi-ish the next, I'm glad we no longer feel as pressured to look like a certain way.
Deja vu
"How would I save myself the embarrassment of asking some New Age Christian girl who is just fashionable if she wants to be fisted?"
What's sad about this is that I've actually done that... Only I just gave her my number.
Really though I have no idea. Especially in the "scene/emo" culture.
Whatever happened to Arlan's purple yarn idea?
http://www.gaygirlsguide.co.uk/ids.html
there is a code....
there is a code... secret but true: indigo girls and Ani have been replaced with Tegan and Sara or The Clicks
Girls with short hair, thick rimmed eye glasses and kafka scarves in skinny jeans and converse (gay)
though i dont belong in my own definition of young dyke...
then there are the girls who just have that air, that confidence in stride and in speech. Long hair or short hair the words always seem to be the indicator...
reminds me of an old(ish) song
not sure if they are still performing together, but there was a band in columbus ohio called chaotic good. i can't remember the title they gave to the song
to the tune of 'cowboy's lament'.....
***********
i see by your haircut that you are a lesbian
i can see by your haircut that you're lesbian too
we see by our haircuts that we are all lesbians
if you get a haircut you can be a lesbian too.
***********
Rainbows
Most of the time, these days, you can tell just by a girl's attitude. The rainbow.
By her limitless clothing and her freedom of speech.
There are many ways. For me, it's a feeling.
I go to lesbian clubs, lesbian websites, Gay Day at Piedmont Park (every Sunday in Atlanta).
We know each other these days.
There's not much hiding, and even when there is, almost every lesbian knows. We have gatherings at different homes every Thursday. We talk. Communicate.
Its normal now, to just know.
I *heart* You!
Stacyann Chin, I have a huge, huge, huge writer crush on you. Whether you are at the height of your funk or not, I want to sit inside your brain and watch your thoughts on giant wrap-around imax screens. Keep on, keeping on, with your fierce dykey blogs. Clits up!
I'm over 30 so I know
your question wasn't directed at me... but I like to think everyone's a dyke until they prove otherwise.
∞ Reach out and touch somebody ∞
Teh Look
The only method I use for recognizing other gay women is the way they look at me or other women. Boring, but works ;)
Dyke Fierceness
With the world finally opening up its arms to the homo brethren, I think there is still a stigma if you happen to live in an area with a populus less than a million. I am by no means dressing like a dyke on the l word, partly because I have an intense fear of heels and the fact I am comfortable in my surfer dude attire. No one wants to see butch women representing the entire lesbian population at least none of the people I have met do. I think if the public percieves lesbians they want them to look like the women of the l word not like the real people. Guess there is always a stigma.
hmm..
I think my mom used to wear thumb rings back in the early '90s.
Anyway. I wish I could say there was a secret sign language or something.
In reality, I guess it's more about a lack of embarrassment when it comes to asking New Age Christian girls about fisting.
ya'll really don't have
ya'll really don't have gaydar? wow, yea my girl doesn't look no were near like a dike.. and i love it.. but i also knew she was intrested when she looked at me.. it's all about reading people and knowing what they want or thinking.. i guess i just pay attention a lot.. but i ca tell, when a straight girl or gay girl.. is intrested.. all the labels fly out the roof, and you gotta girl. like magic.. just got to know what to say to the right girl. as far as sign or symbol.. i don't think there is one anymore. back in the day, women were scared of the unknown and didn't know how to react to the feelings of love within the same sex. now women are more open and willing, and the sign makes no difference anymore. =] good thing.
*
in the name of kelka, i yell nipple cupcakes and if they dont shy away or they yell it back, i know that im good and can safely approach.
if they dont know kelka, then i dont bother. philistines!
Nipple cupcakes!
That is how me and my girly met at a Tegan & Sara concert! Oh yes it is. Praise Kelka!
*
Amen!
i have no idea. when you
i have no idea. when you find out, please let me know.
you'll be able to identify me by my short, foppish hair, the chunky watch band, the skinny tie and the two (2!) thumb rings. i may also look a touch confused while you approach, as part of me expects to never get the answer to this question. and i'm okay with that.
fiercely yours,
rosedale
hmm
well i think you hit a point with there being no real "dyke dress code" ... its no longer flannel shirts and man cuts. we just dress like everybody else .... mayb it has sumthing to do with being more accepted in culture ?
idk .... i dont really care whats on a girl as long as it looks good on my floor ;]
"Heard they'd do anything for a klondike, Well I'd do anything for a blonde-dike." - kayne west [[stronger]]
i think
flannel shirts are really hot on a girl. in fact, i had this HUGE crush on this girl from my school who would wear this flannel schnitzle all the time, and she had the cutest little boy hair cut! i tried to talk to her a couple of times and i found her on myspace but... she never really showed any interest? i just felt like a creep after that, i think she avoided me at all cost
Who knew?
Is that what all those a-sexual years in flannel were about?
:)
Taem?
...
Thumb rings are a gay symbol!? Unless I read that totally wrong....yikes I don't think I actually ever fully understand any of these blogs but I enjoyed trying to get where you're coming at. I like gay fashionable girls. They're sexy? Sorry I'm writing crap to make it look like I know what I'm talking about. Maybe some girls try to hide the gayness...??
Good question
"How would I save myself the embarrassment of asking some New Age Christian girl who is just fashionable if she wants to be fisted?" That was hilarious!! You seem to be right though, some of us just aren't part of the so-called dyke dress code but what can I say? I'm addicted to fashion so if somebody wants to know they might as well just ask.
*elle n'est pas belle la vie!?!*