See, I was newly out of the closet and had been anticipating my first sexual experience with a woman. I expressed my nervousness to my best friend, and the loving and thoughtful friend that she is, she sat down with her husband, went through all of their porn and compiled for me their best of lesbian sex scenes. She told me that they were doing this in anticipation of my next trip down south, no pun intended, to visit the woman that I was dating… that I also refer to as my Safety Segue Into Lesbianism — S.S.I.L.

I waited for three days for my priority package. When it arrived, I ripped it open and found a VHS tape labeled “Misc. Travel Prep” and a photocopied section from some sex book that was graphically pointing out the parts of the vagina. There where little handwritten notes on the side of the paper by my friend and her husband saying — take special note of this — be mindful of that! Wow, I thought. I have a lot of learning to do. I hope there is a learning curve on this lesbian sex thing. I’d never even seen two women kissing. Full-on sex — without this tape — where else would I learn what to do and how to do it? I waited for my mom to leave our home and then I went into the living room, where the big TV sat, for my first class on lesbian sex. See, I’m a planner. I like to plan things and know things. I didn’t want to show up down south, unprepared and looking like a novice.

I pushed play on the remote control. Within seconds, I was laughing and holding my chest. "Are you kidding me?" I thought. I squinted, watching the heaving, implanted breast of this weaved-out woman writhing on this white whicker furniture. Her spiky high heels were pointed to the sky while another woman was kissing and sucking on her implants.

I noticed my giggling and quickly checked myself saying, “Hey, you gotta get this Gloria. Check out the technique. Maybe there is something in this that you can use. Note what she’s doing with her tongue and her lips.” I pushed pause and went to get my journal. "Maybe I should take some notes! Notes would be good, something that I could refer back to later for a refresher." I sat back down with my journal and pushed play. I started giggling again.

I decided to fast forward the tape. D said that there were a couple of different scenes on here, maybe something else would make a little more sense. I pushed play at the beginning of the next scene. It played! “Oh God,” I thought. “Who are these women sliding around on the kitchen counter pouring milk and melted butter on themselves? What were they cooking in the first place? Maybe crepes. Who’s gonna clean up all of that mess?” I’m not doing that, I thought. Is THIS what lesbians do? Oh no, I don’t want all of that butter on my pubic hair.

Then I took a closer look at the women, and they didn’t have any pubic hair. Come to think of it, neither did the women in the other scene. Am I going to have to shave everything off down there? I sighed with frustration. Crepes and a bald vagina — I don’t know about this lesbian thing. I heard the keys jiggling in the door and I pushed stop and quickly picked up a magazine from the coffee table. I waited for my mom to go to her room and I ejected the tape and went into my room to sulk.

Three days later, I found myself lying in the dark next to my S.S.I.L. “I hope she doesn’t make a move,” I thought. I can’t see anything here in the dark and I need some more classes on what it is EXACTLY that I’m supposed to be doing. What goes where? Who does what? And then it happened. She kissed the back of my neck. I giggled, sighed and smiled. And then it was all hands and lips and tongues and I remember thinking, “Wow, this is not at all like the video, and I seem to be able to find everything that’s here even without the lights on, hmm.” I thought this was going to be like playing a game of chess in the dark. I couldn’t believe it. Even without any practice, even without the help of a hundred romantic movies to show me the way, without the white wicker or spilled milk, quickly and confidently it happened and all nervousness subsided… until the next time.