It’s February 16, 2009, 11:55 p.m. You’re snuggled up next to your new lover — the two of you met at an LGBTQI Valentine’s prom in the city — and you’re enjoying the last five minutes of The L Word. This is the episode where Jenny Schecter is finally going to stop the charade of wanting to fuck other women, even if they do look like her, and she’s going to take her narcissistic fantasy into her own hands and… fuck herself!

She takes the nearest full-length mirror she can find, places it on the cold, sexy, tiled floor and aggressively climbs on top of it, like a lynx (with Narcissistic Personality Disorder). The camera pans in for a close-up on Jenny’s reflection in the mirror, Jenny II if you will. Jenny II looks right into Jenny’s eyes and says, “Your writing is too good for Americans. The Europeans will love you! I love you. Jenny, get over here and give me, you, us a kiss!” Jenny Schecter leans into the mirror to tongue kiss herself and… and… and… FUZZ. It’s 12 a.m. and the government has shut off your television. You are no longer able to see Jenny Schecter get fucked by her own hands because DTV wants to fuck YOU.

By now we are well aware of the fact that the Federal Communications Commission will pull the ultimate big brother on February 17, 2009 and pull the plug on our analogue television sets. We will be left with only three choices, according to the DTV website: buy a DTV converter box, buy a new TV or buy cable/satellite TV services.

Do you see a theme? Whenever a word is used repeatedly, it’s usually to call our attention to something. In this case it’s the word BUY. So let’s focus on why the government might be selling us something right now. Ooh, ooh, Mr. Kotter, I know why! The U.S. economy is totally craptastic! That’s right. And if you take our hefty $300 economic stimulus checks, plus $900 of our hard-earned money, that gives us enough money to buy a new, average-costing television set at Circuit City!

Now look, I majored in theatre not math or economics, but I do basic math pretty well, so here goes… According to the U.S. Census Bureau for 2008, there are 105,480,101 households in America. So let’s say that they all buy just one new television set (I know, I know, my mother has a TV in every room too, but…) for $1,200 a pop. 105,480,101 (households) x $1,200 (cost for one DTV) = $126,576,121,200 (to stimulate Mr. Bush).

I know I’m being a little snarky about this whole abrupt government-mandated transition from comfort to control. But it was when I went to the FCC’s website, in an effort to understand where they were coming from, you know, really get Thich Nhat Hanh on them and go to the root of the problem, that I found this: “…digital is a more efficient transmission technology that allows broadcast stations to offer improved picture and sound quality…” And that’s when I got snarky.

See, I like my shitty TV. It’s a hand-me-down. All of my televisions have been hand-me-downs. I get two clear channels and three static ones, and I like it. And my “bunny ears” are pretty damn cute. They are crinkly and silver and look like they were made as some third grade class project. And most importantly, what will happen when I actually see what The Bachelorette REALLY looks like, then who will I have crush on? And what if I can hear all of the stilted dialogue on some of my favorite shows? Rather than pretending they have said something witty/metaphoric/poignant, I might want to rewrite their crappy lines mentally which would take me out of the story altogether. And static, what’s wrong with that? I like static in my life, so why wouldn’t I want it in the lives of those I watch on TV? And what about all of those thrift store TVs who have been waiting patiently for someone to purchase them for a mere $2.50? What government-sanctioned program is set up to deal with our analog televisions dying with dignity? Where is the Federal Hemlock Television Commission?

So, on February 16, my partner and I will be having a 24-Hour Good-Bye to Television as We Know It Party. We will sit in front of our TV, with our friends and loved ones, watching imperfect images of flawed characters and being perfectly content.