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Title Free
July 25, 2008 - 7:51am — Katie Liederman
Fucking without titles. Oh, the perils of fucking without titles. Over time, I've changed my mind around a thousand times about this issue. Sometimes, it seems that people who fuck around for an extended period of time without a commitment are just biding their time until something better comes along. Other times, it's a valid rebellion against all the responsibility that comes with the title "girlfriend." After all, we all have a little Shane in us. All I know is that fucking without a title this time around left me shunned from the New York dyke scene with all my shit out on the street.
When I'm a girlfriend, I tend to be a girlfriend squared. I mean this both literally and figuratively. In other words, monogamy renders me enveloped in an alternately utopic and suffocating wave of girlfrienddom, to which my family, friends and career take backseat, which is not hot. I am notorious amongst my friends for being guilty of the "hos before bros" charge. If you're my girlfriend, I'll devote myself to you entirely, but not in a creepy way (or so I'd like to think). Like Uma Thurman in My Super Ex-Girlfriend, but the opposite. I'll also spend an unhealthy amount of time on your couch in your t-shirts, watching your cable and eating your cereal, and thus, become square-shaped. Or maybe more round.
When I'm your girlfriend...
Either way, you get the idea. And we're all familiar with the old adage "you can't fit a square peg in a round hole." I become square and want nothing to do with your round hole, if you know what I mean.
Long-term monogamy leaves me bored and lethargic. As sad as this sounds, empirically speaking, it's been my truth. And so recently, when my on-again, off-again girlfriend demanded monogamy for the 90th time, I said no way. Not a chance in hell. "I love you, baby," I said, "but I don't want to be a girlfriend." And I meant it. I think she hoped I was just saying it, that maybe I'd change my mind. But I wasn't, and I wouldn't, so things came to a head. I went out of town for a weekend with another girl, and everything went to hell. I came back to threats, to angry texts, to several tattered garbage bags filled with my stuff laying out on the street. Cool.
My ex and all of her friends either bartend or go-go dance at roughly every dyke party around town. And suddenly I'm satan reincarnate. But I'm not here to throw myself a pity party. You can't have your cake and eat it too, I've come to realize... and by cake I mean your ex-gf's choch and others, too. I'm not trying to make myself out to be some sort of heartbreaker. I've had my heart broken, too; and I should have seen it coming. I had my heart shattered into a million little pieces by a girl who evaded titles for a solid two months. We spent every second together and called each other obsessively, but there was something about the title "girlfriend" that she found to be repellent. We went on to date for close to three years, but her initial hesitance should have foreshadowed our downfall.
I may sound jaded, but after enduring 10 years of the ups and downs that title-free romantic escapades (sporadically interjected betwixt committed relationships) spawn, I can honestly say that I don't believe that slow and steady wins the race. I think it's an initial crazy passion that evolves into something deeper, or an old-fashioned case of "she's just not that into you." Or vice versa.
When I'm a girlfriend, I tend to be a girlfriend squared. I mean this both literally and figuratively. In other words, monogamy renders me enveloped in an alternately utopic and suffocating wave of girlfrienddom, to which my family, friends and career take backseat, which is not hot. I am notorious amongst my friends for being guilty of the "hos before bros" charge. If you're my girlfriend, I'll devote myself to you entirely, but not in a creepy way (or so I'd like to think). Like Uma Thurman in My Super Ex-Girlfriend, but the opposite. I'll also spend an unhealthy amount of time on your couch in your t-shirts, watching your cable and eating your cereal, and thus, become square-shaped. Or maybe more round.
When I'm your girlfriend...
Either way, you get the idea. And we're all familiar with the old adage "you can't fit a square peg in a round hole." I become square and want nothing to do with your round hole, if you know what I mean.
Long-term monogamy leaves me bored and lethargic. As sad as this sounds, empirically speaking, it's been my truth. And so recently, when my on-again, off-again girlfriend demanded monogamy for the 90th time, I said no way. Not a chance in hell. "I love you, baby," I said, "but I don't want to be a girlfriend." And I meant it. I think she hoped I was just saying it, that maybe I'd change my mind. But I wasn't, and I wouldn't, so things came to a head. I went out of town for a weekend with another girl, and everything went to hell. I came back to threats, to angry texts, to several tattered garbage bags filled with my stuff laying out on the street. Cool.
My ex and all of her friends either bartend or go-go dance at roughly every dyke party around town. And suddenly I'm satan reincarnate. But I'm not here to throw myself a pity party. You can't have your cake and eat it too, I've come to realize... and by cake I mean your ex-gf's choch and others, too. I'm not trying to make myself out to be some sort of heartbreaker. I've had my heart broken, too; and I should have seen it coming. I had my heart shattered into a million little pieces by a girl who evaded titles for a solid two months. We spent every second together and called each other obsessively, but there was something about the title "girlfriend" that she found to be repellent. We went on to date for close to three years, but her initial hesitance should have foreshadowed our downfall.
I may sound jaded, but after enduring 10 years of the ups and downs that title-free romantic escapades (sporadically interjected betwixt committed relationships) spawn, I can honestly say that I don't believe that slow and steady wins the race. I think it's an initial crazy passion that evolves into something deeper, or an old-fashioned case of "she's just not that into you." Or vice versa.
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89 Comments
XD the supa-luvva costume!
XD the supa-luvva costume! Damn that's cute.
No, seriously. I'm in the titles camp on this one. It doesn't have to be a great title ["Her? Oh, she's my sugatits"] but all of this title-free business can make it a hell of a game figuring out whose ground you're treading on. I think women can be hella territorial regardless.
I mean, just because they don't call her their girlfriend doesn't mean they're not going to kick your ass if you try to make her your sugatits.
monogamy
monogamy doesn't exist when your my age .. i thought it did and i too am either all or nothing when it comes to "girlfriendness." i finally committed myself entirely to making one girl happy... spent endless nights wrapped up in her favorite hoodies and early mornings drinking her grandmothers coffee... my friends became nonexistent and i didn't feel the need to appear available.. and it just bit me in the ass... she left me.. now im back to the old ways of playing the whole "well.. I'm not looking for a relationship" card. i mean if i can play it enough maybe i can hold out until i find someone who truly does believe in monogamy mean while still having casual titleless sex... idk ... is that having my cake and eating it too?
i believe that if your going to call yourself a woman's girlfriend then you should be theirs and only theirs... without secrets
monogamy with a side of hot passionate sex anyone?
Bailey*~
monogamy
I think that if you really wanted to be committed to just one person- you would be. Like for me, I have ample opportunities to hook up..but am looking for something more. I have alot of lesbian friends that know they are just friends and we consciously talk (not drunkanese) about whether its gonna be something more..but to me if its not worth a relationship then why do it? I guess meaningless sex is fun, but it always gets me into trouble. Like I could just be wanting meaningless sex but its the other person that is wanting more..so..I don't leave anything to chance anymore. If I'm gonna sleep with someone than I'm gonna be with them...one at a time. Not all of them.
marathonandretti
hm..
im not saying to sleep with every ready and willing woman who comes along.. im just saying that if your not in a committed relationship and your not looking for one then where else would you get sex? idk just my theory..
yeah i deffinetly know that one person is always more attached... its why i think threesums over rated.. i mean i may have my agenda but the other woman? she could be madly in love with me n i'd be breaking her heart if i told her it was just sex.. thats if i told her it was just sex afterward.. i'd be straightforward from the start make sure the situation is out in the open with no hidden agendas..
i was commited to one person.. chelsea was my ONE and only there were no secrets on my part.. it wasn't me who cheated..
i could be in a relationship but it wouldn't be someone who i was madly in love with.. because i haven't found anyone else ..
i understand that sex is supposed to be with just one person.... with one person that your in a relationship with but im definitely NOT the type of girl to commit to just anyone.. im afraid of getting hurt again i am working on trusting people its just not a good time to go balls to the wall (EW BALLS!) in another relationship..
but i do get you entirely girl! and im always looking for more then just sex.. i just want to have fun in the mean time...
keep in touch though ;)
Bailey*~
whats a choch?
whats a choch?
vajayjay..
yo.
Am I the only one?
Am I the only one who think thats a little close to cock to be naming girlie curlie?
Taem?
hmm
good
coz
i like eating choch
I am all for title free
I am all for title free stuff :)
Two pegs maybe?
Well its nice to see that I'm not the only one who sees the word 'girlfriend' as a repellent, yet turns ridiculously mushy when committed. I can totally relate to this, thanks for writing it.
*El
Titles are good...
if you're a car. But I think with people, they're ultimately unnecessary.
If a person exists with someone, grows with her, exchanges energy and shares identity--a title is simply a surface description for what is. It doesn't affect what is. Someone *is* your girlfriend, or she's not, no matter what you call her. You're either experiencing life as a dual entity, or you're single.
Even when the double-edged sword of freedom leaves one dazzled and confused, and unable to hone in on blessings like love ... one can't escape what is.
The soul will always seek fulfillment in another soul--no matter how hard the ego, with its mirrored illusions, attempts to trick one into loving only the self.
This eco-friendly hybrid
This eco-friendly hybrid might just consider turning that title over to the buyer.
;)Taem?
soul says...
good choice.
ego says, remember ... that title is always transferable. ;)
LOL!!
Taem?
Wow...
I think, that heart break of yours left you a copy right.
Seems like you can't love because your non tittled fuck buddy left you idolizing to never be in a vulnerable state ever again. If you get what I'm saying, you're like her so you don't have to miss her. Or feel like she made you feel when it didn't work out.
Or maybe...your just very independent, and relationships make you feel like you have to be in love when you're not. So don't fuck every needy stranger. Try and meet someone worth it.
Great blog
Katie, is that you by the fridge? If so you look a lot leaner than pics I used to see of you on here. How you gettin' so lean eating all that damn cereal/starch?? :) Peace, Jodie
vicious cycle
Going in and out of relationships is normal. You play around have some good no titles sex with some people, then you meet someone nice, you date for a while, you move in together, you break up, and it starts all over again, it's a vicious cycle.
Cames!
Good job Cames!
I'm just sayin'.....
AHEM
the only title we need to be is HAPPY.
Only soy???
What?!? No rice milk, if you go faux...go all the way. :)
Also, fricken hilarious pic!!!
LOL... "I'll spend an
LOL... "I'll spend an unhealthy amount of time on your couch in your t- shirts, watching your cable and eating your cereal, and thus become square shape or maybe round" Katie good blog as always. You never fail to make me laugh. Keep up the good work.
Minniesota54 thats was funny.
"It's what we "invest" that matters.....
I definately believe in honesty and commitment. The "title"..... I'm not sure that how we identify our relationship is as important as what we "invest" in it. If we're emotionally "invested", there are no words that are necessary to explain what we have together.
Loving her,being in love,fucking her,making love with her, opening your heart and soul, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, committing to only her, feeling secure in your love, building trust and sharing a future ........ does it really need a title? I think that all "mature" adults know what the title would be, but does it need to be said ? Is it said to denote ownership ? I may "own" my lovers heart but never her soul...... if my girl feels free to be herself, then I know she'll choose to be with me. I feel very confident in that.
Peace.
you and your
animated gifs... haha!
i still like titles gif or no gif.
Hey...............
I totally understand Carlin. Over the years I've,personally, learned that "titles" just don't mean nearly as much as how substantive a relationship is. And, at least with me, when the lines of communication are open, relationships build and evolve into what they are intended to be..... regardless of what we may want to call them. Maybe labels present a comfort level for some, a sense of direction ... I can see that. But, it really doesn't matter to me what my relationship is identified as, as long as my girl and I know what it means to us.
And hey, it's not that I don't "like" titles. IF I was married, I would proudly call my girl... my "wife". I believe that it's the titles that are misunderstood up to THAT point, that sometimes confuse and contradict what a relationship may or may not be.
;)
wife = chattle
Wife just has too much nasty history to live with. I do think if I were in any kind of serious relationship, I would want to announce it to the world. Hey, she's my Girl. Aren't I the most favored leaf on all the Great Mother's trees? And I would hope that she would want to show me off to all her friends, and keep close so everyone could see. I would relish that fond possessiveness knowing that there was also a tacit respect for individuality. I just couldn't get into the W word; too arcane, to fraught with man dominance.
Taem?
Hi Taem......
I suppose that I am looking at the "title" wife, in terms of my experience. My Mother and Father had an extraordinary relationship. Their love and respect for each other, was a model that I could only hope to replicate in my lifetime. Their, "husband" and "wife" titles, were used with dignity and a great sense of social awareness. My Mother was a civil rights activist and my Father a feminist. They felt that their connection, as man and woman, was one brought together for the purpose of love, devotion and mutual respect . They were equals in every sense of the term. We were taught, as children, that respect was not an option.... it was a way of life.
If I was to judge the value of my relationship solely by the terms defined by society, I would not want to call my girl.... my "lover". Or, for that matter... "my girl". Of course the term "girl" , as used to describe an adult female, has it's roots in the subjugation of women throughout our history. I hope that my use of the term "girl" is understood as a term of endearment, as intended. I have never meant to demean or devalue any woman, at any time.
So, when I use the term "wife","girl", and "lover" it's with an open heart.. and a mind that is keenly aware of the historical significance , and struggles , that women have been forced to endure.
And Taem,I do see your point, and believe that we all have to do as our conscious guides us.
So much in life is connotation.
We all hear language the ear of our own experiences. I'm immensely glad to know that your family has given you such a positive outlook on these particular nouns *no sarcasm what so ever*. For me, the term has no such personal context, so I have viewed it from an historical perspective. I find girl full of the hopefulness of youth, devoid of the jaded edge that so often limits our adult interactions. The important thing is to find terms you both/all find comforting and comfortable.
:)Taem?
I adore your definition of "girl"...
And, let me add this......... you are an awesome woman.
Peace & Love ;)
Aw...
:)Taem?
hey
did you study law? you sound like a lawyer... hahah! j/k
ps. u rock.
No BAR, just BS
;)
Taem?
LongBeach
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL ATTITUDE!!!
no titles = freedom....what
no titles = freedom....what more can a girl ask for..;)
I really have...
nothing to contribute to this post. Although that is an excellent picture. I used to work at a cookware store (for four years) and the first thing my eyes went to were the pans in the background. Isn't that bad?? Woe is me.
Good post though, you always make me laugh. Except for the post about when you were little and playing dodgeball.
Sail on!
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.”
—William G.T. Shedd
I love the red underwear, mc hotstuff!
I think it depends on who
I think it depends on who you are within the relationship, because more often than not one person believes in no-attachments and no titles but the other is in it for the long-haul. I am in both situations at the moment haha, theres a woman who I really really want titles with (Re: my blog - http://www.ourchart.com/blogs/dont-go-there-advice-welcome ) But it seems a bit impossible. And theres a girl who I definately do not see as my girlfriend but who wants commitment from me. Oh the drama! =P
BTW, I have Soy milk and Light 'n Tasty if anyones interested! Haha.
Titled...and owned...
I'm with her, hun.
I love hard.
I'm her's. Period.
Her love is a joy and responsibility. I take it seriously.
When it comes to other women...,
I may looky... but me no touchy-ever.
amen to that
I hate titles... and a lot of times I dislike relationships. It's not that I feel any less strong about the person after about 4 months, but 4 months seems to be that cut off point where my ADD kicks in hardcore and I just feel the need to be free and run around and not be anyone's girlfriend. Stupid attention span.. gets me in more trouble than anything else in life.
Your astrolgical sign
Shane with Alice rising
:)Taem?
I can't do the no titles
I can't do the no titles thing. I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve, lay my cards on the table kinda girl. I think I also just can't be bothered to get involved with anyone unless I really, *really* like them. So...
Yeah. Color me girlfriendly.
Comic-Con
Did you go to Comic-Con this past weekend?
Nothing but love
Tex
i'll be yer huckleberry
and you can watch tv in my tee shirts eating spicy popcorn while i read comics with your underpants on my head....anytime....
The Super Lover undies? On
The Super Lover undies?
On your head?
I think that may be sacrilege!
;)Taem?
Ahem. That would be my
Ahem. That would be my underwear CaramelTeddy occasionally sports on her noggin, not Liederman's.
Self deprecating?
Are you saying that you don't deserve the Super Lover tag as much as she does? To quote a fine Kat, "Girl, we need to work on your self esteem!"
lol
Taem?
Mine?
Ha! No, I just couldn't help but notice that the lovely lady Liederman is wearing "Supah Lovah" red, boy cut undies a la Sharmen in her fridge pic up above. Thought you might be referring to those particular particulars in your comment to CT.
I am out and proud about my Supah Lovah status. No need to Dr. Phil me. Honest to gosh! <33
Mmm. Spicy popcorn. Mmm.
Mmm. Spicy popcorn.
Mmm. Spicy you.
spicy chocolate
chocolate bacon
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
A week late, but heart felt - happy birthday! Hope you're still moaning from Julia's chocolate and ........!
Nothing but love
Tex
Lord have mercy, you two!!!!
....and where do you get the spicy chocolate and chocolate bacon!?!?
Nothing but love
Tex