They sucked face! They sucked down drinks like Prohibition was about to make a comeback. They even sucked pureed weenie! In a nut shell, this week’s episode of a A Shot at Love 2 sucked! Spectacularly!

To start, Tila invites the six remaining M&Ms on a mystery date, challenging them to “prove” their love for her. When they pull up to the Broken Art tattoo parlor, a chorus of groans goes up. Up for grabs are invites to three dates with Tila: “sexy,” “romantic,” and “dirty.” Those wishing to prove themselves worthy have the option of getting a tattoo, getting pierced, sitting in an electro-shock chair or walking on broken glass. (!!!)

Brittany leaps out of her seat to volunteer for a tattoo first, but changes her mind and wusses out faced with her admittedly horrifying inking options: Tila’s name in a heart or a heart in a shot glass. Smarty-pants Kristy proposes a compromise and gets a star on the back of her neck to match one of Tila’s tattoos, much to Tila’s delight. George mans up and walks barefoot over broken glass, wincing with every awful step. Afterward, he makes a show of grimacing and bandaging up a “cut” that doesn’t actually bleed, until Tila offers to walk over the glass in solidarity with him. She flits across the shards, grinning all hammy-like. “You know why it was so easy for me?” she asks. “Because it’s fake!” Everyone laughs. George splutters in confused indignation. Awkward!

Next! Bo volunteers for ink, going for the shot glass. Jay shows him up and gets the same thing, minus the pode-tastic heart inside the glass. Bo sulks. Commitment-phobic Lisa opts for the electric chair, shrieking in titillated surprise at the strength of the current. Whiner extraordinaire Brittany redeems herself by confronting her terror of needles and getting a belly button piercing. And that’s a wrap! Kristy wins the sexy date. Bo and Jay win the romantic one. The rest will go on the “dirty” date. Brittany and George whine bitterly.

On their “sexy” date, Tila takes Kristy to a lingerie boutique for a private shopping strip—er, trip. Later, as they share some champagne and a scantily clad cuddle, openly bi Kristy admits that she has never brought a girl home to her parents before. “I’ve always hooked up with girls. I’ve never had a serious relationship with a girl,” she confesses. Back at the ranch, Brittany bitches on.

On their “romantic” group date, Bo and Jay give Tila an awkward, tandem massage. During their alone time, Jay demonstrates kissing abilities more froggy than fishy, but he and Tila definitely have more chemistry than her and Bo-zo, who goes all Super Cheese during his alone time. He spouts some awful line about staring into her eyes which I can’t bear to repeat here and is rewarded with smoochies. Quote of the night: Jay, “Bo got sloppy seconds from the Jersey boy!” *snicker*

On the “dirty” date, Lisa, George and Brittany don skimpy, white short-shorts and halter tops and roll around in paint with Tila. Brittany finally gets a little alone time and bonds with Tila.

Next! During her alone time, Lisa’s aloofness pisses Tila off. Lisa’s beef? “When there’s 10 people fighting for your attention, I’m not going to be like… ‘here’s my life story.’” Compared to the other five, who now fawn over Tila at every opportunity, Lisa’s reserve stands out for sure, and Tila seems oddly wounded by the Glamazon’s refusal to play along.

There’s one final challenge before elimination. It’s a hot dog eating contest, but since busted up Bo still can’t chew solid food, everyone must suffer! Making that… a weenie sucking contest! That’s right, kids. It’s hot dog smoothie time. Dogs, buns, relish, onions, mustard and ketchup… aw, yeeeah! It’s all in there. (*Hork!*) The first one to down a huge mug full of the stuff through a straw wins an “intimate” private date with Tila in her bedroom. Aaaand they’re off! Kristy takes one whiff and gives up: “Ew! I’d rather have pig vagina.” Jay and Bo take a few sips each and give up. Brittany knuckles down, but she’s behind frontrunners Lisa and George. George starts gagging on the slushy weiners, slowing down and Lisa takes the lead! It’s Lisa, coming up on the inside rail. Lisa in the home stretch! Yes! She’s done it, folks! It’s Lisa for the win! Best little weenie sucker in town, baby. Brittany bitches about losing. Again.

In Tila’s bedroom, Lisa apologizes for hurting the girl’s feelings on the paint date and starts to open up, but then chickens out and starts pulling the tough girl routine again. They feed each other chocolate-covered strawberries in front of the fire, and we get to relive a few of Tila and Lisa’s greatest hits, courtesy of the Ghost of Dyke Dramas Past. Finally, Tila asks her point blank: “Are you in love with me?” Lisa: “Love is strong word, my dear.” Tila’s face falls. There’s an awkward beat, and then she leans in and our girls make out for what very well could be the last time.

Elimination! For the second week in a row, asshat Jay is the first to be presented with a key while Bo stews in the corner. Kristy is safe, too. Boring Bo gets the third key, cheesing the place up as usual. George, Lisa and Brittany are on the chopping block, with only one key left. The first to go is George, who makes a truly embarassing speech, bitterly dissing Tila. Brittany gets the last key, and my shriek of dismay reverberates, appallingly loud, throughout my second-story office. Lisa is going home, but she gives Tila a gracious hug and wishes her luck before she departs.

Oh, Lisa. You made this show just barely watchable this season. Thank God there are only two episodes left. Lisa “The Beast” of Glamazonia. We hardly knew ye. R.I.P.

Next week: Tila meets the parents of the final four, takes the gang on vacation and narrows it down to the final two!


TV Week in Review…

Getting’ Nothin’ But Static: Scott McClellan’s new book trashing the Bush administration is making headlines; but the audio version, read by McClellan himself, is a total snoozefest! How to fix it? Jon Stewart of The Daily Show invited Fred Schneider from the B-52s on the program to liven the thing up a bit. Hilarity ensued.

Shock and Aww: Lisa is going on to the Top Chef finale and Antonia (?!) is going home? Damn, I didn't see that coming. I still feel the urge to root for Lisa, but homogirl's making it tougher every week. Notice she faults Steph and Richard for not congatulating her on not going home, but she didn't even congratulate Blais on his win (or his new car). Boo!

To Watch for Next Week…

Sunday! USA’s new show In Plain Sight. I was skeptical about this one, but the pilot episode this past week proved most entertaining. The lead, a U.S. Marshall protecting ex-thugs and innocents alike in the witness protection program, is a bad ‘tude and gun-toting AKHC. (Ass-Kicking Hot Chick.) Whee!

Monday! Logo's new lesbo "reality" show Gimme Sugar premieres at 10 PM. It's being described as a cross between TLW and The Hills.

Tuesday! The season finale (finally) of Work Out’s dreary third run. Also, Former NFL star Ray Crockett spends a month in a wheel chair to experience the life of a paraplegic on FX’s 30 Days.

Wednesday! On Bravo, the second half of the Top Chef: Chicago season finale.

Thursday! On HBO, the documentary We’re All Angels, which follows the lives of gay Christian pop singers Jacob and deMarco. The season premiere of Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D-List.

Friday! The mid-season finale of BSG, in which Starbuck is rumored to make a shocking discovery. (Perhaps the fact that her hubbie dearest is a frakkin’ toaster!?)