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July 30, 2008 - 8:52am — Katie LiedermanSometimes the sun is shining, you have your rent money and you stumble across a particularly good episode of Judge Judy. You take a shower, find your favorite t-shirt wedged behind the stove, eat a sandwich involving melted cheese and run into someone that you actually like on the street. You stop in a bodega and find that they have bottles of Coke — actual glass ones — as opposed to standard-fare plastic. You sit on a stoop, pick up the coffee-stained copy of the Post lying beside your feet, read about a heroic firefighter who saved 12 old ladies from a fiery demise and stare lustily at some hot-ass girl who oozed sex on the pavement as she passed you by.
"Nice rack!" you shout, narrowing your eyes while sucking air through your just-brushed teeth. She ignores you, of course, but that's okay. It is days like these when everything seems okay. More than okay. Things seem like they ought to be. A dude drives by in a Hybrid and Phil Collins' "Take Me Home" floats out his lowered windows. You close your eyes. Life is good.
Other times, you wake up and rue the day you were born. Your A.C. is being a wanky bitch, you're hungover as fuck and, after groggily clawing at your flesh, you discover that mosquitos spent the night partying on your epidermis. You're bloated and hungover, broke and empty, your hair looks terrible and your sink is cluttered with dishes. Everything seems bleak and dismal, and any attempt at recollecting happier times leaves you cringing like a bad joke. More often than not, on both conscious and subconscious levels, times like these tie into your identity as a modern-day homo.
Our devices for coping with our suppressed homophobia and consequent self-hatred are varied and colorful. I've written for gay magazines, volunteered for gay nonprofits, bought seedless grapes from a foppish fruit vendor and have blown lines off gay-tranny ass in drag bar bathrooms covered with homoerotic graffitti tags. I mount floats come Pride, see a gay eye doctor, listen to Wham!, read Lohan-packed tabloids, talk to my gay friends about a wide spectrum of gay things (gender identity, gay adoption, gay marriage, bath houses, flaxseed oil, house music) and have grimy, balls to the wall gay sex (i.e. lights out missionary position on a neatly-made bed). Like how outcasts in their early-to-mid teens learn that there's an outlet for their pain, and that outlet comes in the form of wine coolers, homemade bongs, face-paint, devil worship, body etchings, unwashed hair, misfitting trousers and a perpetually sour demeanor; suddenly their otherness, however tritely it's manifested, becomes the essence of their being.
My point is this: sometimes I wonder if I rub my gayness all up in your grill as a means of trying to reconcile the fact that I am not straight. Whatever. I'm here, queer and will never reap the benefits that heterosexuality would have allowed. Before I realized I was gay, I had several amiable relationships with effeminate men. Sex was quick, painless and routine. When friends ranted and raved about the amazing sex they were having with their boyfriends, I thought they were full of shit — putting on airs, trying to be zesty and vivacious, as if their faux-high sex drive instantaneously catapulted them to a superior ranking in the hierarchy of cool. I now know there was nothing faux about it, that they weren't merely parroting the behaviors of the infamously insatiable Samantha Jones. Their rants were organic, because they're straight.
I was speaking to my parents the other night about adoption. "I'm adopting a baby in 10 years," I announced. "Sperm banks freak me out, and every woman I've ever been with says she doesn't want me copulating with any one of my gay boyfriends for fear of being assigned creepy-aunt status." "Don't do it," my dad said. "You'll have no idea what your child's medical history is," added my mom. "Plus, what if your kid is dumb?"
This is what got me. What if my kid turned out to be an imbecile? I could handle short, reckless, annoying, dull. I could navigate those waters. But moronic? Not so much. Fuck.
Then there are the tempestuous seas of gender politics to contend with. Navigating these waters day in and day out (particularly in the realm of my butch-femme relationships) is like perpetually being up shit's creek without a paddle. Are you stone? Are you trans? Are you a closet bottom? No thanks.
It's beyond depressing to think that I can't marry my soulmate in my hometown NYC, that I probably won't be able to make a baby with them in this lifetime. (Two girl mice did it a few years back through a process called parthenogenesis, but I am not a mouse.) I'm tired of the endless commentary from ignorant straight men on the street who see me holding hands with or groping the tit of another girl. As nice as it is to enjoy sex with the one you love, it doesn't matter how liberal the city is in which you dwell: it's always hard and it frequently sucks. Guys wouldn't say half the shit they do about my ho-ish attire if my girlfriends were boyfriends.
I'm in my late 20s and, granted, have managed thus far to have criminal amounts of fun as a gay. But 10 years from now, when I'm trying to settle down and buy a home and crank out a litter of babies, I probably won't think it's as fun. This isn't to say I foresee my imminent future as being joyless; I don't. But the hardships that grown-up gays generally endure involve a reality check that I can't even begin to fathom without wincing. Heartily. The only thing more wince-inducing is the prospect of living a life void of passion. So my only option is to take the good with the bad.
In the meanwhile, I suppose I'll try to stay politically active and do what I can do to change things, whilst enjoying life's simple pleasures: the curve of a girl's spine as I kiss down her back, her hands on the groove of my waist, how smooth her cheek rests on my chest and close my eyes — breathing in, then out.
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69 Comments
Katie
Where are you??
Does anyone know where Liederman is?
I miss you, Katie, come back! :(
Me tooo :( I miss reading
Me tooo :( I miss reading her sex up blogs when procrastinating at work. there is nothing better! haha
Hey, Yeah..
I was wondering the same thing!
karma in the form of children
i'm pretty sure karma is going to kick my ass and give me a dumb child. and i'm going to have to love it NO MATTER WHAT. kinda like how my gf loves her pug.
http://www.ourchart.com/content/product-review-it-vibrates
I lol
"Plus, what if your kid is dumb?"
That made me laugh.
PS. I was adopted.
The Swingin' A's
i love your writing.
honest to the core, and somehow very lyrical.
thanks for sharing, as always.
To echo everyone
To echo everyone else...thank you for your honesty and for saying the things that many of us feel, sometimes it helps to know that other people are right there with you even if you dont see them in person...
great capsule for life, in general...
for gays, straights, everyone:
"So my only option is to take the good with the bad."
Katie, I want to be your...
melted cheese sandwich on one of your Judge Judy days!!! I think I urinated in my pants a bit while reading your blog. Yep, I did.
Much writerly love,
Tania
WWW.TANIAKATAN.COM
Hey Katie........
That was absolutely stunning.
The emotions that you feel, Katie.... they'll guide you through the uncertainty. Sometimes it's excruciatingly painful and the isolation can feel paralyzing. But, you know what...... I'm sure that most every person in the LGBTQ community has, at some point, been to "that place" along their journey.
"Our devices for coping with our suppressed homophobia and consequent self-hatred are varied and colorful."
Over the years I've made a concious decision to stop living my life as...... a "LESBIAN WOMAN". And, in turn chose to identify as a "WOMAN, WHO HAPPENS TO BE A LESBIAN". This may only sound like cognitive semantics, but fulfilling my needs as a WOMAN first .... has managed to fulfill the lesbian me.
That was a beautiful look into your soul. Thank you for sharing.
;)
actually
that doesn't sound like semantics...it sounds like a massive and positive perspective shift. thanks for reading and thanks for your insights. xo.
awesome blog, my favorite so
awesome blog, my favorite so far. keep it up!
to take the good with the bad
you could adopt me now (i have my medical files and can tell you all my médical history) ?
[i ignore if one can adopt someone older than onesel, but lets try it mommy !)
this is going to sound mean,
this is going to sound mean, but i'm psyched that all you cool internet gay people are normal (still struggle with internalized homophobia and societal discrimination). i thought everyone was too cool for that by now.
p. s.
sorry for being such an ass
A few teens were on The
A few teens were on The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Fox in NYC this past Tuesday to talk about the type of bullying and harassment that they had experienced in their middle schools for coming out at such a young age. It just really showed how, even in the new generation, this type of hatred still exists. For being gay, we will never achieve full equality. We're treated as second class citizens even though we aren't... but we'll never fully overcome that as much as we try to spread awareness and be politically active.
At least gay teens can be on talk shows now though!
The video is here: http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/gay-teens-coming-out/
yea....
great for the youth nowdays...speak up for ur freedom.......!!! its cool to see how develop chance for gay recently even still long way to go......!! at least its develop...sumthing that would never happen at my place.......sight...!
well, i am really sorry to
well, i am really sorry to be corny, but when i was drowning in complete confusion/disaster/depression a few months ago when i was coming out, going on this website and reading your blogs & even just knowing that you existed made me feel better....i was like, oh wow, it is ok to be blonde and a femme and gay and be open about it all on the web
if you've helped me i'm sure you've helped tons of us...just by being out there. so please, keep it up!
being gay IS hard...but i think the more we are out about it the more we help each other & help society give up on their idiotic stereotypes
so even tho being gay is not a choice, at least we have some power in deciding to be out about it & proud of it & screw anyone who thinks otherwise
:)
i think i'll do just that
try to screw anyone who thinks otherwise. i'll probably be beaten off with a stick and dragged away in handcuffs, but it'll be worth it. in all seriousness,
thank you. i'm happy to be of service.
hehe
that can get dangerous :P
can't even look at her
My girlfriend recently told me to stop looking at her in HER CAR because I had "that look"...the one that says I love this woman! and she was worried that someone would want to drag us out of the car at gunpoint...of course this led to a night of me being afraid to look at her at all, and we fought. We never would have had the slightest argument if it weren't for her fear. Our friends hugged, kissed, held hands, and I was afraid to look at her at all. Never holding hands, the slightest affection shrugged off for fear of haters...it's fucking hard. No doubt. Certainly adds to my stress level and messes with an otherwise perfect relationship.
Beautifully written Katie.
Beautifully written Katie. This is definitely my favorite blog of yours to date. It really resonated with me.
Marry? Your
Marry? Your soulmate?
Suuuuure you're not into titles?
These days, after a rough, republican-soaked gay adolesence, only time I'm serious about wanting to be straight is when I get my heart broken (by a girl).
Then I think that being with a man would be easier because I wouldn't fall so hard on my ass when it was done. Losing a pair of man-nipples from your life sounds like something you could shrug off. How's that for deranged?
I'm selfish
This is going to sound terrible. I kinda like it when you feel the gay angst because I like how you write about it. Very selfish of me, si.
start yoga now
Liederman, snap out of it! you're living la vie bohème, every romantic's dream. don't go all bourgie & moan over these kids you can't have in some vague future... let me self-edit. you're right to go down into the pain. it's impossible at such times to distinguish vrai from faux. thank you for feeling it for us.
i'm living la vie boheme?
cool! i'll feel angsty for you any day, baby.
Oh, she tried yoga.
Oh, she tried yoga.
Yup
Today I woke up. The sun was shining. I put on my favorite t-shirt and jeans. I went to college to take my final exam and end my summer classes. The final went really well so I was in a really great mood. I've finished my classes for the summer and I'm going on a 7 day cruise on Friday. All was well.
I take my old college books to the college mall to sell them back. I get $252.50 for them (woohoo!.... or so I thought) I turn around and go look for the books I need for next semester. The total. . . . $368.19! And that's only for the books for 2 of the 3 classes I'm taking in the fall. I still have to buy more.
I decided, it's because I'm gay. Yup. I said it. My college charged me more for those books because they don't want me to succeed in life. Because I'm gay. No I'm totally kidding, those fockers rip everyone off! Anyway that ruined my day. Liederman you brought to light the fact that life as a grown les is tough as shit. Well. Fuck. I guess my whole life is going to be burdened with a massive lack of equality. Makes me want to give a straight person a mean look lol.
uni books
College/University books are such a rip off. Once i had to pay $60 (australian dollars), for a book of physical chemistry constants. Yep, our professor is a tool and a fricken genius. He charged us $60 for a 30page A5 little beauty written by him that had constants and graphs in it that you could just google (and when i say constants it included things like the boiling temperature of water).
Lol
Man that sucks. I've been pretty lucky and had good professors, but unfortuanetly my school is fazing out a lot of the books for the classes I have to take. They're bringing in new editions. Which means I can't buy the books used, I have to buy them brand new at ridiculous costs. Sucks hard.
eh
i guess i should be grateful for the textbook rental program at my university. don't have to pay for a book unless it's damaged..which has happened once so far. still don't know how that happened..
love your articles katie! i think yours are my favorite, thus far.
Great article, Katie
I think this is the best article you have written so far on Ourchart, Katie - IMHO, of course.
I think every gay person knows this feeling of sadness, which tends to surface in moments that are already bad in themselves... When you come to think of it, it's rather depressing that we put so much energy (each to their own) into not to achieve some overly ambitious goal, "only" equality... Or we are just trying to have fun till we are oblivious to everything else.
Countdown to Leiderspawn
Do not despair, Lady Leiderman. Who the hell knows what will be possible ten years from now. What the world will accept or disdain. Maybe we will learn to conceive by way of genetic symbitiotic osmosis....osmotic meiosis (heh. bionerdy)...
And the thought of you raising a dumb kid is beyond laughable. Firstly because there is no such thing as a dumb kid. Potential and capacity for learning just need to be fed. So rack up on the baby mozart dvds and do that whole nurturing the mind thing.
As for gender-bendy difficulties....mreh... I'll tell you this much- kids are receptive to whatever the hell we teach them about it. I work in a children's clothing store. I wear suits and have short hair. The little ones are intrigued. The convo usually goes like this:
Kid: Are you a girl or a boy?
Me: I'm a girl.
Kid: How come you wear boy clothes and have boy hair?
Me: 'Cause I like to wear these clothes and I like my hair this way.
Kid: Oh... I like purple 'cause it's pretty.
Me: Purple is pretty.
I think it probably helps that I always smell good.
lol i work in childcare... i
lol
i work in childcare...
i got to random childcares as a casual and i get the same thing every time..
kid: are you a girl or a boy?
me: im a tree
kid... kinda jumps on me and tries to climb me :D
when they grow up ima tellem who cares if im a boy or a girl? you owe me i changed ur shitty nappy even though im not a breeder so u better worship my gay ass!
i like your optimism
baby mozart. i'm into the idea. i get the "are you a girl or a boy" question too, but not from kids (from tranny chasers).
my favorite
Katie, you keep one-upping yourself. This is my new favorite of yours.
thank you
you are one of my favorite writers, btw. gear up to eat weird food with your hands. it's happening.
Ethiopian food is the best
Ethiopian food is the best cuisine to cement new friendships. You literally break bread together, and you make a big, delicious mess.
Perfectly and the tradition
Perfectly and the tradition wants also that you prepare the first share of food for another person around the table as another prepare one for you (in fact that's what the owner of an Etiopian restaurant in brussels told us, so did we :-))
cast out
this is my favorite blog entry so far, however, the downside is now i have that phil collins song stuck in my head...
Let's see...
To me, the image you portrayed with the hangover and dirty dishes has little, if anything, to do with being a homo. It actually makes me think of frat boys... oh wait, frat boys are pretty gay, aren't they?
Anyway, I can't speak to a lot of those specific hazards as they don't fit my personal lifestyle. However, I can say that when things aren't going well for me, it has more to do with my spiritual grounding and connection (or lack thereof) at that time. Reconnect at the root and I'm good to go.
sign here
are you by any chance a capricorn?
McCartney
is a pain in the butt with a wise ass rising.
Oh, I thought that was you.
Oh, I thought that was you. ;)
Thanks for the defense.
All I'll say to Moon is that it takes one to know one.
Speaking of it taking one to
Speaking of it taking one to know one...I'm a fellow Sadge. ;) How come you never put your foot in your mouth? We do that all the time.
I leave that to Moon.
She's way better at it. And my Pisces moon softens my edges.
:) :) :)
Taem?
quit being so logical
did it ever occur to you that the reason i'm hungover with dirty dishes is cuz i'm trying to escape my gay pain?
sign here
you're not by any chance a pisces?
no
a libra. and i don't really know what that means. i think libras are supposed to be calm and level-headed. i'm not.