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Let's Not Talk About Sex
August 6, 2008 - 7:56am — Jen Berkowitz
I was going to write about talking dirty in bed, but that’s been written about enough. Then I was going to talk about phone sex, but it’s been covered. And then I was going to talk about new sex with new people… Old sex… Bad sex… Cock-obsessed lesbians… Fetishes, good sex, no sex. Hot sex, cold sex. I might as well talk about green eggs and ham. What hasn’t been talked about with regard to sex?
Being in the coming-of-age group and having just lived in California for a few years, I am steeped in the psychobabble language of Saturn Returns, growing up, issues, emotional health, blah blah blah. Even when it comes to sex these days, I find myself analyzing things from some psycho-perspective. A friend who does sex work shared with me that even his straight male “client” understood his need to be dominated by a gay man as “part of his process.” It all sounds so un-sexy.
Where on the spectrum are we in 2008 when it comes to sex, identity and language that helps us explain or understand almost everything — repressed, rebelled, Madonna-feminized, new-aged, more sophisticated than ever, empowered MySpace sluts? Personally, I’m just thankful Annie Lennox was wearing a suit and toting a cane on MTV when I just happened to be playing with blocks in the TV room.
Have you ever had a little fun with yourself to a nice clean fantasy, and then, at the last second, something completely unexpected from the flipbook of your mind just shows up out of nowhere? And then your mind explodes, and there you are, completely satisfied; and the few cells that work in your brain are wondering just a little bit who the hell you are. I have. And when I thought I should psychoanalyze my own primal sex brain and tried getting into this with a dear friend, she thankfully set me “straight.” In not so many words, she told me that you can’t explain this stuff too much or even rationalize it. (This is also the friend who told me the ass is about “the unconscious.”) And really, even if you can get right down into the heart of the thing, you sure as hell may never be able to change your personal tastes or what gets you goin'.
In Judaism, the name of the “lord” is written as “G-d.” It’s a matter of reverence for something that is mysterious in nature — you can’t simply write this name or speak about it casually. I’m not suggesting here that sex should be equated literally per se, or that we shouldn’t talk about it. (Isn’t everything about sex, anyway?) But I realize that the inclination to be so casual about something so mysterious has its effects. I’ve learned so much about a friend’s new sex life that I can’t look at her girlfriend without imagining a fist in her ass. Then again, lately I look at couples walking down the street and wonder what they look like getting busy. Who knows? Maybe it’s all just in my head. Already my modern brain has noticed that I’ve written “ass” (as opposed to other parts) here twice, and I’m sure that means something.
Being in the coming-of-age group and having just lived in California for a few years, I am steeped in the psychobabble language of Saturn Returns, growing up, issues, emotional health, blah blah blah. Even when it comes to sex these days, I find myself analyzing things from some psycho-perspective. A friend who does sex work shared with me that even his straight male “client” understood his need to be dominated by a gay man as “part of his process.” It all sounds so un-sexy.
Where on the spectrum are we in 2008 when it comes to sex, identity and language that helps us explain or understand almost everything — repressed, rebelled, Madonna-feminized, new-aged, more sophisticated than ever, empowered MySpace sluts? Personally, I’m just thankful Annie Lennox was wearing a suit and toting a cane on MTV when I just happened to be playing with blocks in the TV room.
Have you ever had a little fun with yourself to a nice clean fantasy, and then, at the last second, something completely unexpected from the flipbook of your mind just shows up out of nowhere? And then your mind explodes, and there you are, completely satisfied; and the few cells that work in your brain are wondering just a little bit who the hell you are. I have. And when I thought I should psychoanalyze my own primal sex brain and tried getting into this with a dear friend, she thankfully set me “straight.” In not so many words, she told me that you can’t explain this stuff too much or even rationalize it. (This is also the friend who told me the ass is about “the unconscious.”) And really, even if you can get right down into the heart of the thing, you sure as hell may never be able to change your personal tastes or what gets you goin'.
In Judaism, the name of the “lord” is written as “G-d.” It’s a matter of reverence for something that is mysterious in nature — you can’t simply write this name or speak about it casually. I’m not suggesting here that sex should be equated literally per se, or that we shouldn’t talk about it. (Isn’t everything about sex, anyway?) But I realize that the inclination to be so casual about something so mysterious has its effects. I’ve learned so much about a friend’s new sex life that I can’t look at her girlfriend without imagining a fist in her ass. Then again, lately I look at couples walking down the street and wonder what they look like getting busy. Who knows? Maybe it’s all just in my head. Already my modern brain has noticed that I’ve written “ass” (as opposed to other parts) here twice, and I’m sure that means something.
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85 Comments
Unsex
You know in a world so sex obsessed its like a breath of fresh air choosing to be celibate. It's there being shoved down your throat wherever you turn to the point where you stop and think 'wait a minute, there HAS to be more to it than this crap'. Roughly some two years ago I got sick and tired of being told how to fuck, who to fuck, when to fuck, how many to fuck, why to fuck them, why not to fuck them, blah, blah, blah that I chose the ultimate road to freedom which to me translates as celibacy and I haven't looked back since. I get asked zillions of questions daily from curious minds who are still victimised by societal sex expectations and are out there 'performing', more for the world than themselves, and my usual response is 'yes I dare to be different' lol. Nothing wrong with sex or discussing sex, but when it gets to the point where its more about who and what youve done rather than actual human physical/emotional connection and satisfaction, where it becomes more like a sex marathon with no prize at the end, you gotta ask yourself 'what's the point to all this?'.... **************************************************
♥ I firmly believe that the only opinions that matter are those of people that we know, love and respect. The rest is just noise ♥
Some heavy thoughts on light fisting...
I feel sorry for the nurse or nurse aid caring for that woman 60 years down the line... it's unreal how incontinent she will become after having dozens of "fistfights" in her asshole. She mid as well name her ass "Rocky Marciano," because it is going to take a fucking pounding, leaving her with the ass equivalent of cauliflower ear mixed with alzheimers (if that makes sense, if not fuck it).
Don't even get me started on perforated colons... YIKES.
Porn?
Where's the hard core stuff on Our Chart?! I've just spent the last hour looking for it.
Seriously, I wouldn't call anything I've seen posted here even soft core. I hardly think a mention of a friend sharing too many details of her sex life and the (uncomfortable) visual imagery that results is the same as porn. I actually found it amusing.
I am very adamant that it is NOT my responsibility nor the responsibility of the editors of this site to make sure kids don't see things they shouldn't. For several reasons- 1. That it promotes censorship, keeping adults from seeing things they should be able to if they wish. 2. It promotes lazy parenting. 3. I had a 3, I swear I did, now I forget what it was.
I agree that censorship (self imposed or state sponsored) of the full range of ourselves as human beings (esp. our sexual selves) feeds homophobia.
And I don't come to Our Chart for porn either. There's plenty of other sites I use for that. :-) But, do we really expect the official site of The L Word to not have sex on it? Don't we watch The L Word for the sex? Just me? Oh, well.
I have been gay....
longer than some of the people here have been alive. I have watched and cheered as our lesbian leaders have put themselves right on the edge to provide lesbians what freedom we have. The blog is called "Sexed Up" for a reason, to talk about sex. Do I particularly want to talk about the "fist" myself, maybe not. I think I one time said "WTF" when Grace Moon referenced the comment. But it is women like Grace Moon who have pushed that restraining barrier lesbians have had to tolerate for years, closer to lesbian freedom.
When you have lived for years whispering in bars or your own home about your feelings of sexuality, a site like this is trully a breath of fresh air. No, it is a relief! The act of sex would be the greater relief, but talkng about it is a good thing.
Stop suppressing people, or trying to suppress people. When we lesbians start doing to our own what the straight world has been doing for centuries, then what the fuck has the struggle for equality been for?
Circles are good!
maybe i missed something
but isn't this category called "sex up"? so while talking about sex may not necessarily lead to better sex it should be taking place in this category i think - raunchy, polite, philosophically or whatever..
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde
"I’ve learned so much
"I’ve learned so much about a friend’s new sex life that I can’t look at her girlfriend without imagining a fist in her ass."
...interesting....
Yeah...oh...that is...too
Yeah...oh...that is...too big.
Fist in her ASS
Thank God I am not into shit like that.The ONLY THING that goes up my ass is my Dr's finger once a year and if I could get away with not having that yearly GYN thang that would not go up it. But hey to each his own.
Well, when you put it THAT way.....
One word comes to mind, OUCH.
Soooo
CUTE.
Okay....
now that little emoticon is just way too funny!!!
LMFAO
love it!!!
By the way...your "Censorship" comment below...
AWESOME...as always.
Neither offended nor advocating censorship
When I read some of the posts in this thread, I'm glad to see the variety of opinions expressed. I assume that those who established this community and contribute to it are responsible for whatever they say, do or allow here. It's important to acknowledge, as a community, OC does have standards. We cannot harass, become abusive or cyber-stalk each other (among other things). I don't believe a sexually explicit video of two women having sex, showing genitalia and live action would be allowed on this site. (would it?) That all amounts to censorship in one form or another and it establishes standards for the community.
Since we don't pay for memberships, OC no doubt relies on advertising revenue which I'm guessing has some relationship with the number of hits the site gets (and perhaps the number of members). The variety of content on OC attracts people with many different interests. And, sex sells. Not only that, it's an integral part of how we define ourselves as lesbians. Most of us want to read and talk about it. Then why not a graphic sexual video with women doing all of the things the sex up blogs talk about? Is there some implied or actual standard about that? Is it the difference between visual and verbal? If so, as a visual artist, I could cry foul. (My neighbor called me a pornographer because the nudes in my work offended her and they don't even have their fists in any orifices.)
Regardless of how I feel about children accessing some of the strongly graphic sexual material (which is actually a very small percentage of what is on this site), I fully support anyone who wishes to express what they have to say.
On a lighter note, if anyone wants to have a little fun with free speech, how about telling the security guard at the airport the quick and easy way to turn your vibrator into a bomb.
Lezbeth
I like the Sex Up pages
There have been interesting articles here and I appreciate them. Sex is written and posted about here in an adult way, something I appreciate. It's also women talking about sex, sharing stories and experiences.
It's the Internet. If one doesn't like it, one can instantly click on something else.
Let's Not Talk About Sex.....
Let's talk about detachable vaginas.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8FfFwtL91Q
Nothing but love
Tex
LMFAO
Wanda is so freaking funny. Good one Texas Chica. LMAO
__________________________________________________
"I'll keep this[breast dagger] for the time being."
"Ha! It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough!"
-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Dreamworker"
LOL!!
Oh Tex how I adore Wanda <3333 thanks for sharing, forgot about this skit HAHAHA. I'd like to clone mine in case I pull a Shane and lose mine, always have a backup^^
Peace & Love,
P~
PS>love her jacket in this clip
almost afraid to click on your link
...wondering what kind of weird plastic/rubber thing would show that I would later regret ever seeing. but I did click and – hysterical!! thnx t-chart!
"run by my house and grab my pussy..."
Wanda Woman!
TC, thank you soo much! Wanda can bring us back to reality on just about any subject.
lmao
Taem?
Censorship?
As long as there is a diverse community of women participating at OC, there will be some women offended by some of the content, at any given time. I find nothing about our sexual freedom,and the ability to discuss it openly,degrading or offensive.
Our ability to discuss adult issues is a freedom that I personally, do not take lightly. When we, as a community of women, begin to discuss censoring others thoughts and expressions. I find it alarming. I support all forms of expression on this site, as well as other sites... 100%. The alternative is censorship, nothing else. Of course we always have the choice to participate, or not.
http://www.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/96-511.ZS.html
http://www.aclu.org/privacy/speech/15145pub20020317.html
The right wing, Christian conservatives ,enjoy using the term "COMMUNITY STANDARDS" when discussing what THEY find unacceptable. Well, who sets those standards? You, me, someone who's offended or someone less offended? A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim ? Are some individuals here at OC trying to decide, for others, what our "LESBIAN COMMUNITY STANDARDS" should be? It's a slippery slope girls..............
Even though, I have found some blogs to be one's that I chose to not participate in. That's my choice.... MY CHOICE. Is it right for some individuals, regardless of how well intentioned it may be, to decide for anyone else what is acceptable dialog in a public forum....... I find that disturbing.
And, to those who may be concerned about young children obtaining "access" to OC. Minors can not legally "participate" in discussions, PM members or post profiles. Access to all internet materials should be supervised by parents or responsible adults.
I am not trying to be insensitive to those who prefer a more subtle approach to lesbian sexuality. However, I would implore everyone to reflect on how many courageous women and men, over the years, have fought to guarantee us the right to discuss our sexuality openly... and with out repercussion.
This is not being directed at any specific individuals.So, please don't take it as such.
Peace.
community standards
this whole conversation is reminding me of an incident back when i was in college. (puts on old fogey hat). well, at least the differing notions of 'community standards'.
i was in the progressive student network, and we frequently held benefit concerts. it was the mid 80's, and usually the punk bands were the first to volunteer for such things - and a band named ' the burning lesbians' was one of them. at the planning meeting, i found myself having to defend our choice of bands, when a somewhat conservative lesbian couple came to the meeting with a flyer for one of the band's past shows that had a leather/dominatrix motif. they were offended by the image and threatened to lobby the kent gay and lesbian foundation to sever ties with us if we allowed the filthy minded band play.
as far as i could gather, they were very concerned with putting out a non-threatening we're just like everyone else image of lesbians to the straight world - while the punk dykes didn't really care what the breeders thought.
we were able to resolve the problem without resorting to bringing out the whip, luckily quite a few of us in the group were also peace & conflict studies majors and were required to take a variety of conflict resolution courses.
So what did you all decide?
So what did you all decide? Did you wind up having the leather dominatrix punk lesbian band play? Sounds kind of fun acutally. I was a big "Bitch and Animal" fan before they broke up.
they played
and i don't think the complaining couple came to the show. still wish the drummer hadn't moved to california, could use her for my new girl band :)
and remember....
"America continues to be the fountainhead of filth and immorality, and its influence is global." -dr. james dobson
boy I feel kind of silly. I
boy I feel kind of silly. I just Googled "Bitch and Animal" and discovered that Daniela Sea performed with Bitch. She's on the L-word. ;-)
what are you doing googling
what are you doing googling gals at work? in the kids section even.... ;)
Ha! :) Who said I was in
Ha! :) Who said I was in the kid section?
Hun, Daniela dates Bitch -
Hun, Daniela dates Bitch - and has for quite a while.
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
Ya learn something new every
Ya learn something new every day.
censorship
LBDL! great reply and extremely well written. thanks for making it a clear cut issue. We all have freedom of speech. What's important is how we use it. mimi
Great post Longbeach.
Great post Longbeach. Thanks.
Thank You PeaceKitty....
I knew that you would understand my intention. And yes, I do find it a very delicate balance between freedom of speech and protecting children. I want to thank you for your care and concern for the children and young adults who enjoy using the services of our public libraries. Funded by tax dollars, they should be as safe a possible, for all visitors. As a child, the library was my second home, if I wasn't at the beach.... I was at the library. Children should always be protected to the extent that it is legally possible to do so.
I can always count on you for a healthy, and intelligent discourse.
;)
I love you. :)
I love you. :)
P/K
Hey girl, YOU'RE awesome.
;)
i wouldn't normally read longer posts
but i read yours... hand cramps?? j/k...
that was a good post - logical and direct. :)
Re: Sexual Representation
I've said this before.
People get upset about "site content" and whatnot maybe because they feel like the content here should be representative of their views/beliefs/community etc. That's all well and good but when it comes to blogs, blogged by individuals........realistically, they can only represent themselves.
If things are too "soft core" for you, just don't read it. I sometimes don't. It's all personal preference. Or you could start you own thread in the Sex Forum. Or Relationships Forum.
I don't mean any disrespect and will not be around if this turns into a bigger issue than it should be.
Everyone's views are their own. Represent yourself. However that is. That's what the "community" should really be about.
Goodnight.
I think this conversation
I think this conversation has become a bit of what I was discussing with my mom's cosmotologist. He's gay and has been out years and in a long term relationship for quite some time.
He had done the pride parades years ago, but does not feel the need anymore. As he had put it, they were fun when you're young and needing liberation and seeking others who love in the 'not so conventional way'.
We had touched on this subject when I had asked him if he was into activism. He wasn't sure what it meant.
Most people say activism is those who are the lines and in constant protesting with a picket or working in an organized coalition.
I say you're an activist if you stand up and speak when you feel the urge to do so, and do it while being true to who you are.
The homophobia in our community is stifling. We want so much to be normal that at times I think those that have been liberated, can fall right into integration and forget that the shades in our own community is much more refined with many more bold colors of individuality...that in the search for our integration and acceptance, we try to tame our own steps of liberation.
when in doing so, it not only takes these bold steps to bring us into liberation, but also the other steps of integration to keep our community alive.
When speaking about lesbianism, we are speaking about sex between women...it's suppose to be sexed up.
We've repressed ourselves and our feelings, for women, for years - some of us doing it knowingly for decades, some do it unconsciously and find their in a wakening period. And then as soon as we liberate on those feelings, we repress it...and fight another person who makes us confront going through the process of sexual liberation...for what ever reason.
How can we be tied so tight that in a declaration of ones own sexual expression offend another person? Especially when we are women, who love in a homosexual way?
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
Oh, but let's do.
I love this site. I love it when it is brainy and socially conscious and causes me to explode with hopeful energy. I love it when it is political and confrontational, so much it makes my head explode in frustration. And I love it when it is steamy and makes all of me explode. At its very best, it makes me explode with laughter.
As a teacher, I have had occasional squeamish moments when I have wondered if there are people logged on who might benefit from some parental supervision. But ultimately I decided that that was the responsibility of the individual and the parent. Beyond gut feelings, I/we have no way of knowing the age identity of individuals communicating here. And let's face it, even in today's more out community there are relatively few safe places for young queer folk to get a sense that they are not alone.
Ultimately, I decided that the site is what it is. Each section, article, and individual posted reply (and poster)has its own identity and purpose. So let's do, ladies. Let's talk about it all when we need to, however we need to.
Taem?
Lookout, Berkowitz!
You started a fire with this one. Welcome to the family!
wee-haw
wee-haw
if i'm
a big cheese, Berko is Cheese Whiz.
Sex Haiku for You Grace!
If having great sex
You will talk, think and want it
Bad sex is no SEX
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x9rtEHtubI
BUBBA LOVE
LAKE
haiku for sex and talking
When having great sex
talk or be silent, your choice.
I don't do bad sex
I know YOU have great sex!!!!!
Obviously some on here need to get LAID!!!!!!!! ;)
BUBBA LOVE
LAKE
I'm too busy
doing it to talk about it... ;) j/k
LMAO!!! AMEN To those that do!!!!!
BUBBA LOVE
LAKE
Fontina Gorgonzola
has a sexy stripper ring to it, not that you give off that vibe or anything~
Viva Raunch!
You think people would know that if they click on a blog page that is titled “Sex Up,” that they would understand that sex is going to be written about within. I’ve read most of the comments on in response to this particular blog and I just have to sit and giggle. “"most articles are so filthy," and “soft core,” ah haha.
Again, it’s called SEX UP! It’s not soft core. Soft core is what we’re fed on network television. I want filth and honesty. Honesty is why I come here.
Read, enjoy, and appreciate the talent that these women use to convey the stories that are typically inaccessible. I want raunchy, humorous, hardcore, lovely, and sensual all perspectives are important and entertaining.
Please G-D, don’t let the folks that run this site dumb it down to make it as easy to swallow for the masses as all the other generic shit in life!
viva, again your implying
viva, again your implying that the word "Sex" automatically means raunch and to me thats bothersome. you said you want all perspectives and what some of us are arguing on here is that all perspectives are not read about because everytime I open one of the sex up articles giving it another chance, they are always talking about fisting or other hardcore sex acts. It makes me feel like crap as a lesbian, not to mention an outsider, when i cant find an article on a lesbian website thats supposed to be for ALL lesbians, who are trying instead to appeal to those who hang out in bars all the time.
okay then
write a blog about what you like.
I wasn't implying anything, merely paying respect where it is due.
Perfect, you said it better
Perfect, you said it better than I did. Thanks. :)
Okay here's the deal, and I
Okay here's the deal, and I did say the same thing you did about the "Sex up" section.
My point was...lets say you found a wonderful site like this where you can converse with other lesbians about life issues and learn from each other. Let's also say that several sexually charged blogs were posted, which is fine, I'm a librarian and we have lesbian erotica and other very adult things in libraries, just in their appropriate place.
However, the issue is that in an online environment, people who work with children and young adult needs to be very careful about what they post online. Sexual predators use social networking sites like these to prey on young people.
For librarians and teachers it's not an issue of "Freedom of expression." It's an issue of internet safety.
Therefore, some people might be reluctant to post on a site that discusses "fisting" and "ass-fucking" when it's plastered all over the front page. Someone else that I met here on OurChart had a 13-year-old girl email her. There are people of all ages on this site. Would you want your 13-year-old daughter talking to a stranger online about "ass-fucking?" That would make me a little nervous as a parent.
That's my only point and that's why I made sure I had my director give the okay. She did. She's VERY cool and I'm lucky to have such an open-minded manager and mentor who wants me to be free to express myself as a lesbian in public.