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Is It Racist to Primarily Date Your Own Race?
September 23, 2008 - 9:07am — Staceyann Chin
I’m not talking about the overt, idiotic bigot who sees other races as inferior, or dirty, or sub-human. I’m talking about the liberal, fair-minded person who believes that people are people, but has a general preference for familiar skin color against your own. Or a cultural leaning that does not look foreign. And, more specifically, when we seek a life partner, is race a serious consideration?
Some people may quickly dismiss race, saying such a thing does not matter. But everybody knows that race matters in America. Look at the presidential race. Look at the education system. Look at who is graduating from high school, as opposed to who is not, who is being incarcerated, as opposed to who is getting post-graduate degrees. Look at the global distribution of wealth. Look at the countries without clean water, the ones locked out of the economic playing field. Race matters.
The question is more personal than that. In your intimate life, in your bed, in your body — is race a consideration for intimate relationships?
As I get older I become better at articulating what I like and what I don’t like so much. For example, I don’t date women who are in the closet (anymore). I’m too old for that shit. And I don’t date women who are abusive, or unsupportive, or crazy, and I especially avoid the ones who act that crazy out in public. I also like to date women who feel familiar to me, women who allude to a past, a country — a life I left behind when I fled Jamaica to become a practicing lesbian. I have never been able to say I would never partner with a woman who isn’t black, but I have to admit that I am most drawn to black women. And that usually means women who look like the women who raised me, the women with whom I first fell in love, the women who make up my immediate family. The resulting conundrum is that I have had to ask myself if that makes me racist or closed-minded in any way. My human rights politics have had me time and again querying if primarily dating black women means anything other than I like to do, eat, sleep — live — the familiar. But some days I am not sure if that is entirely true.
If you are not entirely comfortable dating outside your race, are you racist?
What if a white boy said he preferred to date white women? Would I see that as merely preference or plain bigotry? What if he actually said he would not date non-white women?
What if a black boy confessed that he preferred white women? What are the implications there?
I grew up with women with skin colors ranging from cinnamon to chocolate to charcoal. The ones who abused me, the ones who were kind to me, the ones who remained indifferent to my existence — they were all of African descent. So when I began to consider women as partners, I was most drawn to girls/women who looked like my mother, my grandmother and the sexiest of my high school teachers. No small wonder then, that at 35, I feel most at home in the arms of women who identify as black.
This is particularly perplexing because, biologically, half of my genes are Chinese. But in America, that does little to change the fact that culturally, and certainly politically, my experiences make me feel more black than anything else. Now, within black communities, one could argue that being biracial has its particular privileges. But when you get right down to it, largely, in most circles, and certainly in North America, I move through the world as a black woman.
So here comes the big question: If I am really a humanist, and I believe that race is only skin deep, then why am I so cautious when dating women from other races? And why is it such a giant leap to date women who identify as white?
These are some of the questions that are hardest for activists to answer about the way we choose to conduct our own lives. And, usually, at the end of these blogs, there is some kind of resolution. But this one remains an ongoing riddle. There are no snap answers, only more and more questions. I’m still working on this. I’ll let you know as I progress.
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49 Comments
Difficult question
I've struggled with this question myself many times. I've dated outside of my race many times. But I've found the most comfort and growth with the person who shared many of the same experiences and culture. Now if I had met someone from a different race that shared a lot of the same experiences as myself then I would settle down/date that person. But now I'm engaged so....I guess I won't find that out.
Life is only as exciting as you make it!!!
helps to have definitions
1. We should not confuse race with culture/ethnicity. Race is a social construct, where labels and meanings are applied to persons by the white majority. Race as most Americans understand it disappears when you leave the U.S. Culture/ethnicity are part of your identity, no matter where you go and what people call you. Is it unreasonable to be attracted to persons of a certain culture/ethnicity that you may also identify with? Absolutely not.
2. Oppression (all the -isms) = Prejudice + Power. By that definition, a non-white person in America can't really be racist, because they have no power structure through which to inflict negative consequences upon someone not in the majority (though they can still perform acts of prejudice). So no, your dating preferences are not (necessarily) racist. Is it prejudiced to prefer someone with particular physical characteristics? Maybe.
3. The images we see in our media that tell us what is "attractive" are powerful and insidious. It does not absolve us for our choices, but it's something we should
be fully aware of.
http://swirlspice.com
I can tell you this...The
I can tell you this...
The heart is BLIND!
You can't help who you fall for.
BUT!!!!!
Your head can certainly muck it up.
It's called free will... making choices and acting or not, on those choices.
Being from the South, I know racists. And of all the 'isms'
in the world, the one 'ism' associated with color is the silliest of all.
And racism is about depriving, and dehumanization, and polarization, and ignorance... that fear of the unknown before even trying to get to know..., ya know?
So maybe Stacyann, that you are attracted to women---chose to love women--who look like you, is merely your comfort zone...your preference--for whatever reasons.
Being a lesbian comes with it's own mixed bag of shit to deal with in this tight assed society.
Throw in being a lesbian, adding a dash of interacial dating in the mix, gay or straight or in-between, and the melting pot gets deeper, hotter and spicier. And really... so far beyond 'skin deep' the conversation just gets liviier.
So let me quibble... to answer your question...
OHkay, perhaps in some smaaall way, you can attach a touch those R-word negatives to yourself and go ahead and call yourself a pseudo-raci...ugh!
I can't even say it.
But say you do think your are 'one'.
It's ONLY because you're depriving YOURSELF, gurl.
Let's call that self imposed segregation.
By cutting yourself off, you've polarized yourself from the possibilities out there.
Racism is a skin thing, no matter what the hell all else is attached to it.
First and foremost... it's a judgement based on the immediate--what one sees.
And I repeat...
The heart is B.L.I.N.D.
Personally, I just think you like who and what you like.
But I will suggest you DESEGREGATE your love life.
Cause you never know..., that red, brown, white or yellow gurl might just be the one who'll rock your Kazbah, baby!
Of course it isn't racist to
Of course it isn't racist to prefer dating people of a certain race. Is it sexist if you only date one gender and not the other? Are all gay people actually sexists for their preferences?
I know that isn't the greatest example since most of us would agree that sexual orientation is set into your brain and the skin color you're most attracted to seems to be a choice more than anything, but still it's very similar. Just as someone might prefer brunettes to blondes, others prefer a darker skin tone as opposed to a lighter one. It's just what we find pleasing, whether there are legitimate reasons behind it or not.
WOW!
I really dont have a response to this question but I am really struck down amazed by someone so similar to myself (culturally being Jamaican and part Chinese) has put so eloquently thoughts I myself have had. Truly amazing. Thanks for posting this. You have no idea how connected this makes me feel
it all looks the same in the dark
race has never been an issue for me. my first girlfriend was black, my second japanese, the next mexican and so on. i have noticed that being black myself, a lot of people think it's racist against my own race that i don't date more black girls. i follow the heart, not the skin tone.
i say its just who you end up with
Personally, I'm attracted to all sorts of women. Granted, I've only been romantically involved (I say involved because one of them wasn't really serious, I don't really know what it was and the other is my girlfriend) with 2 women, both are black. I can definitely see race as an issue in most aspects of life, but not dating (for me). I go to majority white college so, generally, if I'm looking at a girl, she's probably white.
Really, I'm not looking at what race they are or where they're from. I'm looking at if their honest, loving, caring, sweet, and effin' hot.
wat if ur race??
I love the fact you bring up this question.. I myself am mixed blood. I have no race, thought i look as white as chalk. I am native Canadian, and Italian and Irish and a whole bunch of other things.. I just wonder where I fit in the race game.. I am considered white by how i look, so does that automatically place me in one race box, dose that completely devalue my other backgrounds, and cultures..
I am one to date anyone, no matter what race. Though I am crushing on powerful "black" women as of late.. But my past relationships have included a Japanese women, a black women, white women. To me it doesn't make the deciding factor because I fit into too many boxes, I fit into too many cultural house holds. And in your words "i am too many flavors for one spoon".
attraction
I am more attracted to white woman than my own race (african-american). It shouldn't matter about race. Right?
i think that preference is different from racism but...
before i started dating i was primarily attracted to white women; black women were unappealing because they seemed too familiar, they reminded me of sisters and the thought of being with one seemed incestuous, impossible, taboo and wrong.
it was one thing to bring a woman home, but i imagined that bringing home ANOTHER BLACK GAY WOMAN (!) would only provoke my parents to burn my baby pictures. something about dating non-black women seemed remote, non-offensive and ultimately safe.
still, this phase didn't last long and unable to fight their magnetism, i began to date black women. (lucky for me, my parents still like me) now it is difficult to imagine anything else. and as loudly as i can sing along with the avenue q anthem, "everyone's a little bit racist" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbwNSNLPIfw) i cringe to own the racist label on the basis that i prefer to date inside of my race. another factor in my benefit, preventing me from having to admit that i am an ignorant-ass-bigot, is that i am not opposed to dating non-black women, and hey, i even have white friends!
i think it is important for people to choose partners based on what they do/ what they think / what they believe / what they give instead of what they are. yea, yea, bullshit, i know. :-(
often enough i find myself crushing on non-black women and even going on dates, but somewhere there is a disconnect (perhaps my fault) and these relationships never end up being comparable to my relationships with other black women.
so is this inclination towards black women a form of racism?
umm. i guess i think that preference, while different from racism, is still tainted with prejudice. i bet it is safe to say that often enough the comfort we find in our given races is not completely independent of anxieties we have concerning other races. by this i mean, i am partially drawn to black women out of the unfortunate and misguided belief that women of other races don't/can't fully respect or understand me.
so yea, while i don't think that racism is everywhere that preference is- i do think we should mindfully consider why and how are preferences developed and seek to eliminate any prejudice that helped breathe them to life.
www.sheenasays.com
I have a hard time identifying as white
I come from a very ethnically rich family. We have American Indian, Creole, Hispanic, and Irish blood, but my immediate family identifies as white. I don’t understand it, from any angle really. I know that it doesn’t matter and just wonder why we can’t just be proud of what we’re made of. Who we are is what matters, not where we came from, because the only people that can identify truly with where we came from were the ones standing beside us while we were there in it.
Absolutely Not
I don't think people are racist if they date with in their race. I myself date primarliy outside of my race. It know its difficult to date other races everwhere but it seems especially difficult in the south where I reside. People mainly date their own race but I can't help it I'm an addict, Ha, Ha.
good question, though i
good question, though i don't believe a preference is racist. it's racist if you say "i'd never date a black woman because..." it might also be about the ascetics that you respond to. just because you mostly prefer a certain ethnicity and might even put this on a dating profile, doesn't mean you're completely closed to dating other races. if you're attracted to someone from a race outside your normal preference unless there was some major personality clash.
i'm mostly attracted to other caucasians and to south east asian girls (i lived in china for almost 2 years.) some mixed race, but would this mean i wouldn't ever consider dating another race? i don't think i'd stop me.
i find latinas hot, but i don't know any latinas as there aren't much of them in south africa. would i date latina? dunno till i meet a latina
oh and i meant the
oh and i meant the aesthetics you respond too (not ascetics hehe).
"I don't believe a prefrence is racist"
I second that.
I was raised in a prominantly white city and really was uncultured. Once I moved to more urban cities such as Chicago and Indianapolis I formed an attraction for almost any woman that looked nothing like me. But that doesn't mean I won't and/or havn't date/d white women.
I believe it all depends on your upbringing; wether or not you are attracted to your own race. It's hard to put a general statement on such a wide variety of different women.
Opposites Attract
I actually tend to be attracted to women of different races or women that have the look of several races. being raised in basically an all white town makes me feel suffocated. i love cities and the melting pot aspect. its mundane when every face you see looks like yours. America lacks its own culture and i guess thats also what attracts me. women with a strong sense of culture and different life experiences. i dont think that makes me rasicst toward my own race... and it doesnt make others who wish to stay with their own race bigots. its simply preferences and types of attractions. all that should matter is that people can count on other people throughout this crzy thing called life.
...
sometimes it is a lot easier to date the same race...
I agree. I mean, it's hard
I agree. I mean, it's hard enough for some girls to be gay but being gay then dating a girl of another race can be added stress. Lesbians can be racist and bigoted too, not just straights. I know a few black dykes who hate seeing black/white lesbians together. One of them huffs disgustedly whenever she's see said couple and calls them "victims of the swirl." Of course, personally, I prefer the Swirl in all it's different varieties. Hell, I am the product of the swirl.
This reminds me of why many bisexuals date men more than women even if they prefer women. It's a lot easier.
I normally date outside of
I normally date outside of my race.
Is it a preference? No, I'd rather say it is where my attraction mainly resides. One way to explain it is due to my upbringing where I spent time at a very young age living in the white suburbia of phoenix, AZ before coming back to live on a mixed side of Chicago; Speaking of the community your raised around and how it influences your dating tends. As of lately I've been noticing more and more women I find attractive within the black community. I like dykes and it was something I just didn't find before in the black community and now it's becoming more present.
I don't think race is a serious consideration and I've never seen it to be a problem in my relationships. Am I racist against blacks? Hell no. I just know what I like.
Add to the fact that even though I am an African American woman I've never really identified within that context. I took race and threw it out the window a long time ago and decided to not let it be a determining factor in my life. It works for me and my skin color has not been a major factor in my life. There's so much more to me than that and I let that be seen.
Mmm...
I've always said to my self i dont have a problem dating women from different cultures or races... but now i think about it i realize the only non-latin girl i dated was a gorgeous native canadian, and the main reason i asked her out was because somehow she reminded me of my best friend.
I think it's based primarily on the social enviroment you grew up with, i grew up in Mexico, I feel comfortable surrounded by people with hues ranging from black to white I find a lot of bi-racial girls attractive, same with white girls, but i have a preference for brunettes... i don't think that makes me a racist, because i'm sure that if someday i find a person who posseses all the qualities i'm looking for -male or female- their color of skin or race will be the last thing on my sets
I think its less about race
I think its less about race and more about values. I am a person of mixed race myself (caucasian, arab, non-white hispanic), and I personally have a fair understanding of the mixed relationships i have seen in my family and that I myself have engaged in. (My partner is white.) Often people find their values reflected most in those who share similar experiences, upbringings, ways of looking at the world, ways that the world has looked at them. Mostly, that synergy happens when people are of the same race. But it can happen with people of different races who share similar backgrounds, or just have somehow come to value the same things. In my personal case, my partner and I look very different, but our families and the things they taught us were important in life are very similar, and we've found it very easy to knit our lives together because we agree on the major things in life - religion, kids, work/life balance, etc. That's our deal. We like being similar in values. In other cases, maybe something that a mixed race couple agrees on valuing is the very nature of their difference.
So yeah, I think its not necessarily about skin color specifically, its just that skin color can signify beliefs and experiences that a person values and finds attractive.
www.fantasyfantastik.com
preference
it's just preference. we go with what we're familiar with. most of the time. i'm half white and half filipino. it's odd but i identify more with white even tho i am tan. i was always around white ppl in my family and in the community. mostly because i never really saw my filipino side of the family that often. it's not to say i wouldn't date anyone outside of my race...i just have a preference towards ones i'm more familiar with. and more attracted to. but who knows...there's always an exception to the rule.
i think it's as simple as
i think it's as simple as "you're attracted to who you're attracted to". You shouldn't feel any guilt about it. Just as you don't *choose* to be attracted to women; you just ARE; you don't choose to be attracted to a particular race over another, you just are. I don't think it's racist at all. I'm generally attracted to white women, but I wouldn't rule out dating someone of a different race. I'm also generally attracted to brunettes, but wouldn't rule out dating a blonde. I don't see it as any different.
Seeing past colour.....
l
interesting question
i think its natural to feel drawn to what feels familiar - and the chance that someone looking like us is of a similar decent, has made similar experiences and might be generally more "compatible" with us is quite high, no? so as a lot of people have been and are being raised in quite "exclusive" environments, where most people are the same race as us (i.e. family, school, area or even country), this preference comes naturally, unless you feel drawn to other looks cause they intrigue you. You can't argue about one's preferences, but we all should try to raise our kids in diverse environments (if not the parents, so the environment should be), so they feel more familiar with races, lifestyles and looks when they grow up, than we do.
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde
i had only dated latina
i had only dated latina women because i grew up in a latino community. it would have been close to impossible NOT to date latinos
i(a latina) was pretty culturally sheltered and i think i even admitted to a friend that i don't see myself dating outside my race/culture
then college came along with the biggest culture shock of my life. I found out i was an other all along. women of all colors and creeds were introduced to my life. i had a crush every other minute.
still, i manage to date latinas. didnt know to many in college. the ones i did manage to meet were by means of similar interests alone and not similar color (basically, i didn't join MeCHA).
fast forward a couple year later. i'm graduated and with a great girlfriend, one of the girls i'd crush on for years in college. i'm introdcing her to family and friends and going all out in that area (thing i hadnt done before because family wasnt "ok" with it all yet). A couple days later after my mom meets her my mom confeses to me over dinner "i never thought you'd date a white woman". a friend who had met her told me a similar thing after she asked "what she 'was'", "oh she's bi" i replied, "no, where is her family from...what is she". she was surprised with my answer.
hm add some "my mexican friend from work...." here and there from her mom and now i've become so self conscious about how different I am...we are to others.
from my experience dating other latinas has been easy but dating someone completely and totally compatible with me has been easier.
Hm.
Well, thats interesting because I've heard people theorize that if you primarly date another race, you obviously are ashamed of your race. And for some people that is true.
Just like some people who don't like to date another race, are racist.
However, thats not always the case. Usually people pick someone of their own race more so because they feel as if they fit. Usually these people have trust issues, or have delt with racism or have 'fear of the unknown'. They may even identify their past attackers through another race.
I believe if completely depends on the person and their experiences in life.
Perhaps you have a fear that a white woman would reject you or not understand you in some way, vs being with another black woman.
*shrug*
Hell, I like all woman. I'm a british canadian and probably over half of my girlfriends have been native american, one chinese, a couple french, etc. I find myself attracted to latino girls, native girls, white/native girls. I love the darker features, but I also love pail skin and dark eyes.
Race has never been an issue with me when dating women.
Hell, if I met a purple girl and she was cute with a lovely personality, I'd attempt to date her.
I guess I'm kind of a backwards rubiks cube.
I hadn't really taken race into the equation until just recently because for a very long time I had basically identified as white, though I wander through society as an Asian woman. (or I'm usually mistaken for a Hispanic woman by the Hispanic population :P ) Which would make me "white-washed". Which...to explain that as best I can is someone who doesn't have that solid grasp and connection to their own culture that is non-white. They're more connected to their "white side" if bi-racial or the "white culture". One example would be: most full Asian kids who have grown up in very traditional homes have developed accents though they were born here in the States. They wouldn't be considered "white-washed", but actually Asian. Growing up in a bi-racial home, I didn't have as strong a connection to my cultural upbringing because a lot of my integration was with the Western culture. Or, white culture. Which is another animal unto itself being bi-racial. But anyhow.
As my awareness has increased, I find myself definitely more attracted to non-white women. If only because I live in Portland, OR, where it's a mostly white populated town. It is that sense of familiarity.
But there are some parts of me who will avoid Asian women unless they are "white-washed". It's the security of feeling like I don't have to see myself as less than the other for not being "completely Asian". Is that something I've made a statement out of? No. It's reflexive. I just couldn't put a name to it until recently when I was taking classes in college and becoming part of certain social groups that dissected race. Which in turn taught me to look at race in a more analytical light.
As for dating white women, I've done it and I know I'll still do it because it isn't a problem for me. I have no problem explaining my culture (now that I'm taking the time to really reconnect with my Vietnamese side) to non-Vietnamese (half or no) girlfriends/friends because they're curious. And I love to share. It becomes a struggle when they can't see and understand the situations I have to deal with, the things that are problematic and difficult for me to comprehend even with the extra tools I have to take the puzzle apart.
It's still a touchy subject, one of which I have no answers to and haven't found the voice to say where I stand truly. I don't want to admit that race is important when I choose who I'm attracted to, but on a subconscious scale (that I keep bringing further into the light), it is. But interestingly enough, the ones that I can relate to in terms of background and race actually turn out to just be really good friends of mine. After the attraction factor which doesn't really go into a relationship. More of a hook-up and then "oh yea, hm....friends instead. Deal? Deal."
Where are the women in Austin....
that feel like color is only skin deep?? I just recently moved to Austin...and I must say that I am very VERY disappointed in the lesbians here. I've met a few ladies of different races and have been told that women here ...rarely date black femme girls. NOW....I have seen some black butch girls with white/Mexican/mixed femme girls....but NEVER have I seen any femme black girls with girls of a different race. I find this a little frustrating...are black femme girls ...like myself...not datable to other races?? Had to get that off my chest…
Ok…so as far as who I choose to date...I date people based on different interests as well as life experiences. I have always found myself drawn to women that are different from me...and they mostly turn out to be women outside my race. I like dating people that I can learn from and eventually find I can relate to. If women feel like they want to only date within their race…that’s their own preference. The only time I find something wrong …is when people began to think that race that they choose to date is superior over other races.
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IDENTIFIED:LESBIAN
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race vs. ethnicity
I like this post... it's a thinker. Is someone who prefers a specific race different from someone who prefers redheads? or different from someone who likes the artsy type vs. the athletic type? I'd also be curious to know your opinions on race vs. ethnicity... do you prefer one ethnicity over another? I think we feel most comfortable around those we can relate to. For me, race has never been as big of an issue as it is for some because I'm such an unidentifiable mix... I'm not even sure completely what my family tree looks like. I do find comfort and am attracted to people who have had similar experiences to myself though.
Interesting question
I like that you are willing to consider this question. That's the type of woman I'd like to date.
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lets face it
you are an equal opportunity dater...
:)
*
I have had this question posed to me and have participated in several conversations based on this subject, mostly because I went to a college where diversity and understanding its implications were rightly deemed important to effectively and constructively participate in our society today. This included deconstructing 'whiteness' as well as 'blackness' in an effort to understand how privilege plays a part in relationships both private and public.
We had Angela Davis come to our school to speak two years ago. I very much admire and support her work. I self identify as 'White' and do recognize that I get privileges that others do not based on this fact. There was an interracial couple(the girl was white, the guy black) in the audience who challenged her notion that any person of color that dated a 'white' person was doing so for the privileges this afforded them. This created a chasm of sorts in my mind and has made me paranoid ever since.
While the idealist in me would like to think that I would fall for any race, socioeconomic class or degree of education because that person happened to be right for me, I now have my doubts as to the motivation I have to date people who are different from me. I know, Staceyann, that you would most likely be aware of the sex tourism that happens in your home country; white women too scared to date a black guy in America but are all to willing to sleep with one when they are on vacation because no one will ever find out. The guys also feel like they are powerful, being able to sleep with a white woman. Something that historically has been big threat to 'White' society. Knowing what I know, I do not think that I could completely divorce race from power, but I suppose that most relationships have power issues.
This could totally be because I tend to feel guilty for anything and everything, or it can be because it has some truth to it.
I do have faith, though, that I would definitely fall for someone who is open-minded, whether they would be white/black/latino/asian/whatever. There is no definitive answer, so for each person/situation there would have to be some sort of discussion. I cannot say for sure what would happen, but nobody can.
Great Topic
Over many years and many relationships, I can honestly say I've dated and had long term relationships with women from a variety of different cultural and/or racial backgrounds and here's my take. It takes something that stretches across racial differences to get dating going in the first place, even if it's simply attraction to "otherness." In my experience, a relationship takes a lot more work when two people don't have similarities in race, culture, class and even education. When I think about the relationships I've had with women who were black, latina and Jewish, I am grateful for the patience they've shown as I've learned to see the world through a different life experience (theirs).
Your blog brings up another question. Does every attraction we have need to be run through the "ism" test? If I only date women, am I sexist?
Lezbeth
Great blog!
StaceyAnn, You have done it again. I think you hit it with the personal connection to your own history. I believe that for most of us there is reason for the people we find attractive or discomforting.
Being aware of my own history, I realize that an initial attraction to any individual with a rich Burnt Siana skin tone is indicative of a longing for someone who was very important to me when I was young. I try to remain aware of the nature of this attraction, and it has been decades since I let it lead me to assume that the person provoking it was necessarily as sweet and nurturing as girl from my past. Still, when I don't have anyone real in my life to fixate on, I tend to create fantasy women who are variations on how I think she might look all grown up. That doesn't mean that I can't or won't be attracted to people who are way out of that spectrum; just that they don't catch my sensual eye as naturally.
Taem?
This was a gutsy blog
I applaud you for having the guts to bring a potentially volatile topic to the table.
I wish I could remember exactly how my therapist explained attraction but since I can't, I'll ad lib her. Basically, studies have shown, we are attracted to people throughout our lives that resemble the first person we had a positive love experience with.
Example: I am attracted to dark-haired, dark-eyed girls because the first girl I was ever in love with had those characteristics. So my subconcious now tells me "hey look! that girl sort of looks like K. and she loved you madly. maybe this new girl will too."
Familiarity or just hoping for a repeat of a pleasant experience from my past?
Send your girl a sexy, sensual gift basket!
ComeTogetherGiftBaskets
Interesting. People like to
Interesting topic. Yeah, I hate it when some people like to get on those who seem to prefer a certain type not of their own "race" but don't see it as racist if they just date within their race.
As for me, growing up all over the US and in Europe as a military brat and as a multiracial person myself, I've always been drawn to people who don't look monoracial. I hate to use the phrase "exotic other" but I just find mutli-ethnic/racial girls to be the most attractive: Thandie Newton, Carmen Shahi, and Rosario Dawson for example. Of course, any relationship I get in is by default interracial any ways. That isn't to say, I'm completely unattracted to monoracial girls because I've been attracted to girls on every spectrum of the racial kaleidoscope. On a psychological note, I guess I like multi-ethnic girls because of our very unique experience of being girls floating between different worlds.
I do agree that people tend to date people like themselves because of where you live, what you grow up with, and what you identify as. I don't think it's wrong so much to have preference. It just depends on the motive behind the preference and I do think we have more control over who we like than we will ever admit. But there is a difference between claiming you'll *never* date (insert race/ethnicity) as opposed to saying it's just unlikely you'll date (insert race/ethnicity).
In summary, I think what we're attracted to is deeper and yet still a large part of it is consciousness and yes, I think it's much less about general preference than it is about other issues going on it our heads.
All of you have great points
All of you have great points and this is a great debate inspiring blog Ms Chin. I say you like what you like and can't help but be drawn to the familiar, in most cases. There are always exceptions to the "rules" and some people only date outside their own race and depending on those reasons why they choose to do so would determine whether its racist or not.
Thanks for the blog, always thought provoking and I definitely appreciate that.
I don't think so
If racism by definition is believing that someone of a different ethnicity to oneself is somehow not as good as you, then racism only comes into dating when your justification is somehow bigotrous, prejudiced or negative towards their race, for example: "I won't date her because she's hispanic/black/chinese/whatever and that makes her less deserving than I am." But, ms. Chin, you like whom you like and that's it. I don't think racism factors into who you prefer to date. It's exactly like me saying I prefer a girl who is shorter than I am. Its just a thing. I don't have any justification for it, its just what I prefer.
So in sum, I suppose it all comes down to your justification of why.
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Add me or explode!!
My sentiments exactly!!!
My sentiments exactly!!!
Agreed.
Agreed.
I have
dated outside of my race. And I'd do it again. I have yet to fall completely for a "black woman". Well I guess I did...but I had this one crush on a friend of mine who is Dominican - and I consider her to be black Hispanic. I just never got a chance to date her.
Because I been with more men, then women - I'd also have to say I've been with more non-white. In fact my last girlfriend was Native Indian.
And I agree with PK, it's about chemistry.
Some actually might think that dating one outside their race is racist...(converting and thining of blood)...
I just love who I love...
rovermom :)
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It's not racist matter !!!
In my mind I always have a certain type of person that I want to have an affair.
But ... I always fall in love with the exactly opposite type of person that I have in my mind.
I certainly prefer my race at first but I think I am open and to the rest of the world.
In love there is no racist matter....and everything are acceptable without any guilt!!!!
NOW, YOU KNOW,,,
...there are going to be people responding to the mere question with dishonesty. And what would we be so bad about that is that these are the same ones that mainly date women that look like them. If you were to peruse my profile, I'm pretty clear. I have "friends" of all races(and some that aren't black are the most near and dear) however, in my romantic life, I've only dated black women seriously. I went out on a date with a Latina once (officially) the second time...well, I'm in LA and some stuff went down...I digress, I think you are simply drawn to that which is culturally and aesthetically familiar. You explained it perfectly. I see women all the time that are attractive, but not enough for me to pursue. Wouldn't know what to expect, wouldn't be interested in trying something new at this point in my life. But I do leave with "never say never". It's just not the first consideration.
Midlook
All good responses but..
MIDLOOK your comment about dating a Latina in LA and "some stuff went down" really stuck with me.
In my experience...I've me a lot of women who were "open" to dating other cultures and do so....but I've met fewer women who were committed to being with the one they love regardless of race over the long haul. Sure we are all positive about each other as women...we talk about our thoughts and give each other compliments for being sexy, cerebral, exciting creatures...but when things get tough, with family, out in public, looking for a place to live, employment etc...many women take the path of least resistance. We have wants that may be out of range if we date interracially and many men and women simply do not want to do without that job or apartment or love from family. So eventually..they conform on some level.
It takes more than love to completley embrace another being in general. You have to learn who they are in the context of their experience and the experiences they have being part of their , race, gender, economic status. In other words it's work. Many times too much work for too many of us. I'm African American and love/hate all African Americans at times. I also love Latinas...especially Dominican and Puerto Ricans in my personal life. I have a comfortableness with these two groups of Latinas because I grew up in the same neighborhoods with them. Went to school, clubs etc...I've always had less to explain about being black to them because of it. Sharing the same "space" with them and sharing a fair amount of physical characteristics has made a black/puerto rican coupling for example less risky, especially in the NYC. But there are different pressures on interacial dating everywhere..when it's good it's great, but when it's tough, violent, or disadvantageous to our lives in some other way...will you stay? I've always tried to see the person inside so to speak. I've learned not to be swayed by a pretty face, firm breasts and long legs. In other words I'm weary of the superficial. My tastes lean towards women who are a meal rather than a tasty snack. Does that mean only being friends with black women? Of course not. If we are all honest we know that enriching our lives requires input from women of all races, cultures and backgrounds...after all, we are intelligent , rational women...until your lovers mother mentions how much she would love a little blue eyed grandchild. Then rational thought gives way to something more emotional than intellectual. Shame
"From many people come one"
you answered your own question?
It seems to me you answered your own question in the first few paragraphs of the post. I think your question should really be. Why if you don't have a predisposition to date only the familiar why do you not feel comfortable dating the cultural and racial unfamiliar? This is a question if you are honest with yourself and not attempting to be political correct or over intellectual you can provide a full, to the point response instead of a rhetorical question for yourself. the post by thickpumps & midlook I can agree with and think it is what is going on with a lot of people. What is it for you that keeps you out of the arms longterm of a Chinese women? White women? Arab women? Is it the politics of it? Is it you are not instinctively attracted to them? Is it that if you spoke about your place in the world as a black/mixed Jamaican with them you think they would have a hard time understanding that and in-turn you find that a waste of time? You know why, but it is just a discussion to talk around and not on.
There's a difference.
I think personal preference is different from being racist.
I think we tend to gravitate towards the same race because it is a familiar thing, especially if it is cultural. I will admit that if I dated someone from the Philippines, we would have a much better understanding of each when it comes to culture and personality. However, I am currently dating a caucasian person and sometimes I have to explain some of my cultural tendencies and upbringing but I think that is the beauty of it....learning about each other's culture and background.
When someone says, "I will not date anyone other than my own race." that could be racist, depending on how they frame it and their attitude. If someone says, "I prefer not to date someone of a different race" it becomes a personal preference and it is a conditional statement. The person prefers their own race BUT they are not open to someone outside of their race.
We are just comfortable with people that are like us, skin color, personality, interests, hobbies....its all just factors of preferences. Just like any new experience, people get nervous, cautious, and uncomfortable at first but this is not RACIST, just normal human reaction to something new. Also, I think the african american dating a white person is simply "history-packed" and its been a battlefield in the United States and even now. There are expectations and social pressures attached to it that it brings a higher level of anxiety than just your average "new experience".
Color is only skin deep but when we are looking for that ONE person to spend our life with, everything matter, which means sometimes skin color matters but its just preference, not hatred for other races.