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A Lesbian Epidemic
April 22, 2008 - 7:06am — Zina Camblin
What do lesbians bring on the second date? Answer: A U-Haul. The classic lesbian joke. We’ve all heard it a million times. The thing about jokes though is that there is always some truth to them.
The traditional lesbian pattern is that you meet someone either at a bar, a natural food market, online or at a mutual friend's house. You court one another for two weeks, you fall in love, adopt a shelter animal and then the inevitable happens — the dreaded LBD.
Why is this our fate? Why does this epidemic strike the lesbian community with such fervor? If you don’t know what these initials stand for, then you are either very lucky in your relationships or just out of the lesbian loop and need to take a class.
LBD stands for Lesbian Bed Death. It usually first strikes couples eight to twelve months into their relationship. If you can get past this initial phase of it, the next one usually strikes after three or four years. If you can get past that phase, then you probably are immune.
What is it? Where does it come from? Is it specific to lesbians or do gay men and heterosexuals experience the same fate? Is there anything that can be done to prevent it?
What is it?: What a lesbian couple experiences when the sexual chemistry in their relationship comes to a dramatic halt.
Where does it come from?: That is the mystery we all want to figure out.
Is it specific to lesbians?: It seems that way to me; but I’ve never been a gay man, and I haven’t been in a heterosexual relationship since high school.
Is there anything that can be done to prevent it?: I hear that Eli Lilly Pharmaceutical is working on a pill currently being testing on lesbian lab rats.
But seriously, this is a real problem. So many lesbian friends of mine have come to me in the beginning of their relationships, completely sprung, bragging about how great the sex is and how they just can’t get enough. Then, sure enough, about eight months later the shiny glow is gone from their cheeks and they’d rather watch a basketball game at my house than go home and share a moment of intimacy with their significant other. “It’s just not the same,” they tell me. “It used to be so good and exciting. Something’s changed.”
Is it because we put our all into it so fast and reserve nothing for the months ahead? Maybe we should learn from squirrels that know how to pace their food supply so that they have plenty left for the winter. It’s like we rush into a cozy sense of false security; we’re greedy for the now and use all our energy and excitement to the point where we don’t have any left.
Photo. www.thisislondon.co.uk
Some people say it’s because women have less sex drive than men; so, if you get two women together, the magic is bound to fizzle eventually. The theory is that neither partner really has that innate so-called male desire... that it’s more of an emotional connection and, therefore, we get caught up in this pattern of emotion and being cozy and cuddly rather than experiencing that primal need to be sexual.
I, myself, don’t agree with this narrow-minded and sexist point of view. I think women can be just as sexual as men and that there is this false stigma that goes along with being a woman that, if we are indeed that sexual, there is something wrong with us. So we are taught to oppress our innate sexual desires. In fact, most of the lesbians I know are very sexual. We also tend to be very creative in the ways in which we have sex, given that there are so many fun options! So what’s the problem? Do we become lazy once we feel settled and secure?
Is the prevention as simple as taking our time in how fast we get involved, pacing ourselves better to salvage the sexual tension? Or is it about coming up with new and exciting ways to be with our partners?
I’d be curious to hear from people who are in couples or have been in relationships who have been able to overcome this horrible epidemic. How did you get through it, if you did, and what triggered it to happen in the Beginning?
Let’s try and brainstorm together to eradicate LBD so that we may live in long, sexually fulfilling and exciting lesbian relationships!
The traditional lesbian pattern is that you meet someone either at a bar, a natural food market, online or at a mutual friend's house. You court one another for two weeks, you fall in love, adopt a shelter animal and then the inevitable happens — the dreaded LBD.
Why is this our fate? Why does this epidemic strike the lesbian community with such fervor? If you don’t know what these initials stand for, then you are either very lucky in your relationships or just out of the lesbian loop and need to take a class.
LBD stands for Lesbian Bed Death. It usually first strikes couples eight to twelve months into their relationship. If you can get past this initial phase of it, the next one usually strikes after three or four years. If you can get past that phase, then you probably are immune.
What is it? Where does it come from? Is it specific to lesbians or do gay men and heterosexuals experience the same fate? Is there anything that can be done to prevent it?
What is it?: What a lesbian couple experiences when the sexual chemistry in their relationship comes to a dramatic halt.
Where does it come from?: That is the mystery we all want to figure out.
Is it specific to lesbians?: It seems that way to me; but I’ve never been a gay man, and I haven’t been in a heterosexual relationship since high school.
Is there anything that can be done to prevent it?: I hear that Eli Lilly Pharmaceutical is working on a pill currently being testing on lesbian lab rats.
But seriously, this is a real problem. So many lesbian friends of mine have come to me in the beginning of their relationships, completely sprung, bragging about how great the sex is and how they just can’t get enough. Then, sure enough, about eight months later the shiny glow is gone from their cheeks and they’d rather watch a basketball game at my house than go home and share a moment of intimacy with their significant other. “It’s just not the same,” they tell me. “It used to be so good and exciting. Something’s changed.”
Is it because we put our all into it so fast and reserve nothing for the months ahead? Maybe we should learn from squirrels that know how to pace their food supply so that they have plenty left for the winter. It’s like we rush into a cozy sense of false security; we’re greedy for the now and use all our energy and excitement to the point where we don’t have any left.
Photo. www.thisislondon.co.uk
Some people say it’s because women have less sex drive than men; so, if you get two women together, the magic is bound to fizzle eventually. The theory is that neither partner really has that innate so-called male desire... that it’s more of an emotional connection and, therefore, we get caught up in this pattern of emotion and being cozy and cuddly rather than experiencing that primal need to be sexual.
I, myself, don’t agree with this narrow-minded and sexist point of view. I think women can be just as sexual as men and that there is this false stigma that goes along with being a woman that, if we are indeed that sexual, there is something wrong with us. So we are taught to oppress our innate sexual desires. In fact, most of the lesbians I know are very sexual. We also tend to be very creative in the ways in which we have sex, given that there are so many fun options! So what’s the problem? Do we become lazy once we feel settled and secure?
Is the prevention as simple as taking our time in how fast we get involved, pacing ourselves better to salvage the sexual tension? Or is it about coming up with new and exciting ways to be with our partners?
I’d be curious to hear from people who are in couples or have been in relationships who have been able to overcome this horrible epidemic. How did you get through it, if you did, and what triggered it to happen in the Beginning?
Let’s try and brainstorm together to eradicate LBD so that we may live in long, sexually fulfilling and exciting lesbian relationships!
- Zina Camblin's blog
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39 Comments
There's a class for that?
At first, I was certain I would need to take that class b/c I was not familiar with what those letters meant BUT after reading the post and responses...WHO NEEDS A CLASS?!?!?!? I have been educated by you all so THANK YOU! I see the light of what LBD means...I just hope I never have to see the light of LBD existing in my relationship / bedroom!
PEACE!
are you people crazy?
Geez im so tired of mainstream lesbians giving into some stupid notion that you have to have LBD a year after your relationship and four years after that..blah blah blah. If your with the right person who turns you on on all levels than you wont have that problem. If you picked wrong in the first place then yes better count on it. Id like to also add a spiritual message here. Ive been getting into the law of attraction which states that everything like itself is drawn, which means if you think about something bad, then bad will come to you, you think good things, good will come to you. If you sit around constantly telling everyone and their mother that lesbians are supposed to have bad sex lives than your going to be out of luck and out of sex in no time flat because thats the natural law of the universe. you get what you think about
I agree that bed death
I agree that bed death doesn't just happen to lesbians.
I am bisexual.
I tend to be a highly sexual person but get so secure in the fact I am in a relationship, that I just kind of stop...it's really odd, I do it with women and men.
If this happens with more than one girl at once maybe this is where the epidemic comes from :p.
I officially have a goal that in my next relationship I will make sure we both work to keep that passion alive.
now for the f-ing u-haul
I wont lie its happened i think its a stupid bad idea but we all do it i think its because we let our minds run away with us women are natural thinkers and we sit and think and jump into things because we build up a fantacy land of sex drugs and rock n roll maybe not all that but we play pretend in our own heads and we are actually there living with this person it could be as great as we thought or it could horriably wrong its all in our heads and we will never no because who actually knows whats in the own damn female mind?Tara Tavish Cole
umm..
I dont think its as big a deal as people are saying i mean who cares if you dont want to have sex everyday 5 times a day anymore taking a break can be a good thing to get your life back in order because everyone can admit that those first 8 months are good and bad because all you care about is getting you and your partner off and if thats all you care about then what about the other stuff in you need a grace period to relax your sex crazy mind and you always find yourself back to having crazy sex womens minds are a powerful thing and sometimes they need to re-organize lol Tara Tavish Cole
:))
I think that it is normal to reduce sex marathons:)) along the years:))and in my opinion it is not a LBD but human syndrome.
Feeling guilty
this topic is crazy..I hate feeling guilty but I am...Well to begin with after almost 4 years of living together and 6 of being together.. I find that I am the one to blame for us having LBD... Yes like everyone here we started off crazy (to the max of our sex drive).....and it stayed like that for good 2 years of our relationship and then it all started to go down hill from there..........slowly but now to the point of having sex once or twice a month(sometimes not even full on sex)...not too bad i guess....the bad part is having sex because of being horny and not because we need that conection. I love her very much and she means alot to me....I cant see myself without her.....but I think that at this point in my life..I want to explore and want to have sex with other girls without commitment. Ive been with my gf since i was 15 almost 16 and shes been my first and last so far. I think im to the point where ive come to the conclution that i dont wanna lose her but i want to know what its like to be with someone else other than her...weve talked about it and i have asked for a break but she says shes ok with me going off and having sex with whoever i want as long as i come back to her. But i havent done anything because i feel guilty and even though i try to convince myself that its not cheating, i dont think i can go through with it. :/
oyy you want to have sex
oyy
you want to have sex with other people, because you have no experience with other people, and yet you haven't because you fear it's cheating? You have FULL permission.
Is it possible, you are afraid of moving on? Is it possible, that you actually fear of loving someone else, and leaving her? Which would mean you doubt your love and connection.
It'd obvious she is your best friend, and at this point more of a best friend then a lover.
You have choices...
trial separation...you wouldn't even need to sleep with other people...but change you environment, don't hang out...do different things, hang out in not the same places or with the same people. Go off and explore a different social areas from one another. Disrupt that BFF pattern.
Be single for a few months. Live on your own. And if that does not spark the sex drive and have you reconnecting, at least you started a new social connection and realize that you have a wonderful best friend.
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
2 years and going strong
i have lots of gay friends, and lots of straight friends.
but i never heard of LBD
however a lot of the girls i kno that are with men say they RARELY ever have sex. main reason is because they are too tired/dont have time (kids)
ive been with my girlfriend for two years now, the sex was HOT then, and the sex is HOT now.
i dont see her nearly as much as before so now im just limited to weekends since shes in a different city and all.
but im positive if she moved back and saw each other every day we'd still be doing it everyday.
i dont really kno what the secret is.... i just love having sex?im still very attracted to her? i love her? lol i dont kno gals goodluck!
near and dear
this topic is something that ive asked myself since i was 16.
why does the passion fizzle?
i mean really. Ive had friends that answer "well...lust goes away after a while and is replaced with something else."
but im not talking about lust -- im talking about passion!
that thing that makes the blood in your veins boil at the mere thought of being with your partner. Its the thing you think about as your run on the treadmill, and the moments you replay over and over in your head until you can get more.
maybe im too passionate, but personally -- i dont believe in LBD. Rather, i dont believe that its just "something that happens." I think that if your partner is no longer interested in fucking you, or vice-versa, then you've pretty much just become best friends -- and no matter how much you may truly love eachother, its time to move on and find someone who will forever want you in every sense of the word.
http://www.epiphanots.com
karmen.
In my opinion there can be
In my opinion there can be numerous reason to why we fall into "LBD;" but there is only one answer to "WHY" it happens.
The answer to "WHY" is just "because." Rather it's because we let the relationship fizzle or just get lazy and settle to fast. Everyone powers their own outcome to the relationship. It's how you see your relationship, in other words it's the perception. If someone were to ask me if the glass is half full or half empty? I would simply say "it depends on if you're pouring or drinking." Both partners have to be on the same page in order for a relationship to work. It's not what you want; but what you have. I feel a since of relief knowing that my partner and I both are complete within one another. Her and I work and live together; yet I can't seem to get enough spending time with her. LBD...heck yeah. I'll take it; just as long as she's in it with me. : p
Had LBD in most of my relationships
I like the comment that spoke of being concerned with the mechanics of life rather than the actual living of life. I too have excised "U-Haul" from my relationship vocabulary and have also excised LBD as well. I won't go through that again. Most of my relationships were with women who had been in LTR with men or married and used sex as a bargaining chip to get what they wanted and withheld sex when they thought necessary. I'm hoping that I can weed this out in the early stages. Sex or making love is an activity to be enjoyed, not some chore to be performed.
And it is true that women with differing sex drives can be paired up, with the women with the lowest sex drive controlling the frequency of sex.
Also, I have found women with intimacy issues will have sex but don't know how to make love or be intimate with another, which can also lead to LBD.
I never had affairs and LBD was not the only reason why I chose to end my relationships.
I hope to avoid both U-Hauls and LBD and choose more compatible women in the future!
I'm really curious to know...
if you are immune to LBD when you're young (I'm 19)...
My girlfriend and I are about to hit the 2 year mark and we still have incredibly hot sex, at any time and in just about any place... i.e. the library, my dorm room, an empty classroom in the science center... and that was just yesterday...
anyway, back to my point... I wonder if this is something that we're avoiding just because we're young and we might run into the horror that must be LBD later in the relationship?
opinions?
Age
I don`t think is because you are young, i`m 30 and i found that make love to a woman it`s just.... i can`t find the words. It`s awsome!!! No matter if you`re 19 or not, it helps but when you`re much older its much better, have new tricks, new positions, new strategies. You feel more complete been with that someone that you love.
no
no, i'm 20. (check comment below)
All about love...
I`ve been wtih my girl for almost 6 years, maybe is love or maybe is because we don't live together but our sex life is the best. In a break up i was with other girl and it was amazing but it doesn`t compare with the one i love. i just can`t get my hands off of her. And everytime we made love is like the first time. Maybe is all because she was my first, i don`t know.
hey...
I love your pic.!
Do you realize that the blogger
took a pic of me without notice, Noemir? and also, its not even my Sexy side :(
Squirrel Girl
Squirrel on crack '08
well...
the girl that is down us right now..she thinks you are cute!!! And the blogger is talking about your good qualities like you are immune to LBD or something...anyhow I prefer your tan pic ;)
But the point here is that I love Mafalda's pic.. Because I'm Libertad and I hate you because you make me talk or write...
(actually I lovehate you)
And the champagne that I'm drinking is good!! !Cheers everybody!!!!
And also I think that if Mafalda and Libertad were together they will never have LBD!
ps: you can be susanita!
Sorry to tell you....
But you are an anime, you cant fall for a cartoon. Now go back to the Banned Room
Squirrel on crack '08
Squirrely... :(
Mafalda is gone....
toy tizte '08
nop she cant!
Hey Mafalda come backkkkkkkkkkkkkk...dont leave us we are your fans!
Squirrel on crack '08
"Tom is talented. Tom is tender... Tom is beautiful... Tom is a mystery. Tom is not a nobody. Tom has secrets he doesn't want to tell me, and I wish he would."
...
thats a cute squirrel
bed death happens to everyone
as a bisexual lady, i gotta say this DEFINITELY happens in heterosexual relationships. it just seems to be more openly discussed by lesbians. i wonder why?
thanks...
for fessing up. hate it when lezbians are blamed for low sex drive!
Body's out of sync
equate to souls being out of sync. Entire selves shift and all of a sudden personal principles, ideologies, intellectual passions...and yes, even physical bodies also shift. If one or both partners find themselves in transition or changed then it's easy to see how that would manifest in the frequency with which one fucks.
And well, if one wants to fix that then it's entirely possible.
If not, then it's clearly time to move on--which is always a valid option.
It happens in all kinds of couples, not just lesbians! Why does it seem to be more frequent in lesbians???
I'll let someone else try out cooky-theories.
I Am
I am in my first real relationship with a woman, and I am right smack dab in the middle of (what I now know is) LBD. Sex used to be like a 3-4 times a day thing for my girlfriend and I, and all of a sudden, 5 or 6 months into it, things just stopped. I had never heard of LBD before, but I was doing research on lesbian relationships and came across an article about it, and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. That was it!
So, now I have an excuse whenever I just don't feel like it.
"It's lesbian bed death honey, we're normal, I'm tired."
Wait - you've been with her
Wait - you've been with her for 5-6 months and now 3-4 times a day is dwindled down to how often? And when was the last time? because if you've said 3 days ago - that's not LBD.
Women who normally notice that they don't have ANY for months, is what LBD is. It normally doesn't just stop like that - it dwindles and then you notice that it becomes nill after months of very little.
Are you even initiating?
if things just stopped, because she was the one who normally initiated sex, and if you're initiating, but with little luck - it's time for a talk. Just because the sex isn't there, does not mean that connection doesn't need to take place or affirmed - it means, you need to discuss this new era with her.
And trust me, if you want sex to keep rockin' - you have to work on it..spend time a part (it's sooooooooo beneficial, and makes reconnection sex GREAT!). it's good to experience differn things to keep bringing newness into the relationship....but please, sometimes, people revert to newness as bringing drama of other people and jealousy and stuff to keep it alive...WRONG...so WRONG - it's the quickest way to end a relationship.
good luck, ...and LDB does not have to be, unless you don't mind it...
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
thanks!
you know, i decided to re-visit this article and noticed someone said something else, something beneficial!
no, no, no, we've been together about a year and a half (actually a year and 4 months - we still celebrate our anniversarry monthly, lol) but the sex dwindled about 5-6 months into it. but maybe you are right, we do still have sex SOMETIMES, just not as often as before. we try and do new things, but it always ends up being the same thing at the end.
anyway, i've run out of things to try. any suggestions?
well, thanks for the advice! always appreciated.
lmao, so casual..."It's
lmao, so casual..."It's juuust lesbian bed death, no biggie. Goodnight sweetie." ...hahah
LBD
...I hear there is an inoculation for it. Its called break-up.
oooohhhhh ... i'm so cynical!!!!
Maybe...
Lesbians fall for their friends and start off all hot and sweaty having sex but then realize the love is more of an intense best friend love than a 'you're my totally hott gf and I wanna jump your bones' kind of love.
or
Lesbians, due to lack of options, sometimes hook up with people really quickly without taking the time to see if they're truly compatible with the person.
or
For some people sex isn't everything so LBD isn't much of an issue. When it happens, great! When it doesn't... they garden or eat tofu or play with the dog.... Yea?
We decided to be lovers throughout our relationship.
My beloved and I have worked through the cycle that you mentioned a couple of times (8mos, 4years, 7 years).
I think we fell into the trap initially by trying too hard to have the "lover/best friend" combo. It got confusing. We worked so hard at being friends that we forgot to be lovers. The second time we were so busy trying to make a life (get our careers in place, buy the house etc) that we forgot to live it. I think the last time we just got biologically out of sync. (Can we talk about peri-menopause in a lesbian household?!)
The key for us was first to recognize LBD before one or the other of us went outside of our relationship for sexual satisfaction and then to decide that we were going to be mindful about remaining lovers throughout our relationship. Sex is important to us so we had to order our life with that as a priority.
That's meant attending to the things that help keep sex in our routine everyday life. We have rituals like "Naked Food Night" - Thai is our favorite; or something we call "Lesbian Sunday"- no getting out of bed until after 11 AM and no visitors, phone or computers until after 2 PM. We might not actually have sex during every one of these rituals (though the odds are very good that we will) but the time together pretty much insures that we don't let the mundane things of our life always have center stage. That helps us remember that we are not only partners and friends but lovers as well.
There are other rituals like that - they have been things that we can count on and call on when we need to re-ignite the lovers in our relationship.
It is not always easy but it can be done.
V
What a fascinating
What a fascinating subject!
I've been with my wife 3 years.
I was moved in within 3 months, engaged in 6 and married ia year. Personally i'd never been in a relationship that moved so quickly so I can't say its my pattern lesbian behaviour. I think things move quicker with two women because basically, we talk! We're honest and able to discuss feelings and get to the point. LBD is not a major issue, less sex than the beginning but the relationship is now so much more than that. A close cuddle can be amazing!
Sorry, can't be much help
The word U-Haul has been stricken from my vocabulary.
Minnnie
You kill me!!!! LOL LBD is the #1 cause of my Shane behaviour.....N!k
Sorry, can't be of much help
Minniesota once again you made me laugh out loud...made a profile just to thank you! Keep up the good work!!!
LMAO!!!!
LAKE
BETTE:"Can you imagine...Can you imagine that act
of looking and seeing and reseeing just to
get to the truth of someone."
"The 5 Year Disease"
I have what my beloved friends call the "5 Year Disease".
I can only stand someone for 5 years, then I'm done.
I think the fist 6 months of any relationship is so new and exciting that you lose your mind and forget how much work needs to go into the actual relationship. Then 5 years later your sitting on the couch eating cheetos and watching a basketball game, thinking I could be having sex, but it's too much work.
I will be anxiously awaiting for the anwers!
LAKE
BETTE:"Can you imagine...Can you imagine that act
of looking and seeing and reseeing just to
get to the truth of someone."