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Avoiding the Big O
April 24, 2008 - 9:24am — Gloria Bigelow
“Sorry. I have to cancel. We’re going rock climbing.”
“Oooo kaaayy!?!” I said somewhat reluctantly, trying not to sound like too much of an asshole. “Have a good time!”
I hung up the phone, confused, shocked and maybe a tad bit vexed.
This was the third, count it, third cancellation in a week. This, from my friend of over 10 years. This, from the friend whose morning phone calls I used to be able to set my clocks by. This, from the woman that use to chant “Bros before Hos, Bros before Hos” after one too many shots of tequila. She was canceling on me again and to go “rock climbing?”! She hates rocks. Besides, where the hell is she gonna fine some urine-free rocks to climb in New York City?
Then it all began to fit together like a sorted, but somehow very familiar, little puzzle:
The “no shows.”
The almost forgivable, if it weren’t so constant, “Can we take a rain check?”
The “Oh shit, that was today?”
The "Last time I saw her, she was wearing someone else’s clothes, running late and mumbling somethin’ about 'We only drink silver label Patron.'"
That’s when it hit me. I was being knocked upside the head with the “Big O." Oh no, not that “Big O.” That’s a big wonderful “O,” and it’s not something that you get knocked upside the head with — not if it’s being done right — then again, who am I to judge?
I’m talking about the “O” that comes when the "I" becomes "We" and the "Me" becomes "We" and the "You" becomes "you two" — feel me?
It’s the “BIG O.”
The “O” my goodness, I don’t even recognize my friend!
The “O” my gracious, I really haven’t seen my friend!
The “O” my great stars, do I still have a friend?
Or “O” my goodness, is she blowing me off, again?
Or “O” my great stars, since when in the 10 years have I known you have you started wearing pink and yellow polka dots and dressing like Homey D. Clown?
The “O” that means that two very reasonable, highly intelligent, fun loving, witty, separate but equal people have become one big blob of "we," and excuses are given when wearing someone else’s clothing.
I used to be a part of an “O.” I’d like to think that we were a fun-filled, fantastical kind of charming “O,” but decorate it and paint it up as you like, we were just one big mesh of an “O.” We did everything together. We bled with each other, answered for each other, began to love and hate all of the same things and wore each other’s clothing — ill-fitting as it may have been. We were so rolled up in each other that we were a kind of lesbian freak show.
Ladies and gents, step right up and witness the merger of two separate bodies into one mind. It’s the “O” show.
It was warm and fuzzy and comforting and safe and engaging and intoxicating and precious… until? Weeks or months, years or decades later you’ve lost yourself and contact with most of the outside world.
I woke up one day and didn’t at all recognize the femme in boy's clothing — I’ve spent the past year excavating and extracting — trying desperately to get back to myself and asking myself questions like, “Okay, do you really like cargo pants or were they something that was just cute on her that you adopted so that you could hold both of y’all's lip-glosses, wallets and Metro cards and keys?”
And I think that "Rain Checks" actually have to do with inclement weather and not the scent of a new woman.
“Oooo kaaayy!?!” I said somewhat reluctantly, trying not to sound like too much of an asshole. “Have a good time!”
I hung up the phone, confused, shocked and maybe a tad bit vexed.
This was the third, count it, third cancellation in a week. This, from my friend of over 10 years. This, from the friend whose morning phone calls I used to be able to set my clocks by. This, from the woman that use to chant “Bros before Hos, Bros before Hos” after one too many shots of tequila. She was canceling on me again and to go “rock climbing?”! She hates rocks. Besides, where the hell is she gonna fine some urine-free rocks to climb in New York City?
Then it all began to fit together like a sorted, but somehow very familiar, little puzzle:
The “no shows.”
The almost forgivable, if it weren’t so constant, “Can we take a rain check?”
The “Oh shit, that was today?”
The "Last time I saw her, she was wearing someone else’s clothes, running late and mumbling somethin’ about 'We only drink silver label Patron.'"
That’s when it hit me. I was being knocked upside the head with the “Big O." Oh no, not that “Big O.” That’s a big wonderful “O,” and it’s not something that you get knocked upside the head with — not if it’s being done right — then again, who am I to judge?
I’m talking about the “O” that comes when the "I" becomes "We" and the "Me" becomes "We" and the "You" becomes "you two" — feel me?
It’s the “BIG O.”
The “O” my goodness, I don’t even recognize my friend!
The “O” my gracious, I really haven’t seen my friend!
The “O” my great stars, do I still have a friend?
Or “O” my goodness, is she blowing me off, again?
Or “O” my great stars, since when in the 10 years have I known you have you started wearing pink and yellow polka dots and dressing like Homey D. Clown?
The “O” that means that two very reasonable, highly intelligent, fun loving, witty, separate but equal people have become one big blob of "we," and excuses are given when wearing someone else’s clothing.
I used to be a part of an “O.” I’d like to think that we were a fun-filled, fantastical kind of charming “O,” but decorate it and paint it up as you like, we were just one big mesh of an “O.” We did everything together. We bled with each other, answered for each other, began to love and hate all of the same things and wore each other’s clothing — ill-fitting as it may have been. We were so rolled up in each other that we were a kind of lesbian freak show.
Ladies and gents, step right up and witness the merger of two separate bodies into one mind. It’s the “O” show.
It was warm and fuzzy and comforting and safe and engaging and intoxicating and precious… until? Weeks or months, years or decades later you’ve lost yourself and contact with most of the outside world.
I woke up one day and didn’t at all recognize the femme in boy's clothing — I’ve spent the past year excavating and extracting — trying desperately to get back to myself and asking myself questions like, “Okay, do you really like cargo pants or were they something that was just cute on her that you adopted so that you could hold both of y’all's lip-glosses, wallets and Metro cards and keys?”
And I think that "Rain Checks" actually have to do with inclement weather and not the scent of a new woman.
- Gloria Bigelow's blog
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38 Comments
...sounds familiar
dejavu isn't this how every homo relationship is? my last relationship was just like this. especially in the clothing department. now i get " wow youre looking very heterosexual" WHAT? "its just a dress." i was wearing long sleeved shirts under short sleeved shirts at the end of my relationship. i think its something about matching... we all seem to do it. every lesbian couple i know look very similar or at least on sundays they do.
R.A.D.D
This must be the rason I have Relationship Attention Defecit Disorder....not wanting to stay long enough to start acting like my g/f!
I do try to include my friends in activities with the new g/f. That way they get all those jealous feelings out of the way so the scratch, claw, & hissing at each other can get over with sooner.
I'm not good at becoming a "We" so I guess that's why I'm single now! LOL
Good article Glo!
I got caught up in that too!
I got caught up in that too! Luckily enough, I still had my friends when the relationship ended. It hurts to think that you could lose yourself in another person so much that you lose sight of everything else that came before the relationship. My true friends stuck with me through it all though... and I'm eternally grateful.
I feel you.
When two women start dressing and even speaking alike, its kinda creepy weird. And forsaking your friends for your new girlfriend is a cardinal sin in the Book of Friendship.
when are we...
Gloria Bigelow
when are we going to write that book, eh? I have some hard and fast rules I'd like to toss in there.
O dear
If my gf and I started wearing each other's clothing we would be the most ridiculous looking pair of dykes you have ever seen.
OMG
I wouldn't even fit in my GF's clothes!
hmmm
I can't see you wearing them anyway boi :)
I Can
I think that spunky paintbrush would add that certain air of savoir faire.
god bless you
too few people know the rules of loyalty to friends.
truly -- bros before hos. even if that ho is as cool as your bros.
http://www.epiphanots.com
karmen.
Crazy
I had a friend that went crazy too. We couldn't go to lunch, exercise or even talk on the phone anymore. I asked her about it and she said that she realized that I might be mad but her husband's feelings get hurt (what about mine?...sniff) when she doesn't spend every free moment with him. And that basically if hanging out causes drama then she just won't do it. If you ask me, I think it is all a manipulation tactic on his part. I really didn't know who she was anymore. I thought we were better than that but that just goes to show...u never know. I haven't decided if I would accept her back...should I?
Loved this entry Gloria..as well as the others..I joined just to read them
the crazy thing is
Gloria Bigelow
that eventually they seem to come around. whether it's at the end of the relationship, or when they need someone to talk to... when ever mine have resurfaced- I always end up taking them back but my feelings are always hurt by the initial dropping, you know.
Oooh, tell it!
I like to think that I've not been the offender but I know that I've lost a couple of good friends to "we-ness". I think it helps if you can avoid thinking about your lover as a kind of one-stop-shopping spot where you get all of your needs met.
The lover/friend/spiritual advisor/financial consultant/running buddy etc. etc. etc. doesn't leave space for anyone else and gets old really quickly.
Another great observation, Glo.
much love,
V
Thanks...love it...I feel you!
I'm definitely still missing my "O". I talk to her most between drama(just LOVE being that sounding board ALL THE TIME) To bad I never seem to have one for myself. Hell I told someone I work with the other day that I have no drama because all my friends and their "others" have it all...just one more thing to talk me out of forevers!
*Sigh* I need a vacation seriously!
We
When I met my girl I had some 'friends' with some complaints. However I only met them a few months before I met her, the only one that had the right to say anything to me was my dear ole college friend, and she understood for the most part because she'd done it before too (we lived together for a year and I never saw her). But I had been hanging out with my 'friends' a lot because they lived nearby and I was bored. That is until I found someone more important to take up my time.
I guess it was good for me to not be a good friend, because they weren't either (actually one of them wasn't, she was crazy the other one was okay). But for some reason sometimes when I meet people they lay claim to me right away. It is kinda strange.
My girl and I are finally getting some separate time, she's going to help her Mom for a week and leave me all alone. We know it will be good though. Even though we spend a lot of time together I don't see us turning into twins... Those who know me though, I don't know I'll have to ask and see if they think we are getting too much alike. But I do use We a lot....
there was no one...
Gloria Bigelow
i feel you...
the thing with my "O" was that we felt like the best of friends too-- i couldn't think of anyone who i'd rather spend my time with- so everyone else became kind of obsolete in a way... fast forward three years- which is really just to long to be up some one's ass without a breather- and i found myself just craving another reflection of myself, someone to reflect back to me the parts of me that were missing in my relationship. .. i needed to be feeding my really girly, girly ways which all kind of fell to the waste side in my relationship. i hope that i can one day find that balance... you know?
I used to be in the big
I used to be in the big O.... sighs..
me and my shadow
I can not stand that shit! They are the same people that say 'love you' every time when speaking on the phone. Gag!
I need space. Lots of it.
tee hee hee
Gloria Bigelow
that made me laugh-
Good blog! And I'll tell you
Good blog!
And I'll tell you another...marriage. One of my best friends from elementary school got married to her high school sweet heart. They dated for like 15 years. Back in high school, I spent more time hanging out with her family, then her - we eventually stopped seeing each other...then we started to hang again...for years - then she got married. And it was like as soon as she got back she said, "I've come to realize to put some things away on a shelf - it's just getting old"
I'm like what the fuck? We had always talked about how important friendships are...and that it's forever - it's the way we are...I guess until one says "I do". But I've realized, it was her boyfriend/ husband...he was always very possessive about people around her. In high school, she gave up another friend of ours because he said so.
Now another buddy of mine is in-love and out of sight. I have not heard from him since before Christmas. And I've never met her. I'm convinced he's afraid to bring her around me, because I'm in to women.
Which is funny, because he use to complain to me all the time about his high school buddies ditching him for their wives and girlfriends. He is doing EXACTLY what he hated...
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
nice to know
Gloria Bigelow
nice to know that it's not just a dyke dilemma though...
don't like the "puttin' " stuff on the shelf thing, that would have hurt my feelings in a big way.
It did hurt. I will always
It did hurt. I will always love Z. We met in elementary school, played softball together for years, played street bball together for years. We hung tight and always goofin' off. We use to stage fake fights. Jump fences into the high school stadium, just so she could do stadiums. I hate running, but I did it cause she she loved it and needed it to practice for track.
It's what I told her when I said my piece to her, that I don't hate her, and will always love her - she said she will always love me too. I don't think it's what she wanted, but possibly was an ultimatum. Her husband is not bad man (an ass at times). He's not physically abusive, but he is territorial. Basically, I'm seen like a guy to him - and a guy that he can't compete against.
Just a question, have you noticed some friends will stop hangin' if you're single, because they want to hang out with, and do, 'couple' things?
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
And that's the reason why....
Im becoming asexual.
Squirrel on crack '08
Me too
Great reasoning...
They'll be back...
When they do, be as forgiving as you will need them to be when it is your turn! I'm just sayin'.....
word...
Gloria Bigelow
for sure-
but honestly, i don't want to do that anymore, i mean i really, really don't. i'm still sorting myself out...
My one best friend who got
My one best friend who got married, had emailed me a few months back - after 3 years of silence. I said my piece to her, and she said the same to me...
I don't hate her, I love her so much - and that is why I had let her move on...
But I'm thinking she doesn't want to move on, since she emailed me again a month or so ago to tell me she's finally pregnant...or could that just be an over happy reaction of wanting to tell the world.
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
also though
Gloria Bigelow
it seems like when people get p.g. they start reflecting on their lives a little bit and sometimes they realize the people that they want in their lives, that's happened to me with two friends and of course I didn't want to miss something like a new life so I checked back in- but hella lowered my expectations- that's the other thing that i think that i'm realizing with all of it-- the expectations are a trip
The only thing about having
The only thing about having to continually lower your expectations as a result of having been hurt by others is that you become distant in your dealings with people.Keeping those friends/new friends at arms lenght so that they really just become aquaintances instead.Something they always seem to chastise you for when you aren't as broken up as they are when their relationships fall apart,again.
On the other hand I can't say that telling them about themselves stops them from dropping you when the next one comes along either.It's like they go into a trance....
You have a point, Gloria. Z
You have a point, Gloria. Z was and has been doing some reflection. I think that's one of the reasons she emailed me from the get go. She sent me, out of the blue, a 'god' email. Normally, I kindly ask the sender to take me off that list, because it's normally sent en mass, with no personalization to it. Ya know, "How are you? How is such and such? What's going on? This is what is going on with me. Check back with you later." This wasn't sent mass mail.
So I emailed her back telling her thank you and told her I loved her and this is what is going on in my life - and I hope all was treating her well. And she informed me she was doing some searching (seeking in church and inner stuff), along with her mom having breast cancer, and her brother having another baby, and taking some classes for her masters.
I did buy her a congratulations card a few weeks ago, and it's still sitting on my desk. I don't want miss out, Gloria - but I'm feeling cautious. I do need to write her a long letter.
I just want to thank you, Gloria, for writing this blog :)
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
I would totally send...
Gloria Bigelow
I would totally send that card. with absolutely no expectation. write the letter and save it. i wouldn't mail it, but I would just get all of the gunk out.
whatchouthink?
I hear you, Glo
OMG, I've seen this "we, we, we" phenomenon over and over. Well, I understand an initial enthusiasm for each other. But when two women start turning into twins, I start rolling my eyes. Ick.
we, we, we
Gloria Bigelow
we we we sound like a whole lot of pee to me. i agree!
You said it!
One of my #1 pet peeves is when coupled people can't answer for themselves anymore. "What do you want for dinner?" "WE want steak and potatoes." "What did you do last weekend?" "WE just stayed in and watched DVDs *giggle*." BLARG! What is wrong with first person singular??? For pete's sake. And that kind of behavior plus disappearing from my life is a one-way ticket to Apologyland With Chocolate after the inevitable breakup and "I miss your friendship sooooo much."
Yeah. I know about this one.
Yeah. I know about this one. I don't think it's a reason to keep away from forevers though.I just don't see why people try to forget themselves by turning into other people through other people.
It's weird how much longer relationships last when you are two separate people at the same time, isn't it? Then there could be the potential of a forever, right? Even though I agree that saying it's going to last forever and not really do anything for it makes it fair to say it's a reason to stay away from *saying* forevers. I think forevers happen, but there are still two separate beings in that equation and time apart is definetely a good thing.
------------
It's a gazelle SILLY!
Yup
I have a friend that became a "we". It all happened over a year ago and recently she's been calling me, leaving me myspace comments, etc. They're still together, I guess she's just over "that" faze and she's ready to see the world again! Makes me scared of relationships, I love who I am, I don't want to lose it and be a "we"! Haha. Loved the blog GB. :-)
first you merge
... then purge.
nice one glo, all the more reason to stay away from forevers.
:)
Very...
Gloria Bigelow
FUNNY Miss Moon- Very funny!