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Baby Got Back
April 18, 2008 - 12:20pm — Katie Liederman
So it's about that time again. The sun is out, it's getting warmer, and I no longer have the luxury of hiding my winter-sized rumpus beneath a roomy parka. No longer can I eat dessert three to six times a day and avoid the gym like the plague. It's time to start flouncing around the city in next to nothing, and this means it's time to start working out like an animal.
The problem is, I fucking hate working out. I'm kind of a closeted bull dyke when it comes to sports (I play them, hard. I also habitually try to pick up WNBA players after Liberty games at Madison Square Garden, but that's another story). However, it's not always so easy to get a pickup game going; be it basketball, softball, volleyball or soccer, people have to "work" during the day. Or whatever. For the past decade or so, I've been on a quest to find the one variety of physical activity that elicits such joy that I forget that I’m working up my heart-rate, sweating like a lumber jack and wishing I was dead.
I said “Okay,” and instantly envisioned Michelle Rodriguez’s chiseled biceps in 2000’s boxing drama, Girlfight. She looked like she enjoyed boxing, kind of. Maybe I could, too. Within seconds, my instructor, Ricky Young, a man who told me he was “this close (index finger and thumb about an inch apart) to becoming the male Oprah,” had me bent over a giant teal ball, doing sit-ups at a crazy pace. Within seconds, I was plotting my escape. Before I could think of an exit strategy, he planted me in front of a giant punching bag. Clad in enormous red gloves, I limply punched the bag for the remainder of our session. It hurt. I’m no wimp, but those bags are DENSE. It was like punching a brick wall, only less pleasant, thanks to aspiring self-help guru Ricky Young (who planned on just going by “Ricky” once famous) because he whispered annoying motivational sayings in my ear all the while. “Failure is the path of least persistence!” he hissed. “You can do it!” and “Beat it!” fled from his lips as I pounded away like a foppish housecat woefully batting a piece of yarn. By the lesson’s close, my hands were throbbing, I had whiplash, “Ricky” had asked me to dinner at the Olive Garden and I still had no muscle definition in my arms. Boxing was not for me.
So I turned to capoeira, because my friend Jane swore that it was “life-changing” — strenuous, sure, but a good time. Capoeira is a type of Brazilian martial art that fuses elements of yoga, dance and gymnastics. Once the key moves are mastered, people take turns sparring in pairs in the center of a circle. There is also music involved that incorporates weird little wooden flutes, chimes and something called a “Berimbau.” I decided to attend an "all levels" class, not knowing that by "all levels," they actually meant "advanced." Knowing nothing about the sport prior to the class, I wore all black. I also had eye-makeup smudged all over my face and was kind of stoned. I arrived a few minutes before class started, chugging coffee and moving like a bloated platypus. I found a room full of agile bodies in freshly starched whites, calmly sipping organic pomegranate juice as they slid effortlessly into full splits. In my baggy black sweatsuit, I tried to follow their warm-up exercises, but wasn't successful. The instructor, "Elastico," looked like a Japanese Keanu Reeves with a highlighted bowl cut. He told the class to think of capoeira “not only as a fast and exciting sport, a fighting dance and self-defense, but also as a game of strategy and survival.”
This sounded promising. A “fighting dance?” A “game” of strategy and survival? Pain or no pain, I was confident that I had met my match. I had unearthed something jazzy and new. Then Elastico came and slammed my chest against the floor as I sat with my legs spread apart in a V-shape. We “danced” a bit, I suppose, and by “dance,” I mean I got kicked in the face twice by a Korean hand model as an ample-breasted Brazilian man stood in the center of the room, furiously shaking his “Berimbau” up and down to no discernable beat. It was, in essence, two-hours of pure hell. Much like boxing, capoiera was also not for me.
But I'm still searching. I'm still open to new things. Any suggestions? I'm determined to whip my ass into shape.
The problem is, I fucking hate working out. I'm kind of a closeted bull dyke when it comes to sports (I play them, hard. I also habitually try to pick up WNBA players after Liberty games at Madison Square Garden, but that's another story). However, it's not always so easy to get a pickup game going; be it basketball, softball, volleyball or soccer, people have to "work" during the day. Or whatever. For the past decade or so, I've been on a quest to find the one variety of physical activity that elicits such joy that I forget that I’m working up my heart-rate, sweating like a lumber jack and wishing I was dead.
When I was in college, I wandered into a private weight room in my school's gym and found a bulldog-eqsue man doing push-ups and grunting. I turned to leave. He said, “Hey! Where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“Want a free private boxing lesson?” he asked.
I said “Okay,” and instantly envisioned Michelle Rodriguez’s chiseled biceps in 2000’s boxing drama, Girlfight. She looked like she enjoyed boxing, kind of. Maybe I could, too. Within seconds, my instructor, Ricky Young, a man who told me he was “this close (index finger and thumb about an inch apart) to becoming the male Oprah,” had me bent over a giant teal ball, doing sit-ups at a crazy pace. Within seconds, I was plotting my escape. Before I could think of an exit strategy, he planted me in front of a giant punching bag. Clad in enormous red gloves, I limply punched the bag for the remainder of our session. It hurt. I’m no wimp, but those bags are DENSE. It was like punching a brick wall, only less pleasant, thanks to aspiring self-help guru Ricky Young (who planned on just going by “Ricky” once famous) because he whispered annoying motivational sayings in my ear all the while. “Failure is the path of least persistence!” he hissed. “You can do it!” and “Beat it!” fled from his lips as I pounded away like a foppish housecat woefully batting a piece of yarn. By the lesson’s close, my hands were throbbing, I had whiplash, “Ricky” had asked me to dinner at the Olive Garden and I still had no muscle definition in my arms. Boxing was not for me.
So I turned to capoeira, because my friend Jane swore that it was “life-changing” — strenuous, sure, but a good time. Capoeira is a type of Brazilian martial art that fuses elements of yoga, dance and gymnastics. Once the key moves are mastered, people take turns sparring in pairs in the center of a circle. There is also music involved that incorporates weird little wooden flutes, chimes and something called a “Berimbau.” I decided to attend an "all levels" class, not knowing that by "all levels," they actually meant "advanced." Knowing nothing about the sport prior to the class, I wore all black. I also had eye-makeup smudged all over my face and was kind of stoned. I arrived a few minutes before class started, chugging coffee and moving like a bloated platypus. I found a room full of agile bodies in freshly starched whites, calmly sipping organic pomegranate juice as they slid effortlessly into full splits. In my baggy black sweatsuit, I tried to follow their warm-up exercises, but wasn't successful. The instructor, "Elastico," looked like a Japanese Keanu Reeves with a highlighted bowl cut. He told the class to think of capoeira “not only as a fast and exciting sport, a fighting dance and self-defense, but also as a game of strategy and survival.”
This sounded promising. A “fighting dance?” A “game” of strategy and survival? Pain or no pain, I was confident that I had met my match. I had unearthed something jazzy and new. Then Elastico came and slammed my chest against the floor as I sat with my legs spread apart in a V-shape. We “danced” a bit, I suppose, and by “dance,” I mean I got kicked in the face twice by a Korean hand model as an ample-breasted Brazilian man stood in the center of the room, furiously shaking his “Berimbau” up and down to no discernable beat. It was, in essence, two-hours of pure hell. Much like boxing, capoiera was also not for me.
But I'm still searching. I'm still open to new things. Any suggestions? I'm determined to whip my ass into shape.
- Katie Liederman's blog
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45 Comments
carmen electra
carmen electra has a few strip tease workout videos. a friend of mine got into them and she said its a real workout. plus you learn some sexy moves in the process. plus you dont have to go out in public and pretend like your in shape like everyone else. i dread that. id rather stay inside were no one is watching to work out.. personally. its worth a try.
try tiddlywinks
try tiddlywinks
hmm...
i think you'd be a total natural in competitive speed dating.
but
i'm a one-woman kind of man!
bike riding..
bike riding, soccer, australian rules football, jogging across sand, swimming, pole dancing, striptease aerobics, tennis, not eating in general and sex are my suggestions. let us know how u go
hmm...
I'm a fluffy mofo...and I kinda like it...but I must say when I have that odd itch to do something physical...I go for ring toss, you can pretty much stand in the same spot the whole time and you really dont have to do much. Also...I'm a fan of badminton...kinda like tennis but not as much running n such...fun for all I say.
Re: badminton
I looooved badminton in high school. It was the only "sport" I was good at. The best athlete in my Phys. Ed. class was this huge Samoan guy, and we used to square off in badminton matches in which I was so dang proud of myself for even being able to hold my own against him. He had power and I had speed. (We did not stand in the same spot though.) We could have been the best crime fighting duo EVER. (So says she who was cut from the softball team during the first round of try outs. Woe to the baby dyke.)
Try This............
Fuck like a rabbit. That will burn some hardcore calories.
Peace.
LOL....
Yep, somehow I can always count on you for "sound" advice...no matter what the subject!!!
If you're anything like me...
you only want to workout when you want to, so joining a class is super lame and a waste of money. The only thing I have managed to attend on a regular basis and maintain my enthusiasm about is softball. But, like you said it's hard to get a pick-up game going and at least where I leave league hasn't yet started. Therefore I would recommend you consider rock climbing. It's a great work out (because you're using your entire body), most gyms open early and stay open late, plus you can take it outside once the weather improves (if you're an outdoors person). Not to mention it's a great place to meet really fit girls.
I hear,
typing really fast and turning your blogs in on time is a great workout.
;)
Grace, you're such a company woman!
Or is it professor? What's the diff? LOL
There's a thin line...
hop on the pole
You should really try pole dancing.
It's super hot, you'll have a great time doing it, and it can be intense cardio.
I swear you'll be sore the first few times.
It's my absolute favorite way to work out..
I NEED a pole in my house. (any sexy lady want to come install one for me? ;)
It's becoming really popular, so I'm sure you can find classes in a big city.
Go watch this girl on YouTube..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msy7TtyAVIc
Seriously Katie, let me know how you do.
xo.
oh baby
re: your response entitled "hop on the pole"-- i'm always on the pole.
just kidding.
I checked it out, Krarstie
You're right, it's hot to watch! Wow, that's some serious real-world strength too, which ya never know when that could come in handy trying to save yourself, or someone else. Right on. :) Peace, Jodie
P.S. OMG, Fergie is so fuggin HOT, and I just love her music! :)
kickball
kickball
Laptops N Treadmills
There are now treadmills made with a laptop desk on them! Yes, you can blog away and work out at the same time! I can't wait for the WNBA season to start in May! I'm gonna need your play by play tips on picking up WNBA players!
Back when I was in shape
(100 years ago), this was my routine:
......... ....Mon........Tues...... ..Wed.......Thurs.... ...Fri.. .....Sat
midday.. RBall......Weights.....Rball.....Weights.....Rball.....Weights
evening. Weights....Karate......Weights...Karate.....Weights,Karate,Bike
Biking walking any time I had to go anywhere in the neighborhood. Swimmming any time I could get a private pool (I don't do public piss pools).
This worked out to about 14 hours a week. I was in the best shape of my life. Memories...
Ever tried jump rope?
(Fantastic to read, as usual.) Several years ago, when I was in what I call my full-on rock star "Sporty Spice" phase, I was introduced to jump rope by my kick boxing trainer, Dana. (He was AMAZING, on all levels!) When he told me that if I could just start out at a easy/gentle pace (PROPER FORM is everything with fitness, being in control of your breathing, and don't forget proper shoes!) for 2 minutes, I would be doing really good. Well, he was right, cuz even just 2 minutes to start you won't believe what a workout it is. IMPORTANT NOTE: It is not required or even suggested to try and jump high at all, just enough for the rope to clear your feet is fine. Re: Sporty Spice, I shit you not I was up to 45 min - 1 hour a day (with 10 min warm-up, 10 min ease-down) and I would be dripping wet when I was finished, no matter the weather. It works your entire body (PROPER FORM) and you cannot maintain any stress you had, or bad mood, during and after. I always worked out to Disco, but to each their own, whatever lifts your spirits and inspires you. I'm just starting back again (got a little soft in the 5 year relationship I just moved out of) and am approaching it the exact same way, easing into it and increasing the time in small increments over the weeks. I don't know what you're surroundings offer as far as space, I have a home with a patio in the backyard, but all you need is room for the rope to make it over your head and enough room in front of you for the rope to clear. If you only jumped rope (works your largest muscles, the legs) and ate reasonably well, you would be amazed at the shape you would get in, I'm totally serious. So, there ya go. :) Peace, Jodie
Dancing. Not just any type
Dancing. Not just any type of dancing but find youself a really good salsa class. Maybe the fact that am Cuban makes me a little biased but have you seen the body of the average hispanic woman. salsa dancing is great for getting and staying in shape plus its fun.
Welll I like to swim a lot.
Welll I like to swim a lot. Run on the beach is probably the hardest work out but the best.
Sex is a good workout. I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that one.
Keep it simple
I'm a big girl who has struggled with weight and a big booty all my life. I've really gotten into working out the past 8 months and I'm getting healthier and toned. The ones I find to be pleaseing and helpfull are::
1. Swimming
2. Softball
3. Bike riding
4. Balance Ball (the big thing you did sit ups on)
They're all pretty simple work outs but they burn a lot and tone you. You can use the ball for so many things, my favorite is push ups and crunches. Riding a bike can really work on your legs and booty. When I have the time, I try to do about 4 miles a day. Swimming is fantastic because the water gives resistance and the human body can move in so many interesting ways. And of course softball. Its fun. Its basic. And hitting really works your sides.
Good Luck!
...sam...
Tennis!
Tennis is the only work-out i can partake in that i find enjoying. it's so much fun! you should check it out.
Lift free weights, hike the
Lift free weights, hike the hills and bike. You do not have to be overly graceful or a fashionista!
Just be careful with the hills...
I almost fell off a mountain once - but it was a real workout. Terror burns calories like nobody's business. Yeah, and fear too.
wiii
Get a wii :)
Love Them
My sister got me one for xmas and I just love it! I am a bowling, golf and tennis pro, thank you very much! They are coming out with Wii Fit in May. It has like a stepper you step on and do all sorts of exercises on. Check it out
Blogging isn't an activity? :-( I thought you can burn like 400 calories and hour doing that. :-D
--==--==--
I've Woken Now To Find Myself In The Shadows Of All I Have Created
the only workout that elicits joy...
for me is sex. lots of it.
long boarding. just get a
long boarding. just get a sector nine off of craigslist, assuming you know how to skateboard. then you can push with your left leg and then switch to push with your right. you go fast, have fun and tone your glutes. what is not to love?
i concur.
grab a skate and give'r a go. bombing down hills, starting out mellow and working your way up incrementally, will give you the kind of rush that won't even make you realize you're exercising. if you're clumsy/safety conscious, wear a helmet. and some big, soft wheels are good if you've never skated before.
amen. what kind of board do
amen.
what kind of board do you ride?
big fan of
my landyachtz. it's a canadian longboard company and they make all kinds of decks and shapes. mine's kind of old-skool shaped with a kicktail and some fat trucks and wheels. ahhh, i'm imagining it all now...
since it was my first board,
since it was my first board, i just got a sector nine. i am looking to get a loaded deck and use my current trucks. fun times.
Amen
Whyyyyyyy can't we be made where we naturally stay in shape no matter what we eat? I'm with ya on this subject K. I had to work out so much in my athlete days that now I'm over it. I tried a "Yoga for Beginners" dvd the other day.....all that it did was remind me that I'm the least flexible person in the world AND the next day I couldn't walk. Eating right is not really an option.... As an American, I feel that it is wrong to eat right... haha! Gooooo processed foods! Woohoo! Oh well, I hope I get motivated because summer has practically arrived and I've already bought a Victoria's Secret swimsuit!
Give capoeira another chance? :o)
Katie, your blog was hilarious! And I was thrilled to see you mention capoeira. But would you consider giving it another chance? It's such a great outlet and an amazing work-out.
Our class is totally beginner and queer-friendly, minus the machismo factor (ie: we won't kick you in the face your first time) and the best part is lots of cute girls in tight white pants (lol).
But seriously, our group here in NYC is mostly comprised of friendly but kick-ass women including the instructors who hold the berimbaus :o)...feel free to visit my profile if you're interested or check out our website at: www.capoeirabrasilnyc.com.
Yours in sport,
Capoeira Girl
Swimming?
Katie, one of my cousins is a triathlete and she puts me to shame. Anyway, how about swimming? You can get in shape and not get bruised.
Hey, your rumpus looked fine to me at the Dinah.
Bless you for those WNBA New York Liberty greats! I love women's basketball, college and pro. Tall girls in basketball shorts, sigh.
Pick up Soccer
I live in the city too. I hate running with a passion and I paid for a Y membership last year because I convinced myself that running in an air conditioned room is better than running outside. Needless to say I don't go to the Y anymore. The one thing that works though are pick up games for me, soccer that is, so I'd say give it another chance! It's not so bad. You say you used to run along the east river(FDR Drive, right?) so run on down to 6th street around 5:30. I know the whole work thing is an issue but you wouldn't want to be running up and down a field at midday anyway! So it's perfect after work when the sun's going down and the air is cooler. There are lights there so you can stay later and what I love about this group is that they actually play for fun and they don't mind if you aren't as good as them..trust me..THAT"S RARE. So don't worry if you suck. It would be good to see more girls there. Plus, if you get there a little early there is a track to run on while you wait and one of those exercise stations too. It's good fun. Think about it and bring your friends. We can smoke a bowl and kick around! You'll have a toned body (minus the upper ... you'll have to work on that on your own) in no time!
LMAO
I cannot believe you wore black clothes and eye makeup to attend to capoeira class... it is hilarious. I would love to see your instructor's face when he saw you...LMAO
Had you try PILATES???
I second that
emotion: bike. More specifically, fixed gear bike. BTW do you really try to pick up closeted WNBA players after games? Rly Katie? Rly?
Hahaha...
Join a Dodgeball league... it is fun. And yes, I am being serious.
OMG
Yes! Dodge ball is the ultimate fun sport. Even just throwing one of those soft squishy dodge balls back and forth with one other person is hilarious and a good workout. Usually if I'm at the Y with a friend, we'll go into a racquetball court and try to whip the ball at each other’s face and crotch at close range... good times. Most YMCAs have a dodge ball league though. Ultimate Frisbee is another good one.
bike
bike
"chugging coffee and moving
"chugging coffee and moving like a bloated platypus"
thanks for another hilarious blog!
have u tried sex?
supposedly it burns more calories than moderate jogging.
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde