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Bathroom Etiquette
October 11, 2007 - 2:03pm — Diana Cage
Back in June, right around Pride time, a handsome butch named Khadijah Farmer got booted from the women's bathroom in a Manhattan restaurant called Caliente Cab Company.
(Photo from the New York Times)
In the West Village no less! The bouncer came in and demanded she leave, she offered her I.D. to prove she was female, but he ignored her, forced her and her friends to pay up, and told them all to leave. She later contacted the restaurant and described the encounter. They refused to apologize or train their employees about discrimination. Nope! They offered her a free meal instead!
I'm a femme who dates butches; this story is a constant in my life. When I'm in public with my partner I usually check the women's restroom to make sure it's empty before she goes in to pee. And I've had to do this with practically everyone I've ever dated. My former lovers have all been kicked out of bathrooms, glared at in women's dressing rooms, freaked out old ladies in the lingerie department, and generally treated like a freak in every store they enter.
Well this time Khadijah is suing. And I'm thrilled. All she wants is a safe space for people whose gender might appear to be different from their biological sex. This case is based in sexual discrimination - women are supposed to wear dresses and be pretty. This is the same shit that went down with my partner at work recently. I'm fed up.
Khadijah was on the Today Show today (click here for the video). I'm happy to see mainstream television paying attention to a queer issue. This is happening at the right time. ENDA is on the tips of everyone's tongue. Even Joe Solmonese finally came around. The times they are a changing.
(You can view the text of Khadijah's complaint here.)
In the West Village no less! The bouncer came in and demanded she leave, she offered her I.D. to prove she was female, but he ignored her, forced her and her friends to pay up, and told them all to leave. She later contacted the restaurant and described the encounter. They refused to apologize or train their employees about discrimination. Nope! They offered her a free meal instead!
I'm a femme who dates butches; this story is a constant in my life. When I'm in public with my partner I usually check the women's restroom to make sure it's empty before she goes in to pee. And I've had to do this with practically everyone I've ever dated. My former lovers have all been kicked out of bathrooms, glared at in women's dressing rooms, freaked out old ladies in the lingerie department, and generally treated like a freak in every store they enter.
Well this time Khadijah is suing. And I'm thrilled. All she wants is a safe space for people whose gender might appear to be different from their biological sex. This case is based in sexual discrimination - women are supposed to wear dresses and be pretty. This is the same shit that went down with my partner at work recently. I'm fed up.
Khadijah was on the Today Show today (click here for the video). I'm happy to see mainstream television paying attention to a queer issue. This is happening at the right time. ENDA is on the tips of everyone's tongue. Even Joe Solmonese finally came around. The times they are a changing.
(You can view the text of Khadijah's complaint here.)
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21 Comments
So Excited
I was so excited when I found that the new Target they built a couple of miles away from our shop has a nice roomy gender-neutral bathroom.
Something as simple as using public restrooms is always stressful for me. I avoid them as much as I can. It gets really annoying to get the hairy eyeball EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I think Khadijah Farmer should sue the pants off of the Caliente Cab Co.. Not for her to make a buck, but to prove to people that we will not be silent anymore.
-R
I get kicked out from women's bathrooms, too
... But everytime some woman comes up to me and points out it's a ladies room, I simply reply "It's good to know you're able to read, too."
Most of the time I just avoid public restrooms, sometimes I just avoid the ladies room and go to the men's room...
___________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." (Dr. Seuss)
NEVER GOING TO STOP US!!
First off that bouncer was'nt being professional. Second he should'nt of went into the womans bathroom in the first place he should of either waited til she came out or sent in another woman to check out the situation. I understand how it is to be discriminated I get it all the time myself. I be damned if I'm going to change who I am to please this messed up world. I love the way I look and am comfortable with who I am. Its sad when pple have so much fear in them that they react in a negative way.
Khadijah's interview
Hey you guys did you listen to Khadijah's interview last night on Diana's talk show? She and her attorney talked about the whole deal and a previous interview they were tricked into doing. It was actually a set up to mock masculine looking women.Khadijah is a very articulate young woman and I give her that. She in no way perpetuates that stereotypical illiterate, uneducated dyke myth. She delivers the message very well and I'm sure it will be recieved by a wider audience because of it.
You go girl!
One courageous butch
I have been subject to the "bathroom police" many many times, though never kicked out like Khadija Farmer. When people say "excuse me sir, that's the ladies bathroom" wtf, do they think I can't read?
It's a pain in the butt, and I hope her suit brings some changes. We really should have unisex bathrooms. Just do away with the stupid urinals and have all stalls. Of course unisex bathrooms would crimp the style of the Larry Craigs of the world LOL.
One note to all you youngsters, as I get older the gender hassles get more frequent, although ironically, they are less intense, since people don't care as much (you aren't seen as sexy). I think that as people age their gender expression tends to become less divergent; older men and women look more alike.
damn straight. supporting
damn straight. supporting her case all the way.
no one should have to feel penalised just for going to the fecking bathroom- its just ridiculous.
I AGREE
YOU SUE THEM BITCHEZ!!!HOW DARE THEY TELL U U CANT USE THE LADIES ROOM.. U HAVE A VAGINA LIKE EVREY OTHER WOMEN SO HOW THE HELL DOES HE EXPECT U TO PEE STANDING UP LOL...
Muah z xoxoxoxox
Props to Ms. Farmer and thanks for the story
I get the stares and have been verbally accosted on more than one occasion by other women for being in the women's restroom...it blows.
Unfortunate that people need to sue to get a little justice, but clearly, some folks just don't get the whole equality concept.
Peace.
I find this very interesting
There was an incident were I live at maybe a year or so ago where a woman was assaulted in the bathroom out our theatre here. I think women should be careful in public period because they never know what one is thnking about their stride...Thats why I dont usually go alone, I at least have my ladi outside waiting for me but anyways... I am very proud of this African American Lesbian for even speaking up and holding her ground...
It is absolutly insulting for them to not have even listened to her or view her ID...and made them pay!!PLEASE
KUDOS to Miss Khadijah Farmer...she handled herself appropriatly when calling and since nothing was done. SHE MUST take the next step. Its only RIGHT!!!
LGBT population has been dealing with issues like these for too long to let this go.
I am impressed
I am totally impressed with the eloquence of this young woman. She is just the type of spokesperson we need on such issues. I think she has the right voice to be heard.
There's a thin line...
Plain Wrong
I'm in complete agreement here. This kind of discrimination is horrible. I"ve personally had to deal with is , so I know exactly where she is comming from. And sometimes sueing is the only way get the point across. Why should any of us be discriminated against espically for something as simple as a restroom isue. Now thats just plain wrong.
discrimination in bathrooms very common
Hello,
I'm from mexico city and you know, here , we're way back on the issues of discrimination and LGBT rights. A few months ago I was in a cinema, and I went to use the restroom, but I was blocked by one employee stating that I couldn't enter because there were men in the restroom, men dressed as women... I said I didn't care and I entered anyway, inside there were a group of transexuals, doing nothing out of the ordinary, however you could notice, mainly because of the clothes, they were dressing with very short skirts and tops and heavy makeup, not usual for ladies just going to the cinema. It seems the employee tried to block them from entering but they passed anyway so they tried to block the other women from getting in. The sad thing is that I overheard and angry mom telling her husband that how did they dare to enter a ladies room with little girls in there as if them being trans meant they were a threat. I was outraged by the whole situation.
I'm not big on the sueing
I'm not big on the sueing wagon, but this is one of those instances that help make changes -- it's not about money, but it's about making changes on the greater scale.
I understand the need to have safety in bathrooms. People should speak when they see a male walk in (not have a cow), normally there's an easy explanation. What still pisses me off in this situation, is after she showed ID to prove she is indeed female -- the bouncer ignored it.
Discrimination in the heart of the Village? Why? It's like the LGBT haven epicenter.
And you should be tired and pissed by now, Diana -- but kudos to you for standing next to your butch like you do!
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
I don't get it
"I understand the need to have safety in bathrooms. People should speak when they see a male walk in."
Why?
Seriously, does it really matter when men use the women's bathroom? I cannot believe anyone would think men entering women's bathrooms is unsafe.
I have been reading this story and the comments in total amazement. Is this a cultural thing, I mean an American thing? Overhere in Europe no one seems to be too bothered about who uses which bathroom. We also have quite a few uni-sex bathrooms. I use the men's bathroom all the time (because there's no queue).
Actually depending where you
Actually depending where you are, it can be. Sometimes guys walk in by accident -- but some women have been assulted in a bathroom from a man who walked in and waited till a woman was alone. Personally, I don't have a problem with unisexed bathrooms -- or a male using a woman's bathroom.
In fact, when my son and I were at the airport early in the summer, he had to go so bad down in the luggage pick-up area, and the men's room was closed for clean-up. There was a line of about 15 men waiting, including my then 13 year old son. I came up with our coffees and his luggage, 'cuz he was taking way too long. He refused to use the women's, even though I told him it was ok and I'd go in with him, which was right next to the men's. He and the rest of the men stood there for a good 30-45 minutes waiting for them to finish.
That's how seperate the bathrooms are here.
If that would have been me, I'd go in the men's or find another bathroom.
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
Well i think its just plain
Well i think its just plain stupid.
I cant tell you how many times ive taken my gay male friends into the womens restroom with me and as soon as they walk in or start talking and everyone realizes they are gay no one cares.
Ive gone into mens restrooms with them several times and aside from the double stare (glance, look away, is that a chick?, glance again) ive had no issues.
I know how you feel!
I have a really hard time going to any public restroom because everyone looks at me like wtf? So every now and then I take my ass to the mens restroom if I really have to go!!! Just to avoid the stares and shit. They should make open restrooms everywhere.
remember when we were
remember when we were leaving palm springs and airport security asked me, "you're female, right?"
omg dude!
that was soooo funny. also disturbing. you *are* female right?
Good for her
it would have much easier for her to forget the whole incident. Although it does appear (in my opinion) that sueing organisations and individuals in America seems a very popular thing to do sometimes unnecessarily. It happens alot or maybe thats just what it looks like from the UK looking on.
x thankyou mrs doodikins x
Totally
Oh, but by far the best is being treated like a threat to society when you're actually the victim...When I was transitioning I often felt like well, when I go in the mens room am I failing to pass because I use the stall or stop to wash my hands? But if I use the women's rest room am I going to be seen as a threat to women's safety and if so, understandably so (I mean all they see is this white male standing there in their safe space, they don't know that I share the same achilles heal and that I actually pose no threat. That I'm there seeking safety and shelter from the same things they are...). Then there's all the children saying, "Mommy, why is there a guy in here?"
I totally agree, all this media coverage might finally bring about some new wave dialogue on appropriate bathroom etiquette!