Happy Friday, Boob Tubers! I have cleared my mind with my morning Tai Chi practice, fortified myself with jasmine-green tea and a B-vitamin complex, and am now ready to rumble. And so… back by popular demand, I give you round two of A Shot at Love 2: With Tila Tequila — The Recap!

As the pink and blue limo vans pull up to her house on move-in night, Tila waxes wistful about finding her true love amongst the remaining 18 M&Ms. First quote of the night: Chad, “I’m more excited about moving into Tila than I am to the house.” So romantic. M&Ms sally forth unto Tila, and their doom. Tila welcomes her new harem at the foot of the stairs and, with a saucy little shimmy, declares that none shall pass until they fork over the magical talisman they each carry with them: their souls! Um. I mean keys! Second quote of the night: Brittany, “That key is the key to her heart, so giving it up, that’s like… tough.” Like, totally.

The M&Ms explore their new habitat, discovering that the infamous, ginormous bed from season one awaits them. As long as they remain in the house, they will all sleep here together. M4Ms divebomb the bed. Tough guy Jay remarks: “I saw the big bed and I’m kind of excited that some lesbians are going to try to make some moves on me… I’m pretty hot.” Femme&Ms flock together at one end of the bed and express their horror at having to share a bed with penises that come attached to boys. Brittany: “If I wake up and there’s a male genital in my face? I’m gonna flip. And then I’m gonna castrate you.” Chad and the Real Girl has brought along his blow-up doll, perhaps, to ward away the lesbians. Standing tall in the wake of judgmental derision from his peers, a petulant Chad insists: “I don’t like to sleep alone.” Riiiight.

The initial marking of geographical and psychic territory completed, someone finally notices: “There’s a BAR!” Yes, a fully stocked bar in their bedroom. Stampede! M&Ms get their drink on. The boys start getting drunk. Rough-housing ensues. And so it begins. Michelle: “We’re all chilling at the bar, mingling with the boys and they were all over us! It was like ‘Ask a Lesbian’ Day.” First M4M: “Have you ever slept with a guy?” Remaining Super Twin M4M: “What can a girl do that a guy can’t do?” He goes on to explain that he doesn’t believe lesbians actually exist. He thinks it’s just “a phase.” Brittany and V hold their own in the Q&A. Brittany in particular is dubbed by yours truly: Actually a Lesbian. (Oh, wait. V is the one who did the dyke-drama-rific, godawful spoken word poetry last week. She’s dubbed AAL, too!)

Tila invites the M&Ms to her casino to see who gives good game face. As the gambling begins, our hostess culls hotties from the herd. First up? After ditching a forlorn-looking Kyle at the craps table, Tila scampers off with Lisa for some private time. The two of them flirt and tease, but are quickly interrupted by (Stalker Alert!) Kyle, who stares intently (and rather blankly) at them from six feet away. Lisa declares this to be creepy and leads Tila off to a still more private nook on the sofa. Kyle follows them. With a lame excuse about needing to get Tila a drink “or something,” he plops down to join them on the edge of the sofa. “When I see something I want, I go after it,” he explains, still staring unblinkingly at Tila. “I’m not going to sit out there and play games because I’m here for you.” Lisa retorts, “Kind of like Jeffrey Dahmer.” Zing!

Next! Tila goes back for seconds following last week’s make-out session with Sirbrina. Destination: sofa! Tila gushes,“You’re adorable, you know that?” and initiates full body contact with the classic Faux-Tackle-Slidey-Slide-Torso-Gropeage maneuver. Much wrassling and kissing ensues, culminating with Tila’s legs wrapped up around Sirbrina’s hips all sexy-like as they suck face like there’s no tomorrow. Hoo doggeh! Tila makes the mistake of looking up and making eye contact with Kyle, who is watching from the nearby craps table. “Oh shit! Close the door!” Tila begs, but it’s too late. The ladies wrestle around on the sofa, making out as Kyle makes his approach. “Sirbriiiina,” Kyle calls, all sing-songy, sitting down and nudging, then patting her leg, trying to butt in. The girls ignore him, still with the sucking of the face. “You naughty little girls,” he coos. I feel dirty. And not in a good way. Jay and Lisa dub Kyle “The Creeper.” For real. Creepy Kyle tries to move in for a kiss with Tila while she’s still halfway entangled with Sirbrina. Tila giggles and turns her face away. Kyle lingers, chugging on down that river, DeNile. Awkward!

Next! Giant plushy sex dice! Well, strip dice, at any rate. The last guy and girl to be stripped down to their skivvies win a ménage à trois date with Tila. Hot! Tops and bottoms and shoes come flying off. The guys drool over the girls. Tila makes fun of tomboy Lisa’s “man boxers.” Whatever, Tila. Sirbrina has made the mistake of wearing a thong. Eep. Kristy and George win alone time in Tila’s “private club.”

Bars and swings and stripper poles abound in the “club.” Kristy and George bicker. What is that sound? Is it a herd of heffalumps clomping up the stairs? No! It’s the M&Ms coming to join the party! Samantha makes a beeline for the stripper pole and struts her stuff. (Much more impressive than whichever poor soul guinea pigged that last year and fell flat on her ass.) The noise level rises and before too long, it’s The Fuzz! It seems the producers, er, neighbors have called in a noise complaint. Immune to Tila’s wiles, the officer at the door slaps her with a citation.

Tila retires for the evening. The party continues for the M&Ms back in the big bed boudoir, where the bar never seems to close. An uninvited Bo grabs Kristy’s ass, and when she retaliates with a feeble smack of her pillow, he knocks her down in the most short-lived and vindictive pillow fight I’ve seen since I was 10. BAMN! Like Emeril was refereeing. At long last, the M&Ms call lights out. The girls fend off the ‘cuddly’ advances from the boys, claiming one side of the bed as a Penis-Free Zone.

The M&Ms catch a few hours beauty rest and awaken to a hangover-busting “Recovery Room,” complete with a nice breakfast and an oxygen bar. Tila wants her lushies on their game, dammit! Jay and Chad start a food fight with the lesbians. Samantha, who earlier gave us a treatise on the proper application of glitter to one’s eyelids, pitches a fit trying to marshal the troops to tidy up. Scotty seeks to loosen her up by dumping not one, but two drinks over her head. Drama! That Sam. I dub her Scrappydoo.

Next! Night falls and it’s competition time again. The M4Ms and Femme&Ms must face off yet again. This time it’s one of those booths that blows dollar bills around for people to grab at while making asses of themselves. One guy and one girl will enter the booth at a time to battle it out to see who is the best breadwinner. The prize of alone time with Tila will go to the top three grossers, regardless of gender. First in? Lisa and Creepy Kyle! And it is ON! Lisa kicks his Creeper ass, elbowing and body-checking him out of her way. Ha ha! Revenge is sweet! Brittany stuffs bills into her cleavage like she’s been training for this moment her whole life. Michelle ‘accidentally’ head butts Ryan in the jaw, dropping him like a Dinah Shore one night stand. Finally, it’s Kristy and Jay. She wields the almighty power of her ass like she’s playing bumper cars, keeping her opponent off balance. Man! These girls mean biznez. And the winnahs… V, Fame and Brittany! Tila: “You girls know how to bring home the bacon!” The winning trio are ordered to don their bikinis and meet Tila in the jacuzzi room. Nice!

In the hot tub, Tila challenges her three lady friends to do the best impersonation of her they can muster. The winner gets one-on-one time with Tila in bed. Fame and V vamp it up. Brittany pulls out the creativity big guns. She grabs an ice cube and fluffs herself on camera. Ping! P-ping! Goofin’ on Tila’s perky boobs and poking (ahem) some good-natured fun, Brittany wins! She hand feeds grapes to Tila and is rewarded with kissage. Taking a cue from The Creeper, Fame interrupts their tryst and plops down to serenade Tila with a vocal performance so sincere, so fiercely intent and so painfully off-key that Tila and V visibly cringe while listening. At one point, mid-song, Fame leans in and rubs her face against Tila’s neck like a cat greeting its human. Okaaay.

Elimination! One guy and one girl will be getting their comeuppance tonight. But who will it be? Sirbrina, V and Brittany are the first ladies presented with keys. Also safe, Samantha, Kristy and Lauryn. Michelle, too! On the chopping block? George, Lisa, Creepy Kyle, drunk-ass Christian and Fame. George is safe! Best quote of the night: Tila, “Fame, you sang for me tonight on our date, but this isn’t American Idol. Your shot at love has ended.” I suddenly wish I could hear Simon’s commentary on Fame’s mortifying performance. It is reject reel-worthy, for sure. Next! Lisa is safe. Phew! But she is ordered to drop her guard and let Tila in emotionally. That Tila. Still such a lesbo. Miraculously, Creepy Kyle is spared to creep another day, and Lushy Smurf Christian is given the boot. The remaining M&Ms celebrate their reprieve with a round of shots.Next week! The Femme&Ms in their Catholic schoolgirl best getting spanked by a ruler-wielding Tila (thank you Jeebus), and the second annual Biathlon!

TV Week in Review…

Evil Bitch Queen Supreme: Dawnie Michelle Trachtenberg guesting on Gossip Girl. I know it’s evil, but I was hoping the liquid roofies she slipped into Serena’s drink were part of a ploy to make the blond beauty think she’d blacked out after a lesbian tryst rather than just tricking her into missing the S.A.T.'s. Boring! But deliciously evil nonetheless.

Best Sidebar Summary of the State of Race and the Media: Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, on this week in news, “…Each piece of bad news owes a great thanks to one Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who has been dominating cable news coverage like a missing white girl.”

Best Obscure Piece of Set Dressing: This week on How I Met Your Mother we finally got a glimpse of Barney’s office at work. The wall behind his desk is covered with those corporate culture “value” keyword posters, like “Teamwork,” “Challenge” and “Strength.” Snuck into the mix right behind his chair is one I’m pretty sure the properties department cooked up: “Awesomeness.”

Best In-House Slashy Fandom Reference: Grey’s Anatomy. Gay-panic-ridden Callie asking Meredith and Christina if anyone ever thinks that they are a couple. Bwahaha! (Discussion topic: Are we setting up odds on whether or not Callie and Hahn will get together by season’s end? I’m all in!)

Most Boring Episode of BSG Since the Gaius Balthar Trial Ended: Srsly. 20 seconds of Kara? WHAT were they THINKING?! (!!!)

What were you watching this week, Boob Tubers?