Recap time! This week on A Shot at Love 2: With Tila Tequila… Are you ready sports fans? It’s Biathlon time! Tila announces that this season’s boys vs. girls obstacle course is to be run in a wetsuit and flippers and features as its most humiliating challenge: fishing a correctly gendered, squishy “blue ball” out of a plastic pool... with your mouth. Tasty! The guys get off to an impressive start, seeming poised to redeem the collective manliness of manly kind after the girls’ big win last season. Alas, Ryan and Chad fall victim to blue balls, allowing the ladies to catch up. The competition is rigged fierce! It’s neck and neck until Lisa pulls through, deja-ing my vu, a la Dani Campbell. Yes folks, the girls have won it!

And so, friends, do we. Their prize? Playing “hot for teacher” with Tila, all dressed up in skimpy schoolgirl uniforms. Lisa, who has butched up her outfit with jeans in lieu of the ass-baring plaid miniskirt and knee-highs worn by the Femme&Ms, is the quickest to write “I love Tila” 25 times on the chalkboard and wins alone time. On their “date,” Tila and Lisa process their courtship and share a cuddle. What lesbians! Next! Returning to the classroom, it’s time for “show and tell.” The Femme&Ms frolic with blow-up dolls, make out with Tila, and are disciplined with something called a Robo-Spanker. (See my Amazon.com wishlist for details.)

Meanwhile, the boys are off having a sulk and decide to cheer themselves up with a “good old-fashioned panty raid.” Led by ringleaders Jay and Chad, the M&Ms paw through the girls’ luggage, string up a clothesline that would make even Victoria green with secret envy and proceed to shout and leap into the air to bang titsling-clad chests. They look like they’re wearing training bras. The girls return to gloat, happening upon the panty raid aftermath. And it’s on! Kristy confronts her arch-nemesis, Jay. Screaming ensues. Bemoaning all the “meanness,” babytalking Sam bursts into the fakest-sounding sobs I’ve ever heard and is escorted outside by Lisa. Sam wipes at her visibly dry eyes, loudly boohooing with all the sincerity of a six-year-old denied a second ice cream cone.

The boys go on their “loser” group date with Tila. It’s the gayest. Prom. Ever! No, not homo gay. The other kind. Tila plants a big smooch on Ryan, who moves his mouth stiffly against hers like a wooden puppet dreaming of Real Boyhood. Apparently, the guys are the ones who could use a sex-ed class from Tila.

Next! It’s the last challenge before elimination, called “The Conveyor Belch.” Oh dear. It’s the dreaded, Fear Factor-esque eating competition. I urge the faint of heart (and stomach) to look away. Boys vs. girls! Whichever team can down the most mystery shots, one by one, off their conveyer belt, wins! Plucking up their courage, the M&Ms begin to down shots of hot sauce, clam juice, tartar sauce and vinegar, among other delicacies. Almost immediately, the puking begins. M&Ms stand around, hunched over and heaving, vomitorium style. Incredibly, the girls win! Again! But they come to regret it instantly, for Tila is not finished with them just yet. One final challenge awaits the ladies: the first to finish the final course will get a date with Tila. On the menu for dessert? Pig vagina. Yes, you read that right. Resembling a squiggle of pâté-colored poop, and described as smelling of formaldehyde, there it is: Pussy de porky. Half the Femme&Ms give up after the first bite, but Lauryn, Lisa and Sirbrina woman up, choking it down. And the winning muff muncher? No surprises here. It’s Lisa! Lisa chooses remaining super twin Dominic to share her date with Tila.

Date time! Lisa and Tila chat briefly about dating and girls, but quickly get down to making out. Lisa’s kissing skills? Not merely mad. Like, deranged! Damn, that’s hot. Dom butts in, and instead of fighting fire with smoochies-fueled fire, chooses this moment to explain to Tila that there is no such thing as bisexuality. Smooth like super-chunky peanut butter, this one!

Finally, it’s elimination time! Lisa, George, Michelle and Scotty are safe, and soon joining their side are Sirbrina, Brittany, Chad and Jay. Fish-lipped Ryan and lesbian-mythologizing Dominic are sent packing. On the girl’s team, poetess V and pre-med Lauryn get the boot, sparing Sam, who takes this opportunity to fake-cry all over Tila.

Next week! Bull-riding, a pool party, group hugs and BOOBIES!

TV Week in Review…

Best McBickersons: The gay male couple on Desperate Housewives arguing over who is more “straight,” each trying to convince Gabby that they are the perfect candidate to pretend to solicit sex from her new, possibly-a-hooker tenant.

Happiest Reunion: Idol viewers and The Birdman of Gladness! We got to hear him croon a bit of “Since You’ve Been Gone” with Jason Castro in the long-locked singer’s goodbye clip. Oh, Birdman. I will miss you, my brother. Forever. Until the end of time.

Best Use of Last Year's Stupidest News Story: Cheers to 30 Rock for taking the Pentagon's abandoned "gay bomb" idea and using it as the gag that keeps on giving. So to speak. Weapons of Mass Seduction. Sweet!

To Watch For Next Week…

Monday! Britney reprises her role as ditzy secretary Abby on CBS’s How I Met Your Mother.

Thursday! Steve Buscemi guests on ER.

Your turn, Boob Tubers. What caught your eye this week on TV?