I… can barely contain myself. Can you smell it in the air? The scent of fresh ink on crisp scripts, of laughter and hijinks and drama brewing like percolating coffee? THAT, my friends, is the smell of your favorite shows winging their way back to your television screens with brand new episodes. That’s right, kids. Like the Clarion call of Gabrielle Solis’s horn, sounding the apocalyptic death nell of pop culture stagnation, the network shows are back.

Highlights to watch for this upcoming week…

Monday, April 21: Continuing in their new vein of '80s nostalgia hilarity (Did you catch Barney’s Doogie Howser-esque dear diary session a few weeks back?), this week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother marks the return of Robin Sparkles, Robin’s not-so-secret '80s Canadian teen pop icon alter ego. The episode also features Dawson er, James Van Der Beek, who takes a turn as the pop tart’s back-up dancer/love interest. In a stroke of casting brilliance, Alan Thicke and real life '80s teen pop icon Tiffany also guest star. Also new tonight, The Hills and Gossip Girl. And VH1’s Miss Rap Supreme competition wends its way into a lesbian bar? This I have to see…

Tuesday, April 22: Tuesday is now officially Lesbo Night. And come 10 p.m., it’s Clash of the Tribade Titans! If it really comes to a smack down, my money is on Jackie Warner, whose reality show Work Out launched its dyke-drama super-powered second season this past week on Bravo. This week, Jackie takes her harem um, I mean her female trainers on an Olivia cruise, leaving her jealous girlfriend stranded and stewing back on land. Entering the ring, Jackie’s new opponent: Tila Tequila, and the season premiere of A Shot At Love 2. This year’s crop of “lesbians” includes a Playboy playmate, a stripper, a “professional mechanical bull rider,” a former boxer, a poet and a self-described “devout lesbian.” “Devout.” Uh huh. Methinks the lady doth proclaim too much. Okay, the former boxer is hot. As is the closeted Ukranian chick. On the guy’s team are a pair of identical twins, one of whom is quoted as saying that lesbianism is a “phase that women go through,” and the other who claims to have “converted” several lesbians back into the fold of heterosexual lovin’. Okay, boxer chick. And you too, former private first class chick. I expect to see the smack being put down on these two! Law & Order: SVU is also new Tuesday, with a plot that centers around the hunt for a closeted NFL star wanted in connection with the murder of his on-the-DL lovah.


Wednesday, April 23: Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber graces the remaining Top Six with his illustrious presence on American Idol, confirming once and for all Idol’s position as the gayest non-gay show on TV. I, for one, am dying to hear vocal powerhouse Carly Smithson sing “All I Ask of You.” Please. Carly. Homegirl from my hometown. Doll, all you need is a confidence boost and a killer song like this one, and you could turn out to be the only one who can possibly give Archangel Archuleta a run for his money this season. Top Chef should be a hoot this week, too, as the remaining contestants are challenged to perform improvisational comedy along with the usual display of their mad culinary skillz. A recipe for disaster? Perhaps. Sure to follow the main course, a tasty side of utter mortification.

Thursday, April 24: This week marks the long-awaited returns of Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy and Lost, pretty much guaranteeing that the Watson household, along with so many others, will be glued to ABC come Thursday. Grey’s Showrunner Shonda Rhimes wrote a guest column in TV Guide this week in which she announced 1) that Meredith and McDreamy are getting back together for good, and 2) that this year’s season finale will conclude with “a kiss so good it makes us lean into our televisions… a kiss we never saw coming.” I knew it! Christina and Izzy at last! (Sigh.)

Friday, April 25: Rising tension between rival religious factions spells trouble in the fleet on Battlestar Galactica, as Baltar and his new converts to the worship of The One God clash with followers of The Lords of Kobol. Also tonight, the Discovery Channel unveils its new reality-adventure TV series, Surviving Alaska.

There’s some exciting news on the new shows in development front. Amy Acker and lovely newcomer Miracle Laurie are the latest talents to have been snapped up in connection with Joss Whedon’s new show, The Dollhouse, starring everyone’s favorite rogue slayer, Eliza Dushku. And Alan Ball, the creator of Six Feet Under, has a new show in development with HBO. True Blood is set to premiere in the fall, starring Anna Paquin as a Louisiana psychic in a time where vampires have “come out of the coffin” and live openly amongst humans. Sounds pretty queer to me! It actually sounds potentially lame, but after American Beauty and Six Feet Under, I don’t see how any project Alan Ball touches could amount to anything less than Boob Tube gold.

TV Week in Review…

Most Adorable New Daily Show Correspondent: Kristen Schaal. Clearly I must be out of the loop. When exactly did Maggie Gyllenhaal and Betty Boop have a love child?


Most Adorable Veteran Daily Show Correspondent: Samantha Bee, extremely pregnant and wearing a Catholic schoolgirl uniform in honor of Pope Benedict XVI’s visit to the U.S. Oh, the cuteness! It hurts me!

Made Me Laugh Until I Almost Hurled: SNL’s sketch spoofing Activia and Jamie Lee Curtis’s penchant for posing naked. I didn’t hurl. But I did have to leave the room to get my inhaler.

Biggest Shocker: Kristy Lee Cook getting voted off of Idol this week! (Rather than last week, or the week before that, or the one before that…)

Most Alarming Fandom Rumor: That “a beloved crew member” on BSG will DIE this week. They totally gave it away on the promo, too… although I have to wonder if she is a red herring, and they’re really going to kill off her newly-discovered-to-be-a-frakking-toaster husband, who will save her and die horribly in the process, only to reveal himself to the other Cylons as one of the Final Five when he downloads for the first time… but don’t get me started.

Quote of the Week: “So, I’m there with a rolling pin just beating my meat,” uttered by Lisa Fernandez on Top Chef. I don’t know which was more fun: hearing her actually say that or watching her wail on that skirt steak like it had peed on the grave of On Our Backs.