Drunken frat boys drink themselves into a rowdy stupor in their limo van. Liquored up cheerleaders chant in unison sounding their battle cry. What is this after-school special insanity that has invaded my TV screen? Oh, yes. It is another season of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. And I am watching it why? Because I love you. All of you. (Sigh.) Bitches.

The first episode of A Shot At Love 2 was so over-the-top, so outrageous and so vastly annoying that it seemed only fitting to recap it. Are you ready for this? Here we go… We’re gonna do it on fast-forward so as to fit in every last delicious drop of jaw-dropping insanity.

(Cue cheesy new theme song.) Megalomaniac Contestant #1 contemplates “Tila’s feelings about me” before actually meeting her. Next! Hi Lisa! (Softball coach, check. White button-down with black vest, check. Named Lisa, check. Survey says? Ding, ding, ding! Actually a lesbian!)

Girls and guys spill out into Tila’s driveway, squaring off West Side Story-style to jeer at one another. Ooh, first “butch” chick! Hi, Serenity! Serenity hopes she won’t “pee her pants” when she sees Tila, and sounds uncannily like one of those The Hills chicks. Survey says? Not actually butch!

Tila arrives. Megalomaniacs squeal and jump up and down. Hi Nick! Nick gushes: “Seeing Tila for the first time, it was almost like seeing Jesus.” Nick, you’re going to be trouble, aren’t you? Megalomaniacs fawn over Tila. (Hmm. Unwieldy, no? From here on out, Megalomaniacs shall be known as M&Ms.) Tila pines for her lost love, Bobby, and assures all and sundry that she is “still” bisexual.

The game begins. Oh look! Ginormous go-go cages! Quote of the night #1: Chad, “The competition, it’s great. Lickety split those lesbians!” Enough unintentionally witty banter. Now into the cages with you! Boys in the blue, girls in the pink! Tila orders M&Ms to dance, monkey, DANCE! (Sexy-like.) M&Ms begin to strip themselves and each other down to their skivvies and shake it. Quote of the night #2: Tila, “The guys, they were just kind of jumping around, beating on their chests. I felt like they were a bunch of cavemen.” Tila saunters towards the girls. One brave soul invokes the power of BOOBIES, whipping off her bra and jiggling ‘em up against the pink bars. Back in the blue cage, Nick retaliates by dropping his drawers and gyrating nekkid, shaking his thang around while bellowing like a wounded rhinoceros. I knew it. Trouble!

Tila announces, “That was super hot. I’m turned on.” Eeeuggh. The girls win the right to be the first into the house to party with Tila, while the boys are made to “sit out in the cold” in the blue-ball coop. The Femme & Ms enter the house with Tila. The décor is split right down the middle, pink on one side, blue on the other. How sweet. Tila philosophizes about her attraction to women as opposed to men: “Girls are sensitive towards what I’m feeling and they’re understanding of the situation.” That Tila. What a lesbo. The booze begins to flow. Tila makes a bee-line for girly, androgynous Serenity. Ooooh. Perhaps Tila still pines for Dani? Tila and Serenity get cozy. Femme & Ms seethe with jealousy. Next! Hi Rada! (Faux-hawk, check. Dykey clothes, check. Cockiness, check!) Wow. Actual GQ-butchness. She’s like the Ukranian lovechild of Dani and Domenico from season 1. I heart her already. If she sticks around, maybe it won’t be so bad to watch this season after all.


Next! Hi, Kristy! Kristy is bisexual, and bless her bubbly soul for just up and saying so. Her “I’m always hyper” pep is going to grate, I’m sure of it, but she gets points for being openly bi. Tila bonds with Glamazon Lisa, who I can’t help but like. Next! Hi Stalker Chick! Meet Tashi, a self-described “big fan” of Tila’s, who admits to downloading pictures of TT on the internet, but insists she is not, repeat, NOT a stalker. Oh dear.

Hi, Tara and Janny! Did you both escape from Stepford together? Tara, on why Tila should pick her, “I just think we’d be really cute.” Crikey. Next! Hi Lauryn and Sirbrina! Tila makes out with Sirbrina while Lauryn looks on, mortified. Elmira, um, I mean BOOBIES girl, er, I mean Samantha comes to claim Tila as her very own for two whole minutes. Tila straddles Sam’s lap to read her boobs, I mean, t-shirt. Sam is all bounce and baby-talk. Barf.

Next! Hi Michelle and Fame! And buh-bye just as quickly. Lili steals Tila away for an impromptu therapy session. They sit facing one another in front of the fire place, Lili hunched forward, grasping Tila’s hands and holding on for dear life. She asks Tila to bare her wounded soul and talk about Bobby. Tila cries. Awkward!

Oh. My. God. I just figured it out! Lili is channeling JENNY! Oh, Lili Schecter. I’ve got your number, lady! If you last past tonight, I fully expect you to be the Chief Instigator of Drama (C.I.D.) around here this season.

The XY M&Ms shiver and moan (not in a sexy, M4M way, alas) outside in their cage. The girls strut their stuff in a talent show. Kristy cartwheels, Tashi hula hoops and Sam cheerleads. Brittany hops in place on a pogo stick and wins Best Use of a Prop with a fire engine red lolly. Tara dons lederhosen and tortures an accordion and Janny tanks, trying to vamp it up with a badly croaked-out song and a fuscia feather boa. Someone performs godawful dyke drama-y spoken word, Michelle boxes with a blow-up “straight guy” and Rada can break dance! Cool! As for the rest? Too painful. Cannot go on.

Next! Serenity laments her ill-received stand-up comedy routine and cries at the thought of being torn from Tila’s side. Lili comforts her. With tongue. Tila peeks around the corner and catches them making out. Elimination time for the girls! Lili and Serenity are called up first. Tila rages, “Give me back my key and get the BLEEP out of my house!” Also booted: Tara, Janny, Tashi, and… Rada?! SAY WHAT?! Tila to Rada: “I think you’re mad cool, but I just don’t think you’re the one for me.” Oh, Tila. How COULD you? I will never, ever forgive you, for as long as I snark and breathe!

Fast-fast-forward. Guys enter house. Guys drink. Guys hang on/grope/bend over/manhandle Tila. Guy runs around the house with his boxers pulled halfway down and a large Gerber daisy imbedded in his ass crack. Meatheads prove themselves manly by threatening one another with bodily harm via head-butting. Guys strut their stuff on the catwalk in a fashion show. Warning: gratuitous sausage fest ahead! Guys dressed as devils, football players, hula boys, listing pirates and ambiguously gay twin super heroes. Finally, a suited up Nick strolls down the catwalk carrying a gold box. Oh no. This can’t be good. I can’t watch. I can’t. But I... oh god! Yes, folks. It’s his dick in a box. Tila shrieks in horror, turning away and batting feebly at the box. I take a moment to question my faith in a benevolent God.

Elimination time for the M4Ms (if I have to watch this shit, I can at least fantasize about some good guy-on-guy action). And we say six sad goodbyes. The first to get the boot? I know. Shocker. It’s Nick! Best Quote of the night goes to: Tila as she bids him a fond farewell, “You can keep the box.” Next! Goodbye to Fisherman Matt, drunk-ass Jeremy, tried-to-bend-Tila-over-and-got-shot-down Chris, sweetly dweeby Mason and one of the super twins (Greg, “the bad boy”).

The show ends with the promise of more horror and hijinx to come next week, on move-in day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch Sharmen sex scenes on my season 2 DVDs until my eyes stop bleeding.

TV Week in Review…

I’m Still Looking for My Socks ‘Cause You Knocked ‘Em Off!: Syesha, I didn’t know you had it in you. You were awesome this week! Same goes for David Cook. He was actually kinda sexy doing his Phantom thing. And how about that perplexing bottom two this week? Carly and Syesha? Seriously? This was the first time in forever that I found myself more embarrassed to be an American on account of our viewing public than because of our president. Tsk, tsk.

Sexiest Uber-Geek: Sara Gilbert as Leslie Winkle on Big Bang Theory. She can be the Lambda over my Pi in any equation.

Sexiest Use of Goat Cheese: Well, let’s face it. Goat cheese is always sexy. But cheers to Jen and Stephanie on Top Chef. Even though they lost, they were unexpectedly funny and sexy. Respect! (And adios, Jen. We’re down two lesbians, people! It’s all up to Lisa now…)

Best Snappy Comeback: Goes to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, “Oh yeah? Well I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.”

Alright, kids. I’m out. What were your most memorable moments of this week in TV?