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Can I Getta Witness?
April 17, 2008 - 8:40am — Gloria BigelowAs the crew and I are getting a little older, and as we’ve all kind of made a collective decision to not be the “old lady at the club,” this idea of “a forever” or a “soul mate” or “life partner” has been floating around A LOT. It’s been coming up in all kinds of circles in all kinds of conversations.
I’ve heard:
“I can’t say forever, but I can say for a long time.”
“I do want a forever kind of thing.”
“We just have a kind of connection that seems timeless. We’re just connected.”
“I’m looking for wifey!”
The other day, I was looking for some sex-me boots in SOHO. I tried on a pair and turned to my friend and said, “whadoyathink?” To which she responded, “They’re great. I’m thinking more about forever.”
To which I responded, “Forever? Girl, please. I’m too hard on shoes. I’ll be lucky if they make it past next fall. But I think they’re a good deal so I’ll wear ‘em through spring and bring ‘em back around September. Oh, you not talkin’ ‘bout the boots. Shit we’re back on that again!?”
At different times in my life, I’ve weighed in on either side of the forever issue.
I remember in college having a boyfriend that I was going to marry at 23 spit out my kids at 25 and 28, respectively, and live happily ever after. Could you imagine the train wreck that forever would have been?
Imagine me, and my gay ass, waking up in the middle of the night shaking after another “bad” lesbian sex dream. Married while secretly planning a lesbian cruise for my straight girlfriends hoping that they won’t find out. A married dyke giving extra long looks to women with short haircuts at the Home Depot while shopping for new fixtures to update that second-floor bathroom. A nightmare — a hetero nightmare I say!
That forever? Not so much!
I also remember planning a forever with a woman — a silly but somehow tasteful (!?!) Harlem Renaissance-themed wedding OR a weekend wedding at Martha’s Vineyard in the fall. Yes, the Vineyard in the fall... jewel tones, 7 p.m. ceremony and women in suits! Yes, I say!
The backlash of a break-up however would have me hurling marriage epithets and truths:
Screw marriage… Screw it, I say!!! Marriage schmarriage. That’s just another hetero construct that was designed to keep us women folk down. Screw marriage… Screw it, I say. It’s about ownership, women as property. Screw ‘em! Marriage schmarriage. They wanna keep us in line? Well, I’m not getting in no line!!! Unless it’s a line for some sex-me boots on sale.
Over some great food, and some even better conversation, it came up again. Against all my better judgment, I found myself back in the mix. My marriage cynic and truth sayer were sitting on either side of my shoulders telling me:
“There is no such thing as a forever asshole, get a grip.”
“Are you kidding? You were engaged, for crying out loud, and how’d that work out for ya?”
“People die you know. Where’s the forever in that, missy?”
“You’d have better luck trying to give birth to a rabbit than making a forever.”
And then out of my mouth, like an emotional, romanticized, runaway freight train, I said, “ I do want someone to walk with… in life. I want a witness: a day-to-day witness. I want someone to look forward with — not just to, but with. I believe in a forever.” As soon as I said it, I knew it was who I really was, without the truth of the societal construct. At my most basic level, I knew that it was what I wanted beyond the failed attempt, without my cynic or survivalist, the one that keeps me from running head first into oncoming traffic. I knew that… I was screwed.
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44 Comments
scary
I kinda have a "forever" right now. We've been together for 7 years. The thought of losing her is just scary. I've honestly never been bored with her.. It's more in the line of comfortable completeness.. (Ew. Cheezy. I know). I'm just scared that one of us will wake up one day and ask what she's been missing out on.. I mean, she is my first in everything (I'm hers as well) and I'm only 24 (she's 22). I dunno.. I just wish I'd have this "forever" longer.
GIRL PLEASE!!!!
I'm in the south. That's all they think about is forever! U just meet, and before u finish your sentence their talking marriage!! It's CRAZY
Glo, I have a serious
Glo, I have a serious hangover from last night. I should probably shoot myself. But this blog made me sad. I do want a forever. Is there just one forever? Can we have a series of them?
I've dated so many damn women its ridiculous. I can keep track of events and periods of my life by remembering who I was with at the time.
I'm always looking for forever. It's like Staceyann said last night, I want them and I get them but I don't keep them.
At least we know where to find the G spot. In the projects.
Even my firends think so...
I guess everybody wants to have that forever thing... But I just can't see happening to me the funny thing is over a couple or to many drinks my friends actually said that they thought I would never be able to commit to forever.....But somehow I don't think I'll have the energy to go out pickin up when I'm 80. They also think this seeing as my longest relationship only lasted 1 year
What Kinda Dream??
Is there such a thing as a "bad lesbian sex dream"? I think not.
Peace and Sweet Dreams. :-)
i feel the same.
i feel the same.
Awwwww, Gloria. I want a
Awwwww, Gloria. I want a forever, too....but it'll get here when it gets here...
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
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a witness
I love the Witness analogy. Having a witness walking with you who sees, feels, shares, your experiences life with you keeps us all secretly wanting forever. Witnessing all the good, bad, and crazy out here together with a partner makes life a little easier to navigate through. Not sure I believe in "the one" anymore but I do believe in a witness.
This is fab!
This is fab! I am not alone.
My inner cynic was not at work the day I met her and I fell, hard. I do absolutely adore her - My forever. (Well at least my hope of forever) I too, am totally screwed. But you have to admit, it is a delicious feeling.
"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself"
The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran
sizzle n fizzle
fastgirl and juniper - funny shit.
i'm only 24 and i think about this forever thing too. i always thought that the reason i'm not sure about my convictions abt such stuff was cuz i haven't explored enough and am still young.
it's interesting to see comments from older people who still aren't sure themselves. i don't know - that's scary for me - that i may not be sure in the future - but then maybe those people who say they know what they want are a bunch of liars - either to themselves or to people or both.
i notice that it's become a trend for people to diss marriage. the thing about dissing marriage is that it's like dissing spaghetti. i think that if people believe in the institution of marriage, then go for it. if others believe otherwise, then so be it.
for me, it's not whether you are married or not - it's how one handles it. i know a few really strong marriages in my life. not many, but a few. and it's real. the things that i notice that works for them is -
(1) sense of humour [i wld die if my partner didnt make me laugh]
(2) care for their individual appearances [i'm sorry, once someone lets themselves go and chooses not to come back, it's as damning to the relationship as emotional abandonment]
[3] how they fight [we all feel murderous towards people we love at times. but once we repeatedly use abusive words and name calling and stop being kind in our fights, everything quickly unravels.]
[4] in public [i don't know - i think this is major - but fuck, what do i know - i wld go insanely livid if my partner disrespects me in public]
[5] a common belief system [how one relates to the world, to faith, to children, to each other, to money - as bette says - "jodi and i don't share the same set of values"]
i do believe that having a good 20 year relationship that naturally ends is great. people change all the time. and sometimes, separation shld not be blown out of proportion.
but really, i don't know anything. this is just stuff i've observed. i haven't been in a long-term relationship but i think it makes sense.
Insightful...
Wisdom doesnt always come with age. Treasure your innate wisdom :)
"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself"
The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran
I'm with Deeschick
Right on Eminneli!! VERY smart girl. :) Peace, Jodie
I want it too...
For me right now instead of come get me sexy boots - I purchase books.(Sad huh?) Those are 'forever' too but when you find that other kind Gloria let a sistah' know so I can pick me up some as well!
Memories of me
Fortunately / unfortunately for me, I went through with the wedding. We had some happy years. Then there were the others. The best that came out of it were the kids. I love my kids and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I was in hetero / homo denial forever. Looking at women. Denying that I was attracted. Expecting to be feeding him the pablum at the end of our days.
Now I'm working on my gay forever. And I have no idea what it looks like. I think I still want a partner for life. But I really don't think I want to put up with anybody man or woman in my house.
Can you be married and have separate houses? Is that OK?
Glo ...I know your pain.
Omnipresence.
Forever is one of those things you believe in, because if you don't it makes life seem less dimensional. The world isn't flat, the possibilities are endless.... somewhere there's a forever. Forever is today. And tomorrow.
i like the word "forever"
but not coming out of the mouth of a girl i am dating like..the fifth time. its a curse.
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde
"I was screwed", lol!
Beautifully written and very well put. Falling prey to "forever" just kinda sneaks up on you sometimes...
It does happen...
I'm just sayin'.....
I just realized
This, which I posted in my poetry thread (in which I'd like to see more participation people!) also speaks to the notion of forever.
Devolution
A charming laugh that held a lie
A tearful kiss; a hard goodbye
In days of old when we were young
And life had only just begun
We felt we'd love forever more
Like nothing we had felt before.
But life was tough, though sometimes good
And limited to what we should
A barrier to what we could
Be
There's a thin line...
The hits keep coming!
Once again good stuff from Glo.
That romantic - pragmatist - cynic line is a tough one. I'm not sure that some of us ever stop vacillating up and down that continuum. I know I haven't, yet. I was just lucky to have found a woman who understands my wavering and rolls with it.
V
p.s. Count me with Juniper as a fan of your writing - both artful and insightful!
thanks val
Gloria Bigelow
I can see myself as a roller and a waverer as well... where is my understanding woman-- dammit!?! :)
love it...
i really enjoyed this one, gloria. i'm only 23 and i think about 'forever' very often. i'm just not sure i'm the marrying type. part of me remains idealistic though. and i totally know which friend said “I can’t say forever, but I can say for a long time.” ;-)
keondra.
p.s. how are those boots workin out for ya?
these boots are made...
Gloria Bigelow
for sexin' and that's just what they'll do...
thanks for reading my blogs. can you get them where you are going? we should for sure, keep in touch.
yeah, that "I can't say forever..." is something that you've probably heard at a soiree i'm sure.
i dunno...
if i can get to this site in fiji, but i will try! if not, i'll just bug you periodically to send me some newness via email. you slay me! i'm sure my newly found afro/indo/fijian friends could benefit from a good chuckle every now and again too!
Forever, ummm...
Well, it looks like my wife and I are going to be together til death do we part, possibly because one of us is going to kill the other.
The fact is, love, and certainly romance aside, our lives are so intertwined at this point, neither of us has the energy to unravel them. Oh during a particularly heated argument one of us might threaten to walk out. I've even thrown my stuff in the car and stayed away for a few days (This was a seriously flawed plan because hotel prices in NYC are astromical and my sister, the only person I could flop with, lives 3 hours away. Much too far to commute.) But I went home and things calmed down and we fell back in line with normalcy.
Forever is that scary place where boredom lives. It's that haunted house where you get locked in and can only look at all the pretty girls walking down the street.
The concept of forever is at once charming (as in someone to grow old with, and make those doctor's appointments with and feed adult pablum to in the nursing home) and horrifying (as in no more first dates or first kisses, no more surprising likes and dislikes, no more new smells on your pillow or new sounds coming from your shower). But forever has a way of sneaking up on you.
My niece is 22 years old. Her parents have been breaking up for her entire life. My brother has left and come back at least 5 times. They are always bickering, if they speak at all. They have planned and canned at least 3 weddings. My brother and his "wifey" have been together for 27 years and according to him, only the first 5 were happy. That's a little more than half of forever repeating the same cycles.
As for soul mates, well, contrary to popular (romantic) belief, they don't always come in a life partner package. Sometimes a soul mate is a friend or even a relative.
And being soul mates in no way insures that life won't get in the way of forever. You may love, but still not be together forever.
Okay, I've pontificated enough on this subject.
There's a thin line...
LOL LOL
Gloria Bigelow
Oh the intertwining is something else... i agree with you completely on the soul mate thing...i think that my great aunt helen is one of my soul mates and have thought this for most of my life and i like it that way...hmmm. but as far as "wifey" i would hope that...shit i don't know what i hope do i...hmmm gotta come back to you. not sure what i want my forever to look like specifically, you know?hmmm
Holy sh!t Meffle
I could totally relate to what you wrote (plus you made me giggle). Thanks! :) Peace, Jodie
I feel you!
"Forever is that scary place where boredom lives. It's that haunted house where you get locked in and can only look at all the pretty girls walking down the street."
I'm sure I'm probably too young to totally 'get it', but I share the same sentiments when it comes to the forever thing...
i think that's what we do
Gloria Bigelow
i didn't even look at the pretty girls walking down the street in my last relationship- it was like we both had blinders on- and that was dangerous and made us both feel i think less alive- less vital but i don't think that it has to be boring... does it? Is it just a notion that we can still have fireworks in forever.
i'd love to believe
there can be fireworks in forever. but i'm skeptical, because i have yet to witness it with anyone i know. love can last forever, i think, but that za-za-zing seems to be more ephemeral.
How about this?
How about having someone(s) to walk with and someone(s) to look forward with, even knowing that it may not last forever?
that i can't do
Gloria Bigelow
i wish that i could...but i can't do it because if i am thinking that it may not last forever... i would be looking up in the sky all of the time... just waiting... waiting... for the other shoe to drop! even if i think it's going towards forever and we make a wrong turn... i have to believe that it's going to be a forever kind of thing
Several GREAT years aren't bad either...
Gloria, I can certainly see where you're coming from, but what if you meet a great woman and could share 10 or 15 GREAT years with her, but you parted ways - on good terms after that time. Isn't that also a successful relationship? I don't know. To me any amount of time spent with another person where you both have fun, grow, love, and respect each other is a wonderful thing. And I also know from my own experience that sometimes you do all of that waiting for the one and the forever thing, and you think she has finally come along and then a few years down the road you're single again.
Just some food for thought. But, I understand if you just can't do it, you just can't do it.
Your screwed...ha,ha
That was great!
Love is a really twisted thing!!ha,ha
hon,
nothing is forever.
oh, did i just hear a glass break?
must be my samba tea cup...
shattering glasses
Gloria Bigelow
that MUST be your truth.
Are we crazy
Why do we fight so hard to not admit this is what we want. Is it because we are afraid of having no drama to entertain our friends year in and year out(lol) If we really had a forever love and didn't have to make those late night calls to cry our hearts out to solidify who really cares about us,would we have any thing to talk about at all.
Funny that I was only able to say it out loud last year (lol) after a friend assured me I wasn't a crazy lesbo for wanting it.Now it just rolls off my tongue with no hesitation at all:)
Thanks Gloria! It's nice to know I'm not alone.
OMG
Imagine me, and my gay ass, waking up in the middle of the night shaking after another “bad” lesbian sex dream. Married while secretly planning a lesbian cruise for my straight girlfriends hoping that they won’t find out. A married dyke giving extra long looks to women with short haircuts at the Home Depot while shopping for new fixtures to update that second-floor bathroom. A nightmare — a hetero nightmare I say!
OMG, that was me! I thank goodness everyday I broke off that engagement. And I know I do want my own kind of forever someday. Just need to figure out what that looks like...
I love reading what you have to write. Thanks.
Gloria, I love your writing.
Gloria, I love your writing. The first thing I notice is the lyrical quality to it. It's like listening to a good song. Then I really start to think about what you wrote and the ideas behind it. You've got great talent, do you have a book on the way? :)
thank you
Gloria Bigelow
can i tell you that i absolutely lovvvve this picture!
thanks for the encouragement. i wasn't a writer before grace put me on here so it's nice to know that people enjoy it.
Gloria I too love the way
Gloria I too love the way you write. You said you werent a writer before Grace put you on. I think that as a comedienne, you are a natural writer whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. To make things worse, you are absolutely beautiful and sexy. Being creative and talented is sexy. There may not be a forever anything but I do hope that you find a long time Witness.
Here - here!
I couldn't have said it better myself (sorry Juniper, I just have a secret fetish about being under a librarian). :) Peace, Jodie
LOL
Thanks for sharing..now i know why they call you "fast girl." :)
It's not the only reason
BABY. Ha! :) Peace, Jodie