Pop psychology lore calls mouth decoration a way for females to attract a mate: leading attention to your face lips is supposed to invite the viewer to consider your downstairs lips. While there may not be such a blatant connection — unless perhaps you've written CHECK OUT MY CRACK on your teeth with lip liner — lipstick-type activity has been around for thousands of years.

According to Professor Hamed A. Ead at the University of Cairo, Egyptian burials from around 1400 B.C. included cosmetics jars filled with red lip gloss made from fat mixed with ochre and/or possibly other plant material. Back then, cosmetic wearing was a must for women and men alike.

Today’s options include red gloss, as well as a glorious cornucopia called more — mattes, frosts, shimmers, sheers, stains, creams, long-wears (a.k.a. cement in a tube, usually a somewhat to very drying base with a mildly to highly shiny topcoat). And then there are the primers and the sealants. Not to mention the balms. And that old standby, Vaseline. And, in a pinch, with no actual product available and a photo op with Shane or a Shane analogue in your immediate future, you can nibble on your own labia (as it were) to bring out their color. Then for shine, wet them with your tongue... or someone else’s.

As far as specific brands go, after having tasted hundreds (thousands?) of lipsticks over the years — mine and others — I can tell you that usually the more expensive ones taste better (MAC everything… oh, that delicious vanilla). But not always (Prada Shielding Balm, BeneFit, Estee Lauder, Lancome and too many more). Usually they have better formulations — not nastily sticky, more consistently saturated (Lorac Sheer Wash lip stain, Dior Addict Ultra Gloss Reflect), but not always (Clinique Glosswear, and, as much as I hate to say it, MAC Lipglass). Usually they wear better (Clinique Almost Lipstick), but not always (Urban Decay Lip Ink). Usually they have better design and packaging (Fresh Lip Shine, Hard Candy Sweet Spot), but not always (Urban Decay XXX Shine, I love you, but PLEASE STOP LEAKING IN MY PURSE).

As always, your mileage may vary, and what wears like a wax museum nightmare on me may give you the lips to end all lips, causing would-be suitor upon would-be suitor to hurl themselves at your feet, begging for just one chance to get next to your precious pout. I know I keep saying this, but really, trial and error is pretty much the only way to figure out what works.

And now, a hair metal paean to lipstick and leather called, strangely, “Lipstick & Leather.”

Because this can get expensive, especially for the confirmed label whore — not that there’s anything wrong with that — if you don’t have any cosmetics-compatible friends around on whom to offload any disappointing purchases, I would like to recommend the amazing swap site MakeupAlley.com. This is THE spot if you have ever wondered what the word on the street is about that fancy Shiseido, the Skincare Protective Lip Conditioner you were considering trying (for the record, it's pretty great — colorless, odorless, moisturizing without grodiness, and, in case you swing that way, about as butch as a silver tube of lip product can get). With millions of reviews and counting, MUA helps you research products and then find folks to trade for them. You can check out each user's swapping history before making a move. And then you get your goods, all for a few dollars’ worth of postage. (That Shiseido dilly retails for $23.50... I'm just saying.) It is a small price to pay to engage in the ancient art of getting people to think about your junk.

Next week: More lipstick! Making the most out of an almost, and teaching your old gloss new tricks.

Stay beautiful,
--Chaia