I didn’t think it was possible, but this week on A Shot at Love 2, the drama ramps up another notch! To start, the 12 remaining M&Ms sit down sans Tila to answer questions on cards so that she can “get to know them better.” Bo claims he would have sex with Tila in front of his parents, and we learn that Crybaby Glitter suffers from a lack of imagination has already fulfilled all of her sexual fantasies. The topic of gay marriage comes up, and Chad rants about how it can only lead to “everyone” pulling a Chuck & Larry. He attacks gay and single parents, arousing Lisa’s ire, and asks her, “Are you gonna teach him to play basketball or football if it’s a boy?” Lisa, rocking the wallet chain, replies in the affirmative. Chad’s cutting retort to the winsome softball coach? “You don’t know what the BLEEP you’re talking about.” Even fucktard Jay has the good grace to look uncomfortable.

Next! It’s the Backyard Bi-Nanza! That’s right. It’s competitive bull ridin’ time. Tila, rocking the assless chaps, picks the teams in an attempt to spare the guys another crushing defeat. The M&Ms mount up, and it’s on! Chad loses his round to sweet, little George. Jay avenges his bosom friend Chad by out-riding Lisa. Finally, Creepy Kyle loses it for his team, who are ordered to cook Tila some chili for supper. The winners head off to “the saloon” for a party, where Tila rides Glitter on the Coochie Couch.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Bo takes charge of dinner, barking orders in the manner of the Hell’s Kitchen guy (if he were on valium). The troops grumble. Back at the saloon, Tila and Michelle make out. Tila decides that nice guy George isn’t sexual enough for her tastes and consoles herself with Sirbrina’s tongue in her mouth.

Tila sits down to a romantic dinner with the M&Ms where Bo styles himself the executive chef and thanks his little helpers. The romantic sound of gnashing teeth adds ambience. Tila finally says goodnight, and Bo escorts her from the room. The M&Ms glare balefully after him. Bo, rocking the hair helmet, woos Tila in front of the fireplace. She coos and makes eyes at him, but when he goes in for a kiss, she offers him her cheek. Denied!

Next! Tila wants the M&Ms to get wet. Pool party! The red plastic cup overfloweth, and as the group’s blood-alcohol level rises, clothing falls by the wayside. Booty shaking, under-waterfall vamping and BOOBIES ensue. Tila appears, scantily clad. Quote of the night goes to Michelle: “That ass is like dangling a steak in front of a dog’s face. You can’t be doin’ that!” Tila gamely allows Chad to paw at her dirty pillows as Bo looks on, his face contorted with the kind of anguish only known to cuckolded reality TV dating show contestants. Then it’s boobies, boobies and more boobies! And oh yeah, baby. The money shot! Three of the Femme&Ms pool pile onto Tila in a good ol’ fashioned, lesbian kissing orgy. The rest of the bunch stares longingly until Jay spirits Tila away. He tries to score a kiss as Tila smiles woodenly and turns her head away. She retreats to Bo’s lap and necks with him until it’s time for the last challenge before elimination…

The Down-Pour Derby! The M&Ms pair off into guy-girl teams of two. They must don a t-shirt, tighty-whities and a headband and then crank on a water pump until a Mousetrap-like contraption spills a bucket of water on their partner. The first team to get mutually soaked wins alone time with Tila. Odd couple Creepy Kyle and Lisa win it!

On their three-way date, Tila and Lisa reminisce about Creepy Kyle: The Early Days. Kyle huffs. Tila takes pity on him and takes him over to the furry, stripper swing. Almost immediately he asks, “Have you ever like, done it on the swing?” Tila is weirded out, but Kyle keeps on trucking, explaining that he lost his virginity to an Asian chick, so he feels comfortable with her body. And he loves “morning sex.” Tila runs far, far away. Lisa’s turn on the swing! Tila and Lisa flirt, play touchy-feely hands and share a kiss that makes Lisa groan with delight before Tila exits, Kyle staring forlornly after the petite Playmate.

Elimination! Bo and Chad are the first to be awarded keys. (Oh, tricksy producers.) Brittany, Kristy, Scotty and Michelle are safe, as are Sirbrina and Jay. Glitter is spared to boohoo another day, and poor, bewildered Lisa seems sure that the last key will go to one of the two remaining guys. But what’s this? Tila surprises Lisa with a key after all, sending both George and Creepy Kyle packing. Kyle’s parting words? “I’m not creepy!” Tila cries as she says goodbye to poor, heartbroken George. In the aftermath, Sirbrina, George and Scotty share a tearful group hug. While comforting Sirbrina, Bo gets heckled by Jay and snarls back. Defending Jay’s honor, Chad whips off his shirt and challenges Bo to a brawl. Chad and Jay finally back off, but Bo-zo-‘Bout-2B-Clowned chases after them. As Chad’s pointy head whips forward towards Bo’s face in a maneuver that would make any male sheep proud, the audience gets left hanging. To be continued…

Next week! Fight! Fight!


TV Week in Review…

Seriously? Grey's Anatomy. Instead of a big, "surprise" kiss in the season finale, we get an awkward, McSteamy-baiting smooch between Callie and Hahn in the Hump-a-vision Elevator? WTF?! If that big, promo'd to hell kiss next week ends up being Hahn and McSteamy, I am going to swallow my own bonnet.

Most Amusing Acronym: How I Met Your Mother. “G-CWOK.” (Pronounced “gee-kwock.”) Meaning a ‘Gay Couple Without Kids.’ But I think it sounds sexier meaning “butch cock headspace g-spot.” As in… "Hey baby. Can I help you find your G-CWOK today?"

Head-Scratcher Moment: Simon Cowell’s bewildering cheering of a severely off-key David Cook this week on Idol. I guess Cowell’s affections have strayed in Brooke’s absence. (Cowell is getting booed? Must be Tuesday…)

Famous Last Words: "I woke up today with a fucking fire in my stomach, like either I'm going to stab somebody or make some amazing food," Top Chef's Andrew, who was soon afterward asked to pack up his knives and go.

Big-Ass, Ass-Kicking News! Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles has been renewed! And all of lesbian geek kind rejoiceth!


To Watch For Next Week

Wednesday! The American Idol season finale! Also noteworthy, PBS is running a documentary about clinical depression tonight, followed by a roundtable discussion with a panel of mental health experts.

Thursday! The two-hour season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, and the aftermath of this week's would-be-lesbo kiss.

 

Boob Tubers. Report! Whachoo been watchin'?