Is it ever spring here. I just spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post about mouth care and kept drifting off into a reverie of lips... full, luscious lips whispering hot, dirty somethings that I can’t quite catch, making me lean closer to hear, closer to touch, closer to... yeah.

Before I end up writing some 600-word hormonal digression on the female form and all its many, many delights, let me just say that along with hands, a well-groomed queer mouth is pretty much the most entrancing thing going. I’m assuming that you already brush and floss and get basic dental care when you can, so let’s skip along to a couple of other care and decoration topics.

The best ways to prevent chronic chapping are drinking enough water, exfoliating regularly and using the mouthal moisturizer of your choice. You can try a fancy (and spendy) exfoliation product like BeneFit’s Lipscription, The Body Shop’s Lipscuff, Smashbox’s Lip Emulsion, Philosophy’s Kiss Me, etc. — there are a surprising amount of these products on the market. I suppose their main appeal is that they’re small and portable, but I’ve never bothered with them. It’s much easier, cheaper and kinder to the environment to simply dab chapped lips with a little balm and then gently scrub them with a warm, wet washcloth. If you need something stronger than a towel, mix honey and sugar, and scrub with that instead. As an added bonus, if you get some in your mouth, it tastes delicious. And it’s a great all-over face and body exfoliant, too. Use brown sugar if you have sensitive skin; add a drop of almond oil if you tend toward dry. Follow your dead epidermal cell removal with another touch of lip balm, and then go lay a big smooch on someone.


Dr. Maria Lopez Howell, DDS, clearly registers her disapproval of Delicious-Lesbian-Kiss-Bottom-Left-Corner’s tongue adornment in this American Dental Association “Dental Minute;” the dentist’s delivery is kind of hot if you dig morally superior professional/mom types and After School Specials. (I am not judging.)

She raises some good issues — the Body Modification Ezine encyclopedia of risks associated with mouth and tongue piercings is comprehensive enough to make even the most holey pause for reflection. As well it should: Abscesses, nerve damage, receding flesh, chipped teet, and blood poisoning are very serious conditions. But if you have the right anatomy for mouth jewelry and patronize a reputable studio for services (no strip malls and ear guns please), you can minimize risk of complications.

My pal Princess Trixie Ginger Studlyballz has enjoyed a decade and counting of successful tongue jewelry wearing. She avoids dental destruction by chewing straight up and down; she wears a very short stud that hugs her tongue closely, thereby eliminating errant tooth-bashings. “I wasted years on cheap models that came unscrewed (to date I have swallowed one ball and one post) until I shelled out the $20 more and got a proper model — two balls, one post — and had it professionally tightened. It hasn't budged in two years,” she reports.

Speaking of screwings, Princess Studlyballz comments that the only time she’s had a problem with her piercing in an intimate moment was when “my then-girlfriend had what could best be described as a ‘pubic mullet,’ and the ball caught in her special lady hairs.” She managed to unscrew the jewelry and extricate herself without administering nonconsensual depilation, “but it was close.” Phew.

Next week: More mouths, no more near-disasters of the genital nature (unless you ask, I guess). There will be lipstick. Until then...

Stay beautiful,
--Chaia