So, all those Dinah photos of Grace's make-outs and particularly Dawn Denbo's sly little vag-grabbing maneuver on a certain Ms. Not-Her-Lover-Cindi got me thinking about hands... Well, it's spring, so any excuse to be thinking about hands, right?

The care and feeding of the queer female hand is, in my opinion, of vital concern. If you've never gotten a professional manicure, I highly recommend it. For about $10 plus tip, it's one of the nicest little luxuries going.

If you've never had one, here's what to expect:
--warm water soak
--nail shaping and filing
--cuticle removal
--surface buffing and oil application
--hand massage (BEST PART EVER)
--quick swipe of alcohol or acetone to remove the oil residue

And then, if you are “that way:”
--polish: base coat, color, top coat

And:
--decorations: wee flowers, jewels…Who doesn’t love a nature scene on a well-shaped nail?

While we're talking about manis, we might as well talk about pedis. The professional pedicure process is basically the same as the manicure one. Additionally, the aesthetician uses what basically amounts to a chunk of sandpaper on a paddle to smooth out rough spots. And you can ask for an extra $5-10 callous treatment to do a truly hearty foot-scraping with dead skin dissolving serum -- gruesome, but it works -- and a single blade razor, or, in some salons, a tiny Dremel.

Masculine people: Don’t be shy. While the nail salon is traditionally a femme domain, more and more often I see the occasional dude getting a good hand and foot grooming. You can do this at home, too, between or instead of salon visits.

Invest in the following basics and you'll be set:
--nail clippers
--nail file
--cuticle nipper
--orange sticks (to clean beneath nails and push cuticles back)
--buffer

If you’re feeling chemically inclined:

--cuticle remover
--callous dissolver

My main source is a small mom-and-pop beauty supply store. But if you don’t have an independent local, Sally will meet your needs.

A note on polish: there are a million different brands out there, but the highly scientific survey of California nail salons that I have been conducting for the past decade-and-a-half reveals that the two labels you’ll see the most frequently in a pro-setting are Essie and OPI. Both brands, while a little spendy, wear well. Essie has a great range of sort of conservative colors -- who knew there were so many shades of baby pink? -- while OPI tends toward the more outrageous, naming their lines after various geographic locations with horrible, punny names: Mauve-ing to Manitoba, Argenteeny Pinkini. As far as the drugstore goes, Wet ‘N Wild has a pretty excellent selection of colors, ranging from mild to not-at-all-mild, and is one of the few cheapy brands I’ve tried that applies evenly without too much streaking (Sinful, I’m talking to you).

This color is called Melon Of Troy. OUCH.

If you’re anything like me, your polish chips with absolutely zero effort on your part, like all it takes is a little motionless inhaling and exhaling for there to be a problem. I don’t mind rocking the punk hands look now and then; but, for a more committed manicure, OPI Chip Skip is seriously where it’s at.

OPI… What don’t they do? Sure, the colors are rendered inaccurate by the Internet, but you can totally waste hours testing them on a virtual hand that may or may not look somewhat like yours.

Bonus link to the Wikipedia link on “squoval,” possibly my favorite beauty term ever.

Polish or no polish, tiny Mona Lisa paintings or no tiny Mona Lisa paintings, well-kept hands are totally the foxiest things going. Promote homosexual activity, and manicure or be manicured today!

Stay beautiful,
--Chaia