So, apparently, a few of you were confused, grossed out and/or frightened by the nature scene nail sculpture lady hand from last week. Personally, I was impressed... mostly because of my own issue with chipping, but also because, when the claw gods are appeased (sooooo rare), I enjoy wearing long natural nails. And, like most of us, I engage in a lot of high-contact, hand-dependent activities – typing, bird-flipping, kindergartener-nephew wrangling and, of course, the one high-contact, hand-dependent activity that was probably on everybody’s mind when they saw that picture. Rest assured, there are ways to fuck painlessly with long nails. Unless you like that kind of pain and, if so, I suggest you skip the next few paragraphs in favor of sharpening your lust object’s talons for them, preferably while on your knees.

The first approach to administering a smooth and easy bone is to slide bits of cotton balls beneath your nails before you glove up. This evens and cushions the distance between fingertip and nail tip, and reduces chances of latex breakage during high-speed action sequences. Alternately, you could substitute a finger cot for the cotton balls beneath a glove – a method I was recently informed of and haven’t yet attempted. I imagine the extra layer would kill the doer’s sensitivity even further, so I’m not super eager to try this out, but if you do, let me know how it goes. In all cases, I highly recommend slicking your digits with a touch of lube before you don the glove; it helps transmit sensation through the rubber and gives that lovely wet feeling to boot.

This is what a gallon of homosexual personal lubricant looks like:


For those of you skipping the gloves, lube up and get your nails in first while pressing the top of your slightly bent first knuckles against the side of the silken love tunnel. Go in with a slow torque, gently rotating your fingers alternately clockwise and counterclockwise as you enter the orifice of your choice. (You already know that the rear door needs the manual equivalent of dinner and a movie first, right? And I wouldn’t recommend skipping the gloves back there anyway, bacteria blah blah, smoother ride blah, etc.) Once you’re inside, be mindful of your angle and concentrate on leading with the pads of your fingertips.

Whatever you decide to do, fucking with long nails is a mandate to slow down (um, or not – see paragraph one) which, as a side benefit, also means making your willing party/ies want what you’ve got even more than they already do. It encourages begging, pleading and other totally hot behaviors.

Before I go take a freezing cold shower, two other nail-related items:

1. Much like well-worn porn, which miraculously rejuvenates itself if you look at it with different music playing, overused nail polish can be revitalized when you pair it with another color. Try a sheer teal over a bright blue or red glitter over deep maroon. You can test combinations on plastic wrap and hold the results over your nails first if you’d like a preview.

2. Want to remove your polish without killing your nails? Massage petroleum jelly, lotion, olive oil, lip gloss, whatever, into your mitts first and then break out the acetone. Instant cuticle saver! Be sure to remove the grease with rubbing alcohol before you repaint or you’ll end up with streaks and bubbles.

In closing, I would like to share this nail art aquarium video. No matter how you feel about long nails, you have to admit that this is nothing short of awesome: