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Sex Talk
April 15, 2008 - 4:05pm — Katie LiedermanTwo summers ago, I had a one-night stand with an extremely tan French drag king who chanted "Oui" on repeat as we fucked. It went a little something like this: "Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui!" At first I tried to ignore it, but it proved to be impossible. She sounded like a four-year-old Rainman on a swing. I stopped mid-way and made up some bogus story about how I really had to iron my dress shirts for the upcoming work week (I work from home).
A couple months ago, I was having what I thought was amazing sex with this Greek butch when suddenly she started shouting "Fuck me! I'm ready! Just fuck me already!"
I was flustered. I didn't know what the hell she meant. Wasn't I doing just that? You name it, I was on it. It was like a three-ring circus up in my dingy crib. I never strap and she knew that (more importantly, she had given me an in-depth speech the day before about how much she loathed strap-ons), and I was at a total and complete loss as to how I could service her in the way she so desired. So, I did what anyone with average lovemaking skills would do to remedy the situation: I started doing everything harder.
"Come on! Please, just fuck me! I want you to fuck me! Do it! Please!"
I rolled off of her and onto my Diff'rent Strokes bedsheets. I stared at the ceiling in silence for a few minutes. Finally, I spoke: "Okay. I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. How else am I supposed to fuck you? What is it that I'm not doing?"
She looked puzzled. "Um, that was just sex talk. You were doing fine."
Have you ever been having sex with someone who says shit that's so strange or unhot that it entirely kills the mood? I have. Whoa, I have. I understand that what is and isn't sexy in the realm of dirty talk is subjective. I know this theoretically. But in my heart of hearts, I can't understand why people say some of the things they do whilst in the bedroom (or gas station bathroom or hammock or Payless utility closet). Isn't there some innate thing that tells us what might be thoroughly off-putting to our partner? Ever notice how all the hottest sex scenes in movies have little to no dialogue? Clea Duvall and Natasha Leon in But I'm A Cheerleader: Hot. No vocals. Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon in The Hunger : Hi! Pretty much. Minimal speech. I'm not saying that you shouldn't say stuff in bed if you want to. Obviously if you want to, and it feels right, you should.
But a slew of comments that flew out the mouth of one alarmingly hot electrician this past December ensured that I personally would never utter a single word in bed again, for fear of horrifying someone in the same way she horrified me.
Call me crazy, but I'm not particularly self-conscious about the way that I taste. I don't need to be told that I taste like candy or whatever the hell people tell the women they're going down on that they taste like so that their insecurities subside. I also am turned off, hard, by ignorance. So a fruity concoction of the two? No thanks. The electrician was going down on me one rainy Tuesday afternoon and, just as I started getting really into it, she pulls back and looks up at me with these lazy sex eyes and says, "Damn, ma. You taste like sweet nectarine."
It was bad enough that she got the phrase – one with Biblical connotations – wrong. "Sweet nectar" is what she was going for. "Sweet nectar," however, is not what came out. It's like in the midst of giving someone head, taking a breather to tell the person that they taste like sun-ripened rasperries or a freshly-picked apple. It's so corny it makes me feel lightheaded. But I was drunk and was able to suppress the wave of nausea that her comment had afforded me and continue having sex. Minutes later, she was wearing her strap-on and and I was on top of her. She swept the hair (read: weave) out of my eyes and whispered against my ear: "Damn, ma. You ride good."
Suffice it to say that that was the last time we had sex. Until then, I hadn't known that sleaze of that magnitude existed. Now, I'm in no way insinuating that I am the authority on all that is and is not hot or sleazy. Take right now, for instance. I'm wearing underwear with cartoon pot leaves smoking blunts all over them. Not hot. But I do know when to put a cork in it. The joys of body language are great and expansive; sex is called the language of love for a reason. We talk all day every day, and it would be nice if once in a while, we could all just shut up and fuck. You know?
- Katie Liederman's blog
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74 Comments
Master the Art
HAHAHAHA its so true but I have the answer to your problem...Its the art of Selective Hearing it works for me
Katie!
OMG! you're talking about something i was so upset about!
I thought it was a french thing or what (i'm french by the way).
One of my ex told me i was good but in a vulgar way "t trop bonne" (hard to translate sorry lol) I was like paralized but i tried to forget it and to act "normally" i mean XD it sucks lol
At this time when i was thinking about it i was like "am i too romantic or too sensitive?"
Happy to see i'm not alone lol
Thanks :)
Haha the only words I would
Haha the only words I would want to hear during sex would be ones along the lines of the reuniting sex scene between Bette and Tina ie: " Spread your legs" "You're so wet" "I just want to F*** you" said in a sultry voice in between ecstacy-eliciting moans.
Otherwise its not the time to have a conversation!
Happy Birthday, Shut UP!
Good read.
I thought you would enjoy this little scenario...
On my birthday, every thrust of my birthday lovin' happened to be syncronized with the words of the "Happy Birthday" song. They sang to me,"Ha-ppy, Birth-day...too...you..."
Immediately, I sent my solicitous shhh's. It stopped. It was NEVER the same for me after that.
CRAZY
Samantha
Boone, NC
i agree
someone in this fucking liberal arts bullshit college would just shut the fuck up and fuck me?
Hilarious
That was awesome, gave me a good laugh.
come to new york.
come to new york.
you mean
like, where I live now? ok. i live in the EV.
But I think we've missed the point
Forget the "sweet nectarine." Perhaps in another situation that would take the cake. But there was something worse. Hasn't anyone else noticed what she was calling you? Consistently. Ma???! Now that's creepy. Seriously. I can't imagine conjuring up my mother, or hers, during sex. Ew. And if we're doing it, I'm not your mother, on any level. Ew, ew!
Yes, I agree with you
That was completely creeping me OUT! :) Peace, Jodie
You should try...
using a ball-gag when they start yapping during sex. I think that's what they're for. If it were me, I would simply use a clean sock, because using a dirty sock would be impolite.
P.S. I love David Bowie.
thats so wrong...
..lmao "sweet nectarine" wtf even if she said it correct it would still be lame and creepy. its so funny but its not, lol.
lol oh katie katie katie
still laughing. its like u took the words from my mouth about the subject. so funny. loved it, keep it up. sweet nectar lmao. imagine she said big mac or cajan chicken or sweet and sour pork.... lol thats so rediculous of me but heck think, that would of been so much worse! sweet nectar lol, where do u find these girls?!
LOL
"It went a little something like this: "Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui!" At first I tried to ignore it, but it proved to be impossible. She sounded like a four-year-old Rainman on a swing."
That cracked me up!! Absolutely hilarious.
Silence is Golden
I truly agree. Nothing is hotter than just plain moaning or heavy breathing with a few incomprehensible sounds of satisfaction. If someone is truly enjoying what's happening, they shouldn't even be able to express themselves verbally. Although, there is the opposite. The crazy screamers. I'm not a fan of them either. Jesus Christ I'm not Disneyland or some bad Horror movie. The worst is when you think you've hurt someone cause they holler so much.
But my only advice for you is that maybe you should date people who's first language is English so they actually understand what they're saying.
I love gouda.
Screamers
I agree. No disrespect to my recent ex intended, but there was one particular occasion in our home about, hmmm, less than a year ago, where it was warm and we had the sliding glass door in our bedroom open, and I could hear our (super nice) neighbors next store, and she just kept getting louder, and Louder, and LOUDER, to the point I felt uncomfortable and was trying to kiss her more just to muffle the yelling/screaming a little. I like words, and noises and such, but jeez ma neez, at a certain point I start to get a little weirded out. But, to each their own. It's just, sometimes I felt like she was so off in her own other-world sexually, and wondered if it had that much to do with ME, or could she have that happen with anyone. I don't know. I just felt like a spectator in our relationship sometimes (didn't happen until later on) or that I was along for the ride sometimes, and not just sexually, but also in our home. When she would have her (supposedly OUR) family over I felt disrespected so many times because of a lack of care or consideration, especially with their children and, ahem, differences in, ahem, cleanliness levels. Sorry for the rant, but I'm freshly broken up! :) Peace, Jodie
Jeez Ma Neez
I think you made my evening with that phrase. :D
:D
beeheheh..me too!!
first of all
that was hilarious and I am sad and simultaneously amused to say that I can relate all too well.
I naively thought that when I left behind the horrors of heterosexual fucking that I would, in turn, escape the curse of bad sex talk... I was so wrong.
Turns out, FOR ME, there is no such thing as good sex talk as of yet... but I think that just varies from person to person. Maybe there are some chicks out there that would love to be told that they... "taste like sweet nectarine." I shudder at the thought.
Talking with your mouth full
It’s really a toss up for me. If it is done right then it can be amazing. My partner and I sometimes talk during about what we want to do in the future. It can be really hot because then we get an idea what really does it for each other, but at the same time at times it has left me wondering things like: “do you want me to do that now?” “Really, wow you would be ok with that?” and sometimes we just end up laughing. This relationship is really the first one where we have done a fair amount of talking in bed. I find that I think that while I do enjoy a good dirty e-mail, im, or text, hell even a phone call. It takes some finesse to pull off good dirty talk in bed. The only thing that I am really not a fan of is being asked a question while my mouth is otherwise occupied.It’s like the dentist expecting a conversation while you are getting a cavity filled.
Liederbabe..
I am soooo with you on NOT talking in bed!
however D Cage has given me a whole thesis about sex talk in bed and how some girls are so language oriented that they must absolutly have it and that even txt messaging will make them come!
Cage also clued me in to the sexy whisper...
I'm afraid to try it becuase I don't know what to say.
Can you imagine if someone whispered in your ear with a mouth full of your own come "you taste like a nectarine"
oh the horrors...
The sexy whisper is supposed
The sexy whisper is supposed to be something like "turn over." The sexy whisper must be a command ofsome sort! It can be a compliment too, i guess. Who knows. I can't shut up in bed. Even if I try.
you could try the
you could try the whispered..."I made myself cum 5 times thinking about you, today."
it worked out for me. acci-dental. lol
"Can you imagine if someone
"Can you imagine if someone whispered in your ear with a mouth full of your own come "you taste like a nectarine"
oh the horrors..."
oh come on ! i think we should'nt adopt a judgment position on the sexual matters ! I'm a little surprise by the tone of some post : people are different (it so basic) and if a sexual behavior is not our cup of tee, i really think we can not say what sex should be or standardize it...
(i agree sex is not the best moment to have a deep (throat) discussion about the trouble encounter during its practice, but it's a myth we can guess erythings the partner desire without a word)
There is personal preferences (speak or silent, moaning or not etc...). I read (in French) an erotic text about the taste of human "fluids", and there have been a large discussion taken place to know if what we eat can influence this taste !
So stop eating Nectarines ;-))
change for garlic
moon baby
i'll tell you what to say (if you know what i mean).
the horrors are right...your turn to share a sex horror story.
p.s. you look straight.
Talking incessantly is one
Talking incessantly is one thing...try moaning to distraction. I'm all for moaning, really I am. But when I can't hear myself think... come on!
Oh, and the sexy whisper done minimally and at an unexpectedly apposite moment is great!
"how some girls are so language oriented"
Ex most recent was not very subtle. She once asked me if I ever shut up. I took the "hint" but it took effort on my part not to talk. (I almost typed "keep my mouth shut" but that would have been inaccurate.)
Your friend,
Rusty
[lesbian humor; what a concept]
+ + + + + + + +
“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
rusty!
you can't say that without providing details! what sort of things were you blabbering on about? and way to be hyper-perceptive and take the hint.
hah!
...funny thought you'd be the silent type.
but i forget you are a writer! and a technical one at that... hummm
Finally someone on my side!
Finally someone on my side! Don't worry Rusty, I've been asked whether or not I ever stop talking too.
When Minnie is not chatty
It's funny that I am chatty most of the time and even talk in my sleep but one of the few times I'm mostly quiet is, guess when. ;-)
lol now a strange image pops in to my head?
D Cage calls G Moon
whispers sexy words over the phone
then
G Moon txt messages to K Liederman
(whats she gonna do?)
mm take pic's / photo's or make a video without sound and passes it on to?
katie -get urself some earplugs
are you sure its the other girls being freaks, not you..;)? not that i know you in person, and your blogs are hilarious, but i'd rather want the person to be herself while having sex with me (even if that involves funny groans or chanting "yes!") than her trying to accord "sextiquette". the only thing that might happen is, that sex talk causes laughter instead of heating things up - but laughter is not a bad thing in bed, isnt it?
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde
GRIND IT
How about being ordered repeatedly to "grind it! Grind it, girl! GRIND IT!"
It's like, kindly stop telling me to grind it. YOU grind it.
Also, drunk on a rainy Tuesday afternoon is great. Ha.
HAHA
OMG... that was such a funny image. "Grind it! Grind it!" How on earth did you even manage to finish that session without bursting into laughter?
Omg, Dutch Master
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! :) Peace, Jodie
strange perhaps ?
but .. i guess I'm one of those people who don't have a prob with some one being either silent or making sound / talk.
Yes there are things i will not do
but i guess I'm to much of a pleaser or control freak what ever you wish to call it(depending on your point of view on some stuff lol) then to worry about a thing like you mentioned.
if that is what gets that person turned on or makes that person happy or more comfortable etc?
fine by me.
lol i guess i get my pleasure not from my self but from how the other person experiences or feels etc.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=65V0x_ATZ9o&feature=related
I think this is appropriate here.
I saw this just the other day. LOL
Coming to Terms
There's a thin line...
Ha!
That was ridiculous! Made me laugh though!
Hahahaha!
That was hilarious, Meffle!
OMG!!!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! Too funny! :) Peace, Jodie
We built this city...
Too FUNNY!!
Did anyone eles catch Papi from L-Word as the 1st friend? Man, she looks good...
YES I did
I was wondering if that was her, cuz she was leaner on the L Word. Come to think of it, EVERYONE gets leaner on TLW. (Right on Leah B!) :) Peace, Jodie
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
ROTFLMAO! Liederman's little French drag king went Oui! Oui! Oui! all the way home. :)
lol... I do, of course,
lol...
I do, of course, think that just the right words, at just the right time, said just the right way, could take a woman over the edge. I think between the body language and the verbal affirmation, it can complete the senses.
But one thing that is not sexy is talking with your mouth full. So if your down, stay down and do what your suppose to do...but by all means, if your woman is going down on you, if you want to talk yourself till climax...talk.
I probably wouldn't really talk during sex for the first time between me and another woman...or I would limit it. Gentle sex talk for making love is hot. Dirty talk during play sex is hot...
But of course, you have to know your partner, to know what words, how and when...
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
hm...........
thats interesting...you have to know ur partner..to know what word,how and when...??? :):):):)
something i have to learn....coz when doing it mostly i cant think anymore...:):):):)
SHOLLY FOR LIFE....
"Tell me, How could i leave beautiful creature like u..?"
Talking
Sleazy sex-talk is really off-putting, but I can have some sort of a "conversation" at some slower points. I blame it on being Gemini, can't be silent for too long ;)
That is hysterical.......
This is why I always keep the "silent" dialogue running in MY head.....lol
Nectarine.....hehehehe
N!k
Heh. Me too.
Heh. Me too.
Talking dirty
Some people are seriously not meant for the pillow talk gig, but with those who show a real aptitude in that department, it can be a thing of beauty. Or at least, hotness.
In fact, I counter "silence is golden" with my favorite lesbo sex scene line ever, from Bound:
VIOLET
I've been thinking about you all day...
There's a porno/sex education film from the SIR Video crew that's pretty much like Talking Dirty 101. Can't remember what it's called, but I tooootally want to see it. Shar Rednour is like, the queen goddess of femme fatale dirty talk.
(Incidentally, as long as we are on the topic of sexy talk, sexy time, butches and strap-ons... Liederman, have you ever seen "Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels"? I would like to compare femmetastic notes on that one with you one some day.)