Grace Moon called me yesterday and said "Cage, can you dirty up the sex up section a little? The OurChart sex bloggers are all in love and talking about romance these days." I don't know what she's trying to say about me but I guess I'll just go with it. I spent my whole queer life in San Francisco where it's normal to have birthday parties at sex clubs. It wasn't until I moved to New York that I realized the rest of the world just goes out for pizza.

Moon and I had a dialogue on OurChart a few months back about thinking in language vs. thinking in images. She likes to get down to it and I like to talk about it. I vaguely remember her saying to me at one point "Cage, I'd never do it with you; you talk too damn much."

Well, fine. I like to talk dirty in bed. I think it's the hottest thing in the world. I don't have a filter so porno speak comes easily to me. I also go for dirty text messages and emails. Oh my god, especially dirty text messages. Dirty text messages make me completely nuts. It's all about the medium. Texts are short so you have to get right to the point. And they always show up at awkward times. That's the best part. If you've ever been having lunch with your friends and gotten a text from your girlfriend that says, "You make my cock hard," then you know what I'm talking about. It's like having public sex. Hot, hot, hot. Seriously.

It's kind of embarrassing to talk in porno speak if you aren't used to it. But it's a total turn-on when you do it right. I know it sounds weird but practice when you're alone. Talking dirty on the phone is good practice too. Phone sex = super hot.

Forget the elaborate scenarios. It's more about the sound of certain words and the way they make you feel. Using explicit language in bed can trigger your brain/body connection and up the intensity of what's going on. Sex is hottest when it's taking place in your head and body at the same time. You can also dirty talk as a way to get someone to do something a little harder, softer or from a different angle. Tread carefully at first. You want to turn her on, not scare her.

If you're usually quiet, make some noise. Oooh, aaahhh, and OhMyGod, will take you pretty far. Describe what you're doing while you're doing it.

Add pet names. I like baby, sugar, daddy, officer, bastard, sir, lover, stud, cocksucker, slut, whore, or bitch. Honestly, many perfectly reasonable people think being called a dirty, cocksucking whore in bed is the most romantic thing in the world.

Don't be vague. Use slang words and choose them carefully. Pussy is always good. Cunt and hole work too. OK, I'm not sure about gash, but hey if you're more advanced than me, run with it.

Here's a crib sheet in case you get tongue-tied. Tape it to the wall or something.

Lady parts: pussy, cunt, snatch, hole, box
Studly parts: prick, cock, dick, rod
Ass: ass, crack, asshole, hole
Boobs: tits, rack, hooters (Totally kidding about that last one!)
Screwing: fuck, ball, bang, shag, stick it in, fist, screw
Oral sex: eat, go down on, lick me, blow me, head, blowjob, suck it

Now string them all together. Pick a pet name, an action term and a body part and make a sentence. You should come up with something like "Stick it in my pussy you slut." Just keep it down so you don't freak out your roommate.