I know I promised Mouthal Care Part two for today, but something happened last weekend that begged for this... let’s call it an interlude.

What happened is that I got skunked. It’s a long story involving a runaway cat, a borrowed Havahartz and a gentleman from Animal Control who told me I had to deal with it myself unless I wanted them to confiscate the trap. Apparently you have to have a permit to attempt any Snoopy Come Home actions in Los Angeles. Curses!

I grouchily rinsed a third round of tomato sauce from my hair, thinking to myself for the 500th time how much I hate my shampoo and why do I still use it and grrr argh rarrrr blah. And then I considered its benefits... benefits enough to keep me buying it although the ledger is about even. And then I started thinking of other love/hate products. I had a long time to think about everything as I scrubbed and scrubbed.

Lush Daddy-O: It’s spendy as all fucking hell ($25 for a 500ml bottle) and it stinks like rancid violets. And yet, it is hands down the best color maintenance shampoo I have ever used, whether my hair is pink, blue, bleached, black or some variation on my natural brown. And it is concentrated, so that $25 goes pretty far. AND it nixed the residual skunk funk. This is seriously my ultimate push-pull product. Every time I finish one foul-smelling, expensive bottle, I vow to switch brands, then consider my fake hair color and turn right around to buy this again.

Vaseline: Is there anything it doesn’t do? It removes makeup, protects cuticles, hydrates ash, seals in moisture beneath lotion, smoothes chapped lips, makes an amazing overnight foot treatment, adds that healthy glow all over, lubes butt toys (or so they say)... and yet, the texture is just so... nasty. And it smells chemical, even the unscented stuff. The results are great, but the process? Lie back and think of England.

Mystery lipstick by Jordana, circa 1998 (?): This probably isn’t fair to include since it’s so old and I may actually have finally thrown it out, but this lipstick was my first love/hate product ever, so it’s getting commemorated regardless. The color is a gorgeous, deep brick with a satin finish. It’s versatile, neutral enough for work and saturated enough to just add gloss for playtime. But it sits in my lip creases like sediment and feathers way beyond my actual mouth, screaming “BEHOLD MY EVERY LINE!!!!!”

After my PQLP (Platonic Queer Life Partner) graciously smelled me to make sure the skunk was all gone, I mentioned my list to her, and she shared hers with me, so here I
share it with you:

Bare Minerals: Lucy calls it expensive, messy and time-consuming (it totally is). But “I look like an airbrushed movie stahh” (she totally does) and “it doesn’t piss off my very delicate epidermis” as long as she follows the directions to a T and cleans her brushes religiously.

The Verilux ClearWave Deluxe Acne Light: “It is surprisingly annoying to have to sit in front of a damn light for 15 minutes. It seems like an hour, I swear,” she says. But the results! She elaborates: “Vesuvius-sized eruptions are quickly tamed, red remnants of Vesuviuses past fade and my pores get all tight and perky. But seriously — 15 minutes in front of a light. I gave up tanning years ago, not just because I am paler than Lestat, but also because it was SO FREAKING ANNOYING to sit still doing NOTHING for so long.”

What about you guys? What are your love/hate products?

Stay beautiful and ambivalent,

--Chaia