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What the Butt?
May 8, 2008 - 7:27am — Gloria Bigelow
What’s with the butt?
I mean, really, if I hear one more lesbian talk to me about the butt, I think that I might… I think that I might… I think that I might?!? Eeh gats!
I don’t know if it’s like the sexy new dance craze, or the bringing back of sexy, or the new belted everything fad inspired by Sex in the City, but there is a new craze out there y'all, and it seems that it’s… the butt... and I’m just not sure what to do about it… or to say about it… or to type about it. Yikes!
Photo. socialitelife.com
From Haiti to Hawaii, it’s been ass out lately. In polite company, with respectable women folk; from intellectuals, educators, artists and others; over a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, drinks at Stonewall, at the soirees and even right after a home-cooked meal — the ass is making it’s way to the stage. It seems it’s all the rage, and I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel about it. WTB!
Yesterday, a friend called me out on my tight ass. Sensing my confusion and tight sphincter, she went the biology route...
“There are nerve endings up there, you know.”
“No, I did not know. I told you I don’t go up there or back there. I’m Catholic.”
“Well, boys, they have a prostate. That’s why they like it so much.”
“I don’t have a prostate, that much I do know; and I didn’t have to go back there to find that out. I told you, I don’t go back there. I’m from Pittsburgh!”
“It’s a mucous-membrane, and it’s self-cleaning. It’s incredible. You just feel very full.”
I tossed back my wine and screeched, “Self-cleaning? Like an oven? Are you kidding me? No! I don’t need a finger in my self-cleaning ass oven. And, full of what? I told you, I don’t go back there. I’m a Libra with a Leo Moon who writes with her right hand!”
I turned to my other friend and gave her the questioning look that says, “You ass too?!?”
She nodded with a shit-eating grin. (Sorry, folks. I just couldn’t resist the shit-eating grin joke. It was just too easy to come by and too hard to avoid.) But, anyway, she too was ass out.
How did these dykes get into the ass anyway?
I’ve always thought of the ass as a gay boy thing. I thought they had the corner on that market — and they could have it as far as I was concerned. Asses are for boys, not girls. I mean, the ass... really?
Even BG, before gay, I would occasionally hear my more open-minded friends talk about anal sex… my hands are shaking as I type that. Anyway, I would hear them talk about it, and I remember having a very strong and not-so-clever come back, “My ass is exit only!” The ass was strictly off limits. I remember watching carefully, my college boyfriend saying, “Hey, what are you doing back there? Make sure you get it right. I don’t want no slip-ups.” I’ve always been a tight ass.
Luckily, I segued into lesbianism with my sphincter intact. I thought, “Now that I’m a dyke, I don’t have to think about the back-there anymore. Lesbians… why would they have to deal with an ass? We have other places to put things.”
I’m a dyke. Ass was for sure off the table. But noooo, here the ass is again. It seems like it’s everywhere I go... It’s in the kitchen, it’s in the bar and it’s in the bedroom. It’s in the blog. I mean, if I hear one more lesbian talk to me about the butt…
I mean, really, if I hear one more lesbian talk to me about the butt, I think that I might… I think that I might… I think that I might?!? Eeh gats!
I don’t know if it’s like the sexy new dance craze, or the bringing back of sexy, or the new belted everything fad inspired by Sex in the City, but there is a new craze out there y'all, and it seems that it’s… the butt... and I’m just not sure what to do about it… or to say about it… or to type about it. Yikes!
Photo. socialitelife.com
From Haiti to Hawaii, it’s been ass out lately. In polite company, with respectable women folk; from intellectuals, educators, artists and others; over a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, drinks at Stonewall, at the soirees and even right after a home-cooked meal — the ass is making it’s way to the stage. It seems it’s all the rage, and I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel about it. WTB!
Yesterday, a friend called me out on my tight ass. Sensing my confusion and tight sphincter, she went the biology route...
“There are nerve endings up there, you know.”
“No, I did not know. I told you I don’t go up there or back there. I’m Catholic.”
“Well, boys, they have a prostate. That’s why they like it so much.”
“I don’t have a prostate, that much I do know; and I didn’t have to go back there to find that out. I told you, I don’t go back there. I’m from Pittsburgh!”
“It’s a mucous-membrane, and it’s self-cleaning. It’s incredible. You just feel very full.”
I tossed back my wine and screeched, “Self-cleaning? Like an oven? Are you kidding me? No! I don’t need a finger in my self-cleaning ass oven. And, full of what? I told you, I don’t go back there. I’m a Libra with a Leo Moon who writes with her right hand!”
I turned to my other friend and gave her the questioning look that says, “You ass too?!?”
She nodded with a shit-eating grin. (Sorry, folks. I just couldn’t resist the shit-eating grin joke. It was just too easy to come by and too hard to avoid.) But, anyway, she too was ass out.
How did these dykes get into the ass anyway?
I’ve always thought of the ass as a gay boy thing. I thought they had the corner on that market — and they could have it as far as I was concerned. Asses are for boys, not girls. I mean, the ass... really?
Even BG, before gay, I would occasionally hear my more open-minded friends talk about anal sex… my hands are shaking as I type that. Anyway, I would hear them talk about it, and I remember having a very strong and not-so-clever come back, “My ass is exit only!” The ass was strictly off limits. I remember watching carefully, my college boyfriend saying, “Hey, what are you doing back there? Make sure you get it right. I don’t want no slip-ups.” I’ve always been a tight ass.
Luckily, I segued into lesbianism with my sphincter intact. I thought, “Now that I’m a dyke, I don’t have to think about the back-there anymore. Lesbians… why would they have to deal with an ass? We have other places to put things.”
I’m a dyke. Ass was for sure off the table. But noooo, here the ass is again. It seems like it’s everywhere I go... It’s in the kitchen, it’s in the bar and it’s in the bedroom. It’s in the blog. I mean, if I hear one more lesbian talk to me about the butt…
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117 Comments
ass
I laughed my ass off reading your post!! Your excuses were the greatest.
So, since I'm ass-less, you should call me. I'm totally safe.
I'll kiss your ass, make an ass out of myself, kick ass, but I won't ass up.
Brit
what??
what does being a lesbian really have to do with the type of sex you like or should like? It's whatever gives you satisfaction
HalfcrazyHalfimperfect
Lesbian only has one
Lesbian only has one definition that I know of and that is sexual attraction to females ONLY.
Your excuses for not being
Your excuses for not being into it totally cracked me up. As a longtime big city resident, cat parent, and avid recycler, I am pro back door action.
shock me...
just shock me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i loved her nuts... my hero flattened in disgrace.. squirrely.
http://www.ourchart.com/node/400573
2 each of their own
Hello,
As long two consenting adults agree than who am I to knock them? Hey, enjoy and get off or what ever.
For me, its an exit and not for anyone to mix up the salad.
I do not toss the salad either.
Have to those enjoy it.
Eager Student
Life is short for drama and let's enjoy life as best as we can.
WOW! I Love da ASS!
I don't stick anything in. I love to gently bite,lick and suck my lady's ass. I don't know why! It just turns me on!!!
love...
Gloria Bigelow
love that you can say what you like. that's hot!
it's just my way!
I got 2 be me!
Ass Master
This remindes me of a funny story. O.K. this one time me and my best friend went to a party. The party was being thrown by a young woman who was the president of the lesbians association at her college. This young women invited alot of very butch lesbians from her association. This hostess(not much of one if you ask me) began to take exstacy. The hostess suddenly gets very horny and starts gettin all hot and heavy with a dude. They slipp off into a room with a few other men and women. All of the young lesbians are totally freaked out they thought she was a total dike, and they are concerned that she may be cohersed into somthing because she is under the influence. I agreed and I ask the rooomate of the hostess (who is a the freind who invited me to the party)if the hostess is OK and is this normal. My freind(the roomate)informs me that yes the hostess does take an exstacy sometimes because "she likes to get bent so she can get bent-over, backdoor entrance."She goes on to tell me,"She likes it in the ass and eventhough she is lesbian and only dates women she cant seem to find any women who want to do and have it done. So she figured that to use a man as a stud for anal is acceptable because at least they(men) like it and want it. She considered herself a sexually liberated lesbian." Well the lesbian freinds are very uppset at seeing their gay hostess get freaky and then go in room with a man. I found the hostess timing in very poor taste and I was upset at the fact that people were using drugs. The roomate of the hostess tells the lesbians kind of whats up and assures them the hostess is safe. I tell my best freind whats really going on with the situation and she decides to have some fun and antagonize these ladies. Now my best freind starts talking about anal sex with the butch girls. She even pulled out a photo of a man's thick member pluggin away at a chicks ass(even I was shocked she carried this around with her). Now ass far as anal sex goes this picture was pretty F'in hot. She passed it around and all the dikes squirmed and sqeemed. My freind being a big mouth decides to tell them that anal is why their freind is in there with that guy because he likes ass and she likes gettin it in the ass. She went on to say that if you had tried anal sex and didnt like it, that was because somebody didnt do it right. WOW, let me tell you that night a few prudish women just learned that they needed to step their game up if they where going to compete in the arena of fufilling sexual desires. Not to say that i agree with this hostess having shocked her guests with drugs and sorid sexual exploits. But I do think that lesbians are too uptight about getting anal, I think they should relax and Master The Ass.
ass
i like getting it. as for ass play, if you're really into a person, you wanna be all up in every part of them. if you're not, then you don't. it's as simple as that.
oh my god it's quite a
oh my god it's quite a religious conception of desire!
At least you can drink wine and eat the beloved !
Anal sex dating anyone?
I've never tried it and have no desire to! But hey, if its what gives you pleasure then go for it!
I think the Gods are trying to tell me something though... on my profile where that list of google ads are at the bottom... it ALWAYS comes up with "Analsex dating"! WTF is that? I never knew there was a SPECIFIC type of dating site just for analsex!! What will they think of next?
Don't try to get behind on a Pitt girl
I agree, I'm a Pittsburgher, and
being a yinzer = no back door
what you know about the burgh?
Gloria Bigelow
all stillers and terrible towels, sammiches and front door.
where are you from? i'm from the north hills...mt. lebanon
So a month later, when I stumble upon the existence of
the 'comment replies' button...
Okay so i'm lame and didn't realize you even commented on my comment till now actually, whoops...
And I hope you won't be mad, I'm actually just a faux-yinzer (or one just as of last year), but this is probably the first time in my life I've actually enjoyed where I lived, which is in cute little Squirrel Hill.
There's actually some BLTG things to do here (I like to say BLTG like the blt sandwich and also bi's are first in this version of the acronym), which I'll name some now because this is OurChart and the sort of thing that should be discussed here. I don't know if it's different since you lived here; it seems like the BLTG scene is slowly but surely emerging. I've only been to a couple lesbian bars so far, like Cattivo; it seems pretty popular in the missed connections on craigslist. And Operation Sappho is fun, this monthly lesbian dance thing that straight guys always come to b/c our lesbian scene here is not mean enough to kick them out or something. And this middle eastern coffee shop called Your Inner Vagabond has bi-weekly bi nights (which almost no one shows up for except the owner and a few dedicated bi's). I guess the other bi's of Pittsburgh are too busy being lesbians...just kidding, they probably just don't know or don't care or are too afraid to come out, or they are out at the lesbian bars, which is cool and what I like to do after I'm bored at bi night because not that many bi's showed up.
Then there's Persad, whose tables pop up all over the place, and apparently they're the second oldest BLTG organization in the US...here, in Pitts., of all places. Who Knew? (also the name of a retro mod store owned by this gay couple who argue over fabric selections in public (one of them is in the circus and the other is a culinary professor).
And due to house tours, Persad events, and just randomly (aka inviting myself into a stranger's house), I've been inside three of the most contemporary of gay men's houses of pgh (for example, 'smart house:' http://www.post-gazette.com/homes/20040124mtwash0124p1.asp)
And there's this Dozen Cupcakes place that has lesbian bingo nights (well, just bi bingo for me), and I won a copy of Beaches, and then there was a super envious girl who was really sad she didn't win it, and so I gave it to her and got a box of cupcakes instead.
Happy ending.
So it's fun for now until I get tired of how small this city is and how if you date even just one person, you're going to run into them everywhere no matter what, or if you don't actually run into them, someone you are with will talk about them. Oh the joys of living here, did you find it fun too?
I love my girl friend's ass
and whatever I can do to bring her some pleasure, well, the pleasure is mine.
I was put off before I tried it, but thick lube, gloves and desire make it super hot, and a little education can keep it safe.
Thanks for the article... I like your voice and you made me laugh out loud.
Asses are nice butt....
only to gawk at when it's firm and has shape. I'd be more than willing to kiss an ass (I think you might know in which way I mean this) butt ..... that's as far as it goes with me. I don't want anything near my asshole and I certainly wouldn't want to be the asshole for trying something at that end on anyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm sorry I made you cry but at least your face is cleaner"
"If you won't leave me alone, I know someone who will"
"If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me"
Speaking about butts.
Let’s do a little bit of prevention here….
The general recommendations for screening for colon cancer include fecal occult blood testing, flexible sigmoidoscopy or colonoscopy after age of 50 for a person with average risk or 40 for a person with higher risk.
Further information: http://www.emedicinehealth.com/colon_cancer/page9_em.htm
Askyourdoctor & Eatyourvegetables
I'll knock it!
I feel the same about Ass fucking as I do fisting. I'd run the other way if a girl wanted to do it to me. If she loved it, and wanted me to do it to her, no dramas, I'm willing to please my chicky babe.
I can knock it - I've tried it - once, and boy oh boy, I'd rather feel malnourished than "full" thanks very much!
malnourished than "full"
Gloria Bigelow
teeheehee- that's funny!
Wow, I just had 10 people
Wow, I just had 10 people tell me not to leave, thanks everyone. I'm feeling the love. :)
eleven
:)
Twelve! ;)
PUMA'S FOREVER
BUBBA LOVER
BETTE:"What are we doing?"
TINA:"Shhhhhh"
Thirteen.... ;} always a lucky number...lol
Peace
Tesser
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and proudly proclaiming, 'Wow! What a ride!!! Next!!!!
"What, What, in the Butt?"
is a hilarious song by Samwell -- with a techno-magic video on youtube, which all of ye should see.
Yup, Yup
I've always loved that song
(It's not really the This-song's-so-beautiful-it-makes-me-cry-every-time-I-hear-it type, but is under the WTF-this-F*cking-rocks-for-some-reason variety)
It's been stuck in my head for AGES now.
Every time I hear it, I just wanna be that stereotypical 70's gay guy with a handle bar mustache who seduces twinks on a regular basis -.-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If it were possible for me to love you, I would love you for forever.
i have the
unsettling suspicion that butt haters, out number butt lovers here... :( *snif*
when we are sooo repelled by our own body part, there is something amiss.
and sushi used to be something westerners wouldn't eat, and now we've just about put the tuna population on the endangered species list.
ass is beautiful and that's all I'm saying.
Grace, I'd like to love the asshole in *that* way but when
its' function is for defecating there's something unappealing about it to me. Just seeing that sphincter and knowing it's used to release excrement .... well, no thanks! This is about the most shittiest conversation I've had on OC.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm sorry I made you cry but at least your face is cleaner"
"If you won't leave me alone, I know someone who will"
"If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me"
I must admit...
I find it a bit disheartening that on a lesbian website, so many of these replies put me in mind of the arguments intolerant heteros use to justify their homophobia towards gay men.
And if I might add crushing
And if I might add crushing the spirit of women and men who are seeking freedom in what pleasures "them" only to feel judged as gross and shocking to those who obviously need to be set free themeslves.
Listen to the Diana cage show,that should knock the barnicles off some of these old boats.Beyond that try leaving that comfort zone so many seem to like measuring the world from.
Hi Julia - I certainly hope you don't think that my own
personal intolerance of the butt issue has anything to do with what I think of others who view it differently. It's not a judgment of others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm sorry I made you cry but at least your face is cleaner"
"If you won't leave me alone, I know someone who will"
"If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me"
i agree
Gloria Bigelow
do what you like, go where you like, butt what you like...isn't that an old hip-hop lyric hmmm, do what you like, anyone?
Oki think the point is that
Ok
i think the point is that the argument given by anti gay, fundamentalist and so and to fight sodomy, is that it is not "natural" and that the asshole has not been created or this function; i don't say you're one o those narrow minded activists, but the fact is that you use the same position to defend your point of view with other aims.
I fight with extremist christians on one of their website, and ask them why if sphincter had not been created to be penetrated, why they use mouse for blow jobs or even simply kiss (as mouth has not being created for this purpose) ? the only answer was to delete my message !
What i would really want to say, is that, personnally i'm not to appealed with anal sex, but i try to be aware of the cultural dimension that constructs our representation, oriented it and filtered it : i mean, education is also a discrimating and norming process : don't put your finger in your nose, don't touch shits and so and.
I work every day to deconstruct in my mind this kind of ideologic statement, i mean i won't use the argument of natural function because i know it can used "against" the ass users, but it doesn't make me use my anal circle into sex, at least it is a full conscious well assumed and moving decision (i don't know maybe one day i will...). But i confess i get some unguilty pleasures in toilets on the throne, don't you ?
grace :)
i think i'm in love with you hehehehe
if i weren't thousands and thousands miles apart... i'd certainly ask you out ;) butts or no butts... you just crack me up!
:D
Gloria, I don't know if it's
Gloria, I don't know if it's your upset or a poor editor, but I couldn't help but notice several grammatical errors in this. It upsets me much in the same way that anal sex upsets you, if not more.
Umm...
"I don't know if it's your upset or a poor editor"
Umm I couldn't help but notice that the above sentence is constructed with very poor english. I think you meant "I don't know if its because you're upset or a poor editor"
Anyway, I thought I would just rephrase the question right backatcha ;)
P.S I'm just playin' with ya :)
Actually, it's grammatically
Actually, it's grammatically safe - I was referring to the upset that belongs to Gloria affecting her grammar, not the fact that she is upset doing the same.
Thank you for your vigilance, though. It is very important to check back on these things, after all!
Oh! Hahaha. I just re-read
Oh!
Hahaha.
I just re-read the sentence in the manner that you intended it to be read and it did infact make some sense!
My mistake ;)
speaking of anal...
speaking of anal...
do you iron your jeans too?
Ha! No, no, I'm afraid not.
Ha! No, no, I'm afraid not. Luckily for my anus I only get this uptight about *genuinely important* things, leaving me able to have as much anal sex as I wish.
Ass
NO the ass is NOT for sex(not mine anyway)but hey to each her own.I know what I like and it ant up the ass.Thats just me.
two words...
thai beads.
think there's something inherently sexy about a lover who has no boundaries when it comes to giving pleasure...
but i guess the other side of that is respecting others' boundaries.
seems that a fearless approach is somewhat necessary on the sexual journey, in order to totally evolve.
but i know the trust has to be there too ... have to earn the freedom to experiment.
"Baby Got Back"
Gloria..............You are so right on.
After reading how upset some readers are, I think I'll just play with my own ass.
No visitors allowed.
Peace ;-)) " I like big butts and I can not lie"
What is going on here...said in my kind of whinny upper register
Gloria Bigelow
I've been away from my computer all day and I check in at the end of the night and all of this is going on...hmmm. I didn't get the make it sexier, or talk about sex more talk from anybody. this blog was based on a conversation that I had literally yesterday in the living room of a dear friend, while eating curry chicken and drinking two buck chuck. the conversation was then continued on the sofa of my lady friend and i went to sleep with it on my mind and woke up in the morning and started typing...not for the shock value... not for the laughs even... but more of a way of venting and perhaps for illumination and even to see if i was the only one out here on the ass-less isle. perhaps i should toughen up...
Explanation not Necessary
Gloria, you are a fabulously witty writer.
There is no need to explain... people like what they like and if they are not feeling this then well I am sure there is an ass-less article they can read. Or better still they can try stringing a couple lines together see how easy it is.
"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself"
The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran
The Catholic Libra with a Leo Moon
who writes with her right hand from Pittsburgh hit a home run with this blog. I probably would have passed on it except it was very funny. I think some people were looking to stir up some shit. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
Your friend,
Rusty
[lesbian humor; what a concept]
+ + + + + + + +
“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Ms. G.
Baby........ No need to explain. You are fabulous !! Even if it was for shock value or laughs, who cares......... it's real.
Those who don't want to read the ass talk; I'm sure that there's an unfinished crossword puzzle somewhere you can do.
Now......... EVERYONE, grab your ass !!!!!!!
I almost never comment on
I almost never comment on anything on OurChart. I mostly read everything here. I personally think that it is a very informative website which has a very wide range of bloggers who write about how to handle finances to how to sex your woman and all the good stuff that comes with it.
Are you trying to say that the great work of Grace Moon (who by the way is intelligent and hot, and so down to earth) is not appreciated on here for the work she does, not to mention the others? These women are doing a great job and we all should be thankful as lesbians to have such a place to come to to feel a sense of belonging.
One thing I have noticed about this website is that anytime Mitch McEwen writes about the economy and finances I see very few people responding to it, but let some other blogger write about sex and everyone jumps at it. I have nothing against anything sex relatedwritten on this website. The point I am trying to make is that, we have choices as to what we want to read and like somebody else said, if it grosses you out just dont read it.
GloRiA BiG is my GF and dont you mess with her. Just Kidding about the GF thing.
Dizzy
homemade word play or french
homemade word play for french readers :
art is anal !