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Why I Would Bed Hillary Clinton In A Minute

I woke up panting, sweating and altogether too wet for words.

I quickly opened my eyes and looked around like a kid who had just stolen something. Did she feel me tossing and turning? Could she decipher the dirty talk under the mumblings and guttural groans in my dream?

A sigh of relief... she was still fast asleep next to me, and my dog was still asleep at my feet and I was still in my bed in my raggedy Spelman t-shirt and boy shorts and not in the Oval Office underneath Hillary Clinton.


This was my second Hillary Clinton sex dream this week. I always wake up the same way: panicked, sweating and wanting like hell for her to be the President.

On Tuesday night after her win, I dreamt that we had met on Friday night at Henrietta Hudson’s. I was wearing a turquoise kind of low-cut and clingy shirt and jeans, and she was wearing a pink, very-well-tailored and smart-looking pantsuit. I plopped myself down at the bar stool and pulled out an American Spirit cigarette from my purse, gave a little shoulder and asked, “Do you have a light?” I batted my eyelashes. She leaned over to me in a sort of Cary Grant kind of way and said, “I don’t smoke.” And she sexily took the cigarette from my mouth and said, “and neither should you, sweetie. I believe in universal health care that covers every American, so you’d be covered should you develop a nasty smoker's cough. But, more importantly, you don’t want the smell of cigarette smoke in your long, cascading dread locks, do you?” She smirked. I noted the attention to the details of my hair and, instantaneously, my clothes fell off; and we were on top of the bar, and it was all hands, lips, lapel pins and flying hair.

I woke up panicked, sweating and wanting like hell for her to be President, and vowing to stop watching election coverage on CNN at least two hours before bedtime.

On Friday night after an Earth Week celebration, where we took turns taking shots of tequila out of paper cups that were made from recycled Harry Potter books and toothbrushes, we planted a tree on my treeless street in Brooklyn. I rolled into bed exhausted. Shortly after my head hit the pillow, I found myself as a gardening intern at the White House. I was wearing a kelly-green beret and a gardening apron made out of dandelions and recycled hemp. Hillary came out into the garden. The eager intern that I was, I approached her with a barrage of ideas of how I wanted to make the garden better. She looked me in the eyes, caressed my face and said, “You’re just here digging in the dirt with your bare hands. You have to have the proper tools for all of that digging, darling. How about you start with a shovel and a hoe?” She then whipped out a strap-on and said, “I’ve never used one of these, but I’ve done some research, just in case.” Then, she fucked me in the garden. It was incredible. She was the most detail-oriented lover that I’d ever had. She didn’t miss kissing not one part of my soil-covered body, and girl oh, girl could she work that strap on.

Again, I woke up panicked, sweating and wanting like hell for her to be the President, and vowing to never go to bed with dirt under my nails again.

The reasons that I have for wanting to bed Hillary Rodham Clinton are the same reasons that I think that she will make one hell of a President. She’s not into giving up; she’s a fighter. I love a woman who will fight for me and stick around to try to work it out. Also, she knows things and pays attention to detail. She’s not going to hope that I have an orgasm. She’s gonna work like hell to make sure that I do. And if she doesn’t know, best believe she will find her ass in Oscar Wilde Bookshop on Christopher Street, readin’ up on the “50 ways to make her cum.”

Now granted, she may exaggerate or maybe even outright lie one day. I can see her saying, “Sure, baby, those stretch marks are just about your time and experience in life; and of course your gray pubic hair don’t look like you’ve got Don King in a headlock. It’s sexy.” She will say things like this, and I will kiss her and overlook her little gray lies.

Does anyone have the number to the residence in Chappaqua? Anyone know when she’s coming back to New York? I’ll be at Henrietta’s waiting.

118 Comments

Sucky CNN

CNN headlines today:

"Obama sweeps N.C.; Clinton ekes out Indiana"

and then they close out the ability to comment!

i confess

i also find myself checking out hilary... hmm.

wow

Really Funny! Made me just the teensiest bit ill thinking about Hilly that way but chuckled out loud none the less.

still laughing

Gloria - that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time !! Keep the dream alive.

GO HILLARY

*falls off chair*

wow...this is hilarious...I needed a pick me up and I got it :)

wow...this is hilarious...

wow...this is hilarious...

Hehehe...

Bloody hell Gloria. Now this is funny...

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself"
The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran

Thanks to the Evil Cow

for her posting of some very good news links. Here's a frontpage story from CQ Politics:

Obama Strategist Has Family Ties to Earmark

Did you read that article?

It's about Axelrod, Emanuel, and Murtha. There were three mentions of Obama's name, all on the first page of a 3-page article.

Here's something else from CQ Politics this morning:
Joe Andrew, superdelegate and former DNC appointee of Bill Clinton, switches to Obama
.

Joe Andrew's argument a bit pathetic

J.A., superdelegate, was "impressed with Obama's handling of the controversy surrounding his former pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright."

"He has shown such mettle under fire," Andrew said in the interview. "The Jeremiah Wright controversy just reconfirmed for me, just as the gas tax controversy confirmed for me, that he is the right candidate for our party."

Mettle under fire?? Obama merely followed Karl Rove's advice immediately, right after it was published:

Karl Rove: My Advice for Barack Obama

Superdelegates elect people

His argument doesn't matter; his vote does.

Hey Gloria - saw you with

Hey Gloria - saw you with Hilary on YouTube - even if you've seen this one before - worthy watching again - cute disguise!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOTAfGuLA-0

LOL

This is hilarious! Gotta love MadTV.

author

oh my gosh

Gloria Bigelow

oh my gosh...that's a hysterical, shitty mess! thanks for sponsoring my laughter this morning.

Oh my

I can not stop laughing at those dreams...LOL too funny Glo.

Thanks Gloria, for the great piece, er...

... um, you know what I mean, you really nailed it, er... (Sorry, I had to get these outta my system!)

This blog really made me laugh out loud because not only were you able to capture some of our Hillary's best qualities (you KNOW she would have read the "50 ways" book cover-to-cover, including footnotes) but did so while being completely bawdy. Good job!

I must admit I never really thought of Hillary in 'that' way, but I will blush the next time I see her in a well-tailored pink pantsuit; and if we should be so fortunate as to see her get to the White House, I'll have to smile every time she gives a press conference in the Rose Garden, "Oh Madame President?" "Madame President?!

I'm just worried now that Fox Not-News will get hold of this and make it look like this actually happened. (You know, they make up half the sh*t they say anyway!) Nah, that's too far-fetched, even for them...

Funny blog, thanks for the laugh just when I needed it!-----TW

P.S. Oh, and great picture too. I'm so tired of the MSM picking her worst possible photos to put on their covers while making Obama look like a saintly, god-like creature! Tx!

Wow!

Thank you so much Minnie, for the link to this absolutely FABULOUS web site!!

My favorite video so far... Maya Angelou backing Hillary and reading/dedicating one of her poems to her.

Really, this site is a treasure trove! Thanks again.----TW

author

thank you

Gloria Bigelow

loved it...just took a break from watching videos to say thank you- this is great!

I had a dream, too . . .

I dreamt that I went to get into bed with Hillary, but when I got there, there were already hundreds of contractors from the Department of Defense in line ahead of me turning her out. All the lobbyists from healthcare and Big Oil were fighting over who got to give it to her next. Then, as the lobbyists passed me on their way out of her room, they gave it to *me* up the a$$.


Oh, wait . . . that's actually happening to me every day when I go to get gas at the pump or get food at the grocery store or get prescription drugs at the pharmacy.

And I turn to Hillary and say, "Damn, woman; again??"

On a related note, holy cow, this book is so good; check it out:
The Complex - How the Military Invades Our Everyday Lives

Evilcow's Nightmare...

Wanna' see something really scary? Watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwSNp5XXtBs

It gets even more frightening here...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfVgud2eeJ0

O c'mon Rossi...

I KNOW you have better links than these...!

What... you didn't like that

What... you didn't like that one, Minnie? Okay, how 'bout this one. Clinton adviser caught on video, calls people of Indiana "Worthless White..."

http://www.youtube.com/v/3eykzDiKD8g

Valentina

You gotta come to Cali so we can hang. :) Peace, Jodie

Trembling--with laughter literally

Those are fantastic. Where o where did you find them? That is, in fact, pretty close to my nightmare, except in my nightmare there'd be way smaller tatas. (She prayed and God gave her *something*, yes indeedy!) Rossi, you nailed it; you understand me. I so owe you for these videos; I'm going to give this woman some play.

You know what, I've changed my mind. This woman's convinced me I've been wrong about everything. My vote for Pres is going to her.

OMFG

"We all KNEW" WTF?! Yep, yer right EC, she cleared it allllll up for me too. FUG, I will pro'ly have nightmares about those tits tonight, gawd--DAYUUUM!!! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! :) Peace, Jodie

lol im laughing my ass off

lol
im laughing my ass off

huh?

hillary's the one who wants to get rid of tax breaks for oil company's and invest in green energy and jobs. contractors? no one's benefitted more from this war than halliburton and cheney. and obama's the one who's been talking about pakistan and iran all along. and when they're not giving their money to her, they're giving it to someone else anyway. why don't you put the blame where it belongs on opec and people who bid up oil futures in order to make a buck.

and from what i remember, she's the one who fought for healthcare in the 1990's when no on else had the balls to. the system's the problem, not one senator from new york.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The "people who build up oil futures in order to make a buck" are the ones who propagate a system wherein politicians aligned with the war machine make profits from oil consumption. The Pentagon burns through 365,000 barrels of oil every day [citation], and the same companies funding Hillary are the ones profiting off the Pentagon's excess.

No money for Exxon? No money for Hillary!

Don't believe me? Hillary's presidential financial disclosure report shows:

*Stock in Exxon Oil and BP Amoco at $50,001-$250,000.

*Stock in pharmaceutical companies GlaxoSmithKline ($50,001-$100,000), Pfizer ($100,001-$250,000), Lilly, Eli & Company ($50,001-$100,000), and United Health Group ($100,001-$250,000).

*Stock in Wal-Mart ($100,001-$250,000).

*Stock in Yahoo! ($100,001-$250,000).

*Stock in Rupert Murdoch's NewsCorp (how gross is that? at $100,001-$250,000).

The Clintons' tax returns, released earlier this month, showed their income jump from $350,000 in 2000--their final year in the White House--to $16 million in 2001, their first year out of office. So yeah, she did fight for healthcare in the early 1990s. Something's changed since then in a big, big way, you see?

In 2007, Derrick Z. Jackson wrote in the Boston Globe that Hillary was among the top ten senators to receive funds from defense contractors in the 2006 election cycle. Clinton even slipped 26 earmarks into the defense budget to direct funds to specific pet projects without review.

As you can see from her stock portfolio alone compounded by her financial history, Hillary Clinton is absolutely profiting off the misery of the American public--Big Oil gouging gas prices, unequal and unaffordable access to medicine, corporate conglomerates that squash unions, search engines that censor, and propaganda networks that spend most of their time smearing her and her party.

Follow the money, and not her rhetoric. You'll see where her motivations lie.

As for OPEC, forget OPEC! This country's addicted to oil, and we need to detox fast. Um, Hillary's not helping.

Oh EVILCOW, Where Do I Begin?

Your post is a perfect example of so much other misinformation, half-truths and spin that is swirling around Hillary and the Clintons these days, and frankly has been ever since Bill Clinton took office in January of 1993.

To begin with, if you are going to quote a source like Hillary's supposed "presidential financial disclosure report", why not at least say WHERE you found this info so that it can be verified? Anyone can mock up a PDF file, send it off on the web and say, "Here, this is Hillary's financial information". I'd like some actual proof please.

But in fact, those stock holdings you quote are completely MOOT anyway for two major reasons: 1) The Clintons didn't know what was in their stock portfolio because their stocks were held in what's called a 'blind trust', and 2) as soon as they found out which stocks were in their portfolio (as was required when Hillary began her run for President), they SOLD ALL their stocks in May of 2007, even though they weren't legally required to do so! This was to avoid even the slightest possibility of any conflict of interest, and they took a significant financial loss in doing so.

To quote the New York Times, 6/15/07, (link below): "In 1993, Mr. Clinton complied with federal ethics rules and created a qualified blind trust to hold and invest the family’s assets. Under the rules, public officials must disclose their assets at the time of the creation of the trust, and then hand off day-to-day management of the trust and its investments to an independent trustee. Officials who set up blind trusts are not aware of, nor do they have influence over, the investments chosen."

This makes sense because elected officials cannot then have any undue influence on any policy that would affect their stock holdings in any way. In 2001, when Hillary was elected to the Senate, she changed their previous presidential blind trust over to a Senate blind trust.

Here's the link to the above-quoted NYT article entitled, "To Avoid Conflicts, Clintons Liquidate Holdings": http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/15/us/politics/15clintons.html?_r=1&oref=...

Next, you describe the Clintons' jump in income after his last term as some kind of evil unto itself, inferring that they were involved in all sorts of nefarious dealings. In fact, like all presidents who leave office, the Clintons made the bulk of their post-presidential millions from large fees paid for Bill Clinton's speaking engagements. The rest of their income from 2001 on has been derived from book revenues from both their books' sales, a large portion of which (especially from Bill Clinton's book "Giving", ironically) were donated to charity.

All this is amply documented in the above-quoted NYT article, but if you need a second source, here's another article from an AP news writer:
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8PPD3781&show_article=1

To quote this article, "As a presidential candidate, Senator Clinton was required to make her assets public. As a result, she had to dissolve her blind trust. Upon its dissolution, she and the president chose to go above and beyond what was required of them and liquidate their assets in order to avoid even the hint of a conflict of interest."

The fact is, if you had cared to find out the TRUTH of the Clintons' finances, all you had to do was Google them and find twenty such articles just as I did, (and could have quoted all of them here if space had permitted).

Instead you chose to manipulate half-truths in order to support your obvious animosity for Hillary, as clearly shown in your statement, "As you can see from her stock portfolio alone compounded by her financial history, Hillary Clinton is absolutely profiting off the misery of the American public".

Wow, EVILCOW, words fail me... To put this politely, you don't have a leg to stand on, and to find this kind of dissemination of misinformation in a women's forum is deeply troubling to me. I would expect this from Fox News or the same folks that brought us the Whitewater investigations, but not here.

Remember Whitewater? The GOP goons wasted five million of our tax dollars trying to find ANY financial wrongdoings by Hillary and came up with a big, fat, nothing. The same nothing as your arguments against Hillary here...

Thank you Traveled...

Thanks for jumping in with intelligent clarification.

Geez, I feel more than a little red-faced for not questioning the info in the PDF...I, who digitally manipulate everything and question most things.

Have been listening to Hillary podcasts today and the woman is a thoroughbred politician. For those who don't know how to find podcasts, do this:

Open Itunes. Click on Podcasts (left side menu). Click on search (right side menu). Type Hillary in the description box. Choose Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's Podcast. Just listen or download to keep. (Gloria, these might be nice "bedtime stories" for you...!)

I love the mock outrage

That PDF is an FEC filing. You can find it at the FEC or on your CNN.

If the Clintons couldn't know what was in their blind trust, how'd they know to liquidate it? The FEC brought it to her attention mid-2007 because of FEC rules. So they liquidate the stocks rather than reinvest (also from the New York Times: to the tune of $5 million) in Summer 2007, and then Hillary lends her own campaign $5 million in Winter 2008 to get out of debt. Teehee! And she's still in debt! :o

Your articles are from mid-2007. She didn't disclose anything about her finances until 2008. It's only a summary, because they filed for an extension while they "wait for more information."

"Wow, EVILCOW, words fail me..."

Banish the thought! ;)

No Mock Outrage Here...

... it's actually the real deal. Nice specious comeback though - if you can't make a good argument, then try to make fun of the person who's pointing out the flaws in yours.

Let me take your 'points' one by one. 1) Good for you - you found attribution for the PDF file - that's all I was asking for. (Someday when I have a minute, I might even verify its veracity.) However, what they owned (past tense) as I stated before, is MOOT.

2) You said "If the Clintons couldn't know what was in their blind trust, how'd they know to liquidate it?" (sigh) Um, did you even READ my post? Let's try this again. They didn't KNOW what was in their blind trust, hence the name 'BLIND trust'? Not a new concept for politicians. So when the rules of the FEC stipulate that a presidential candidate has to disclose their finances, the Clintons had to dissolve the blind trust, thus revealing its contents to them FOR THE FIRST TIME. They then chose to liquidate these stocks when they didn't have to, to avoid even an appearance of impropriety while taking a substantial financial hit in doing so. (FYI, the portfolio was valued at between $5 - $25 million, not just $5 mil.) They did not reinvest so as to avoid any stocks that could be possible conflicts of interest. Loaning $5 mil. to her campaign had nothing to do with anything re: their stock holdings.

3) Yes, my articles were dated 6/07 - they sold their stock in 5/07. (The article you attached was also dated 6/07, if you'd looked at it more closely.) Your article just proved my point: that in your previous post you were erroneously accusing the Clintons of knowingly profiting from everything from the Pentagon's excesses to Grandma's medicine and sucking the country dry. Oh, those terrible, terrible Clintons!

Some ostensibly very smart and very motivated people with deep pockets have tried to pin financial wrongdoings on the Clintons before and failed. You haven't proved anything here but the points in my original post.

I'll have to agree with Minnie Z. Hillary is a "thoroughbred politician".

Hillary's chances are better

She's still more electable than Obama.

He began with a strong messianic following but has blown it.

I've posted this before, but here it is again

"[Hillary] was always going to take Pennsylvania, but a while back, people wagered she would take it by a gigundo landslide. Obama narrowed the gap in popularity between them to 9+ percentage points (10 points if you round up). What does this tell you? As time goes by, Obama's popularity goes up, and Hillary's goes down. Now what does that tell you about who has better chances in the general election (especially as the primary contests drag on and on)?"

She was the front runner at the beginning; everyone assumed she would win. Even I wanted to vote for her 1,000 news cycles ago. She is now behind and in debt. Who began strong but blew it? Obama is flush, Clinton in debt. Obama's doing alright! I can't wait to see the numbers for April.

Excuse me? Have you SEEN the news lately?

Does Obama appear to be the happy-go-lucky, carefree, in command, 'in the lead' candidate to you?

Noooo. He looks like a man beset with a world of troubles with his candidacy when the voters in the upcoming primaries and the now all-important superdelegates start adding up all his political baggage and liabilities: the hugely embarrassing and (relentlessly) ongoing Rev. Wright debacle, his so-called 'elitist' speech in San Francisco re: blue collar voters in PA and elsewhere, and his association with a former Weatherman.

These raise very serious questions about his electability come November and this is just what's come out NOW - just wait and see what happens if the GOP 'swiftboat' machinery gets hold of him. Welcome to the real world of grown-up politics, Sen. Obama! Hillary's been living in this real world for decades!

I've said this before here in these blogs and I'll say it again. THIS is what happens when the media is so soft on a candidate as the MSM was on Obama - so much so that he's being vetted NOW at the latest stages of the Democratic primary. It's a mess. Obama isn't "doing alright" at this juncture. He's in big trouble, that much is clear.

Fortunately, we still have a fantastically viable candidate in Hillary. And I too can't wait to see their April fundraising numbers. Hillary's camp was blown away when she raised over $10 million in the FIRST 24 HOURS after her win in PA - mostly from NEW donors! She gained tremendous momentum after that victory and that was well before the second shoe of Obama's Rev. Wright mess dropped.

Yep, this should be very interesting now...

Can't you give us one?

Dayum!We haven't had much to celebrate lately.I'm just sayin'.....

Ditto

Ditto.

Danger

It appears you all are supporting Hillary *solely* because she's a woman, ignoring everything else she is (a dishonest politician ensnared by the tendrils of corporate money). I appreciate the humor of boning her, but in no way am I dying for her to be elected.

I am frightened by what I see here and elsewhere as a girls' club that votes against its own interests in order to preserve the verisimilitude of sisterhood. She is female, yes, and so are we, but she's also a cheat. She flatters McCain at Obama's expense, she still is advocating to overturn the DNC rules in regards Michigan and Florida (even though all the Democratic candidates, including her, initially agreed to abide), she lies/panders/triangulates whenever she feels it would be popular, and she has no qualms about resorting to Karl Rove-tactics to get elected. If she were a man, you all wouldn't care a thing about her; I guarantee you.

Please consider how much you'd like her if she didn't have ladyparts like you and wouldn't be any fun to bang.

momentum is turning toward Hillary

I freely admit that I am supporting Hillary for the "sole" reason she is a WOMAN. And, damn proud to do it. It's time for women to consolidate their power and put it into action. Men have been doing this for eons. Plus, she brings the credentials. She's a worthy, well qualified candidate. This is the first time in my lifetime (and, in American history) where I may have an opportunity to vote for FEMALE US president. Hillary Clinton is a FIGHTER. She's articulate, smart as a whip and is politically savy. Women have always had to fight their way to the table to even play in this "white, old boys" world. The fact that's she gotten this far speaks volumes about her ability to get things done. GO HILLARY!!

I like Obama but believe he is naive. I also know from the previous 8 years what can happen when we put inexperienced politicians in office - others behind the scenes will be the people who really set their own agenda in motion. Voting for Obama is voting for promises he may not be able to deliver on. A message of hope is great but at this point it's only "words". What has he really accomplished in his political life? Where has he put his vision in action? Plus, Obama is whining and equivocating over his pastor and that's not a quality I want in a president. Obama's past connections are gaining visibility. Can he stand the heat? Hillary has been put through the public and political grinder. I'm watching to see how well Obama can deal with the scrutiny.

hey colorado

Thanks CHUBE

That was excellent!! Robin Morgan nailed it. I used to be a fan of Russert, Matthews and CNN. Their willingness to publically voice such openly sexist remarks surprised me. I still can't believe there wasn't a bigger outcry over it.

Oba-mama!!

Hmmm....I wonder how much you'd like Obi if he did have "lady parts"??!!!

(now there's a nauseating thought!)

I just had to login to tell

I just had to login to tell you, evilcow, how much I'm liking your posts. And agreeing with.

Bravo.

editor

Ditto, Rossi.

Ditto, Rossi.

I support Hillary

Because she will make a better president than Obama. Period.

I don't think Obama's got the stuff to make it through the general election. All I hear is whining about Hillary's tactics. Does he or his supporters think the Repugnicans are going to go easy on him?

Your friend,
Rusty
[lesbian humor; what a concept]
+ + + + + + + +
“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

She would make a better President?

Why according to what logic and/or stats? From whom did you hear whining about Hillary's tactics? Scroll up and read my comments about her financials. For your comfort, I will succumb to your generalization about Obama supporters and whine about her tactics for you: Her tactics are to take your piddling tax dollars in one hand and invitations to lunch from her super-wealthy friends in the other, and see which hand fills up faster. (Clue: the party who receives her positive legislation also pays her bar tab.)

Now, to address Obama's "stuff", as you put it.

From my favorite blog, www.lesbiatopia.com,

"But she took Pennsylvania!" I can hear people screaming at me. Check this: she was always going to take Pennsylvania, but a while back, people wagered she would take it by a gigundo landslide. Obama narrowed the gap in popularity between them to 9+ percentage points (10 points if you round up). What does this tell you? As time goes by, Obama's popularity goes up, and Hillary's goes down. Now what does that tell you about who has better chances in the general election (especially as the primary contests drag on and on)?

Did we whine and cry during the primaries she didn't win?

Butch up Evil! I am constantly enlightened and entertained by Gloria's commentary on current events. If your candidate - whoever he may be - is selected, it will be by their merit. Why isn't that sentiment available to Hillary and her supporters? Enough already!!! I'm just sayin'.....

Waah, waah, waah...

I'm just sayin'.....

I'm sorry Gloria....

I got sooooo off track that I declined to compliment you on your fabulous attire right before you do the nasty with Hill on the bar!I'm just sayin'.....