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My Un-Lawfully Wedded Blank
July 25, 2007 - 3:00am — Chloé Harris
Show of hands: How many lesbians regularly hog the aisles at Barnes & Noble thumbing through page after page of campy bridal rag after campy bridal rag in search of the perfect poufy duchess satin princess gown? Seriously, tell me. I’m not judging … the 288-page Vera Wang on Weddings sits atop a stack of fashiony coffee-table tomes in my own home office. What? It has gorgeous photos!
Despite my years spent as a fashion editor (or possibly because of them), I wasn’t all about the all-about-the-gown phenomenon. I bought my own wedding dress — a sexy, silky, slip of a thing — at a charity boutique in San Francisco that gives all its cash to the mentally retarded. Frank and I weren’t even officially engaged. But the dress was never the point. I wanted a real partner, and the kind of marriage that would fly in the face of our country’s depressing divorce rate — never mind that legal marriage isn’t open to us in California. But stay with me: the word “partner” is key here.
Back when we were dating, I called Frank my “girlfriend.” Though I think “my girlfriend Frank” may be an oxymoron, I adopted the epithet, despite its obvious gender connotation, because “partner” seemed like a very formal synonym for such a new lover. The thesaurus was less than helpful: Honeybunch? Not so much. But when we decided to get married last fall, finding the appropriate term of endearment for Frank became serious business. While I am happy to be her wife, Frank, a butch-leaning lesbian, is one of those most charming gender-benders. She is gifted with the best of both worlds, equally masterful with a spatula and a dremel. (I don’t really know what a dremel is, but it sounds dyke enough.) Anyway, “my wife Frank” just wouldn’t cut it.
I recently rambled at length on the problem in a column called “Le Lang of Love” — published in Bond, a brand-spankin’-new “alternative wedding magazine” that features “lesbians” on one of its three debut covers.
Long story made blog, I am married to a blank. Seriously … I can’t call Frank “my wife,” but neither of us likes “partner.” I know it’s PC, but does anyone else think that “partner” is a little impersonal? We tried to make up a new moniker by marrying the words “husband” and “wife”: “hife” and “wubby” are ridiculous, no?
Now, after five-and-a-half married months, we’re still on the quest to reinvent the language of marriage so that it might better suit us. Because when I introduce Frank as my (blank), I want it to attest that she is the one with whom I am crazy and forever in love, without falling back on the traditional lingo that does not define us. So now I ask you — lesbos, bis, trannies, partners, marrieds and singles alike — what do you, or would you, call your (blank)?
Despite my years spent as a fashion editor (or possibly because of them), I wasn’t all about the all-about-the-gown phenomenon. I bought my own wedding dress — a sexy, silky, slip of a thing — at a charity boutique in San Francisco that gives all its cash to the mentally retarded. Frank and I weren’t even officially engaged. But the dress was never the point. I wanted a real partner, and the kind of marriage that would fly in the face of our country’s depressing divorce rate — never mind that legal marriage isn’t open to us in California. But stay with me: the word “partner” is key here.
Back when we were dating, I called Frank my “girlfriend.” Though I think “my girlfriend Frank” may be an oxymoron, I adopted the epithet, despite its obvious gender connotation, because “partner” seemed like a very formal synonym for such a new lover. The thesaurus was less than helpful: Honeybunch? Not so much. But when we decided to get married last fall, finding the appropriate term of endearment for Frank became serious business. While I am happy to be her wife, Frank, a butch-leaning lesbian, is one of those most charming gender-benders. She is gifted with the best of both worlds, equally masterful with a spatula and a dremel. (I don’t really know what a dremel is, but it sounds dyke enough.) Anyway, “my wife Frank” just wouldn’t cut it.
I recently rambled at length on the problem in a column called “Le Lang of Love” — published in Bond, a brand-spankin’-new “alternative wedding magazine” that features “lesbians” on one of its three debut covers.
Long story made blog, I am married to a blank. Seriously … I can’t call Frank “my wife,” but neither of us likes “partner.” I know it’s PC, but does anyone else think that “partner” is a little impersonal? We tried to make up a new moniker by marrying the words “husband” and “wife”: “hife” and “wubby” are ridiculous, no?
Now, after five-and-a-half married months, we’re still on the quest to reinvent the language of marriage so that it might better suit us. Because when I introduce Frank as my (blank), I want it to attest that she is the one with whom I am crazy and forever in love, without falling back on the traditional lingo that does not define us. So now I ask you — lesbos, bis, trannies, partners, marrieds and singles alike — what do you, or would you, call your (blank)?
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92 Comments
soul mate
How about soul mate? Or is that too new agey?
Janine Avril
www.myspace.com/janineavril
I prefer "THANG"
My girlfriends have always enjoyed being referred to as my "thang". Just an idea.
For the more sentimental amongst you, her is another choice.
My 5 year old niece once asked me if (insert name, I can't remember which one it was) was my "dear".
I asked her to explain. She said "well, Mommy is Daddy's dear, and Mimi is Papa's dear, so is (again, who knows) your dear?"
Either of the two works nicely for me. I HATE partner. I actually have a partner and she does the taxes and handles the employee bullshit for our LLC. She is not someone with whom I would choose to have sex or with whom I would enjoy making decisions about interior decorating. However, we are required to file joint income tax returns on THAT partnership, so go figure.
Partner sucks. Give me my THANG.
Actually Neo, if you can't
Actually Neo, if you can't remember her name, its a pretty sure bet that she wasn't your "dear". Now THANG, yeah, that sounds about right.
Btw, my ex-husband was Sweetie so that one's out too.
I'd say...
I'd call my lovey "lovey." I think it's sweet... but perhaps overused by people like myself. I'll have to try and make it exclusive.
I know Lovey. That's
I know Lovey. That's Thurston Howell, III's wife. She used to hang with Mary Ann and Ginger. Please send my warm regards.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
Spice
Hmmm, I kind of like the word Spice, it sounds like spouse but more personal and fun....I can imagine saying something like Hi! this is my spice Anna. Lol, on second thoughts, it sounds like I'm going to use her to do some cooking, so I guess that won't really work either.
love
Man what a cool topic! I get so over excited when there's all this marriage talk that I have to take my asthma pump! It's so cute reading through everyone's comments. I like Rovermoms 'bon' and I agree and approve of the hotties on the front cover! I also like the word 'beau', or how about 'this is Frank my lovecake?' No. Erm. I think wubby is quite cool, and if you're confused just say it plenty of times and it'll feel like it's the norm. wubby wubby wubby wubby. Erm actually no, that sounded like something you'd hear in a thai sex show! But yeah bon, beau, babe, wife, love of my life, other half, sunshine, moonlight, good times...boogie.
Sorry off the point again, I'm sure you'll find your phrase. My ex and I used to go through phases of nick naming each other animals, like I always call her chicken, like 'Hi chicken' or 'what you up to chicken fajita', 'miss you chicken salad', 'nite chicken head'. Then it'd be duck, billy goat, turtle, orangutan!
Even though the whole animal theme was silly, just by someone naming me with unspoken loving meaning meant more than chocolate covered music (and as I'm music loving chocoholic, that meant a hell of a lot!)
Time and tongues will throw something at you without you realising.
Best of luck with everything.x
Is Neo a merkin?!
Ahem
That was Minnie who suggested "bon" but since you mentioned chicken fajita and orangutan in one comment, I forgive you.
Mi blog
Oh shish kebab
I'm sorry Minnie, it's been a long day, it's gone 1am, it's been manic at work, and I'm back there in a couple of hours, i'm tired, i haven't seen sunshine for months and i'm thirsty but can't be assed to go downstairs and make myself a drink. So please forgive me, I like the word bon props to you. Inventive.x
Is Neo a merkin?!
Re: Oh shish kebab
Oh, I'm really happy you made a mistake because I love that subject label, "Oh shish kebab." Now that is inventive!
Mi blog
Re: something you'd hear in a thai sex show
Care to share?
Your friend,
Rusty
[my blog]
* * * * *
"A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer." - Buffy
thai sex shows and more
Well it seems some Asian dialects find it difficult to pronounce their R's. Us lot we roll our R's, but japanese/chinese/thai for example somtimes have difficulty in the pronounciation and it comes out as a W...Therefore wubby wubby wubby, would be rubby rubby rubby but in a thai accent.
I've actually seen a ping pong show before (which is different from a sex show because you don't see any sex you see ping pongs-erm-obviously!), I sat there my mouth almost as wide as the pussy hole on display!! One girl even pooped i mean popped, actually stick with pooped, out a banana from her poon. It was very wrong. But when I overcame the shock I laughed and laughed and laughed. It still was very wrong. They did plenty of other stuff (i'll explain the full story another time maybe!) but it is fascinating what the human body is capable of. They could probably run an entire factory with their big bombastic bushes!
x
Is Neo a merkin?!
Eeeesh...
Oddly (though not oddly), I won't and cannot laugh at this. And thank you for adopting the most famous of patriarchal humors... *shudders*... "The Silly Sex Worker!"
("Oh, what a hoot!" *tosses nickel* "Bimbo's gotta feed the kids!")
You may be only kidding... but I'm not. The life of a Thai woman is no joke, man. Or for the children of Thailand for that matter. I guess it's a bit of a soft spot for me and what I work for...
Yeah, that hurts... *holds heart*
Apologies
I was not laughing at the thai women, I was chuckling simply the action of popping a ping pong, banana, or blowing out candles. The truth behind the show is a sad reality that a large perentage of women face far from perfect lives, and have to lose their dignity, sell their bodies in order to survive. There are no easy options. I am well aware of that, I spent a great deal of my time talking and finding out sad, harsh and blunt realities and attempted to do some good whilst I was over there. I am sorry if this post has offended you, it was meant for jest of me being in the situation and not aimed at the women themselves, who face a constant struggle and a poverty that I shall never know. I will post a poem on my blog I wrote whilst I was there, a little more heart felt than my light hearted posts above. Then perhaps you will realise that I am a lot deeper and sympathetic than the cold clown I appear. Apologies again,
Love from love.x
There's Mojopo's version...and then there's the truth!
Sometimes a banana is just a banana
That is all.
Your friend,
Rusty
[my blog]
* * * * *
"A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer." - Buffy
Loveshtoned
May I give you a hug?
Mi blog
yes you may!
come ere you, bear HUG!
There's Mojopo's version...and then there's the truth!
True enough. Let us all be
True enough. Let us all be well aware that humor has absolutely no place in reality.
Ms. Davis, if I may ask one question, I was wondering...did you ever try on two eye patches as a bikini top? I think you'd look hot.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
Wow
Wow, Loveshrooms, we need to TALK. The Peep Shows in NYC are as entertaining and enlightening. The only proper way to do this is to get very, very high. Bring quarters and at least two friends.
You've never felt like a bigger ass, a laughing ass, until the manager of a peep show tells you to "...keep it down, stop making such a spectacle of yourself...!"
Man, the shit I put up with for a gas grill.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
You made a spectacle of yourself
At a peepshow? You're my hero Mojo Po.
Your friend,
Rusty
[my blog]
* * * * *
"A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer." - Buffy
I did. I had every right to
I did. I had every right to see that guy shove armloads of man toys up his chute. While high. I loved America, when it was free.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
You're too funny mojopo lady!
I'll never hear happy birthday in the same light again, the lights dimmed, and the asian techno poppy crap cut, I swatted at the thai girls in white bikinis, buzzing round my money filled pockets, massaging my shoulders for a quick buck, distracting me from what was to come. Then pow, the music came on an up-tempo, screetchy happy birthday song, a girl appears on stage with a cake and places it in th centre, another girl does a forward roll, puts a straw up herself (for precision) and puffs out the candles with gigantic fanny farts from her pom pom. I was gobsmacked, and also scared that I was a little too close to the stage. I mean I could have been blown so far away that when I stand up to get my bearings a little dog called toto appears?! You never know. Because next thing two girls who were back in the shadows edged forward put paper darts in the front of the straws and used them as a blow dart to pop the balloons, on landed in our ash tray. I almost hit the ceiling in fear of catching something. Gross. Wrong. But yes I laughed.
Didn't know there was such a thing in NYC shall we go sometime, I'll bring the quarters, you get me high?
x
Is Neo a merkin?!
It still was very wrong.
That is hysterical.
Please start doing podcasts. In my brain I am trying to hear your comment in a British accent and it just isn't working. The ability to hear accents part of my brain is totally screwed up because I grew up in Chicago, lived in Texas for a while, and now I'm in California.
Your friend,
Rusty
[my blog]
* * * * *
"A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer." - Buffy
Mojopocasts
Why not Guestbian blogs?
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
Voices, accents and podcasts
Wow sounds like you've been a fair few places. Where'd ya like best? And where abouts in Cali are you?
I'm a londoner, and in all my family videos, of me when I was little, I talk with a strong cockney accent, but I somehow grew out of it. Because of my sport, the girls I chilled with were all posh, so gradually my accent changed. I've got a good ear for accents so it only takes a couple of weeks for it to change, it's odd, my mum never can tell if it's me that answers the phone!! Where I'm working at the moment is quite upmarket so I say my t's and h's (in other words I speak properley, and sound like I'm Kate Winslet's sister) I finish in two weeks though, so that is soon to fade and I'll go back to sounding more like Amy Winehouse!!! I'm not even joking. Glad I made you laugh though, I'll consider the podcasts although I haven't the faintest how to do it, plus I wouldn't know what voice you'd want it in. I can do Chicago, perhaps I'll start with that.x
Is Neo a merkin?!
Not Chicago or Texas
I know what Chicago and Texas sound like. I'd like to hear it in a British accent-proper, cockney, or otherwise.
Parts of Texas are wonderful. Not Bushlike at all (Austin and San Antonio). I went to school in Denton Texas. While there, I learned to love Molly Ivins, The Texas Pickup (served the best chicken-fried steak in Texas, and Brave Combo.
Now I'm in the Inland Empire (1/2 between San Diego and Los Angeles and entirely too close to the desert).
Your friend,
Rusty the Happy Wanderer
[my blog]
* * * * *
"A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer." - Buffy
Screw 'em!
No offense, but screw the French...they don't recognize same sex marriage so why should we borrow from their admittedly romantic language to define our unionations? (Not counting French-speaking Canadians...they're okay.)
Let's go for some Spanish 'cause at least Spain allows same sex marriage.
Or maybe something Afrikaans? Perhaps French is okay, depending on if you're Walloon in Belgium...or back to German if you're Flemish.
How about Esperanto? Is their an acceptable Esperanto version of marriage?
-sg.
"It's easy on the Moon."
heyyyy !!! i'm french ! so
heyyyy !!! i'm french ! so be nice will you !
broke ass montain girl :)
Esperanto? Yes, there is an
Esperanto? Yes, there is an esperanto version of marriage. I believe it's called swinging. While it's perfectly understandable for you to question the limits of your sexuality, one must be prepared to have a lava lamp and bear skin rugs to swing properly. Your record collection should be ripe and full of 70's porn music, and you might want to invest in some nice halter tops.
Good luck.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
rear window indeed!
Quit freakin' spyin' on me!
-sg.
"It's easy on the Moon."
That's my eyeball print on
That's my eyeball print on your window pane. The glass, not the acid, you pinko hippy.
P.S.: Your ankle socks are under the couch with granola crumbs all over them.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
C'eau?
Significant Other => SO => Ç'eau, which would be a French spelling of something pronounced "so". The French speakers can correct me, but I think "ç'eau" would mean something like "that water". What with water being the essence of life, something you cannot possible live without, "ç'eau" might be meaningful semantically as well as phonetically...sorta.
Just a random little thought....
—
“I'd like you to think of me as someone you'd put your teeth in for.”
—The Roches
that water = cette eau
that water = cette eau
broke ass montain girl :)
?
I thought it was l'eau for "the water"
yes , the water = l'eau
yes , the water = l'eau
this water = cette eau
the and this are not the same words !
broke ass montain girl :)
Chloe, how about this?
I was reading your post again. Well, actually I was staring at those two babes in the BOND magazine cover photo. And I thought of this:
Bon.
My bon.
It's bond without the "d". I just like the sound of it especially if you say it with a French accent.
Oh, and congrats on your official bon(ding) with Frank.
Mi blog
My bon Frank.
To Scarlet's dismay, j'adore My Bon Frank. I'm going to test drive it later...
C.
"Ball and chain" could work.
"Ball and chain" could work. That's what I call my girlfriend. Not to her face of course.
God! I hope she doesn't see this. Forget I said anything.
Mums
That's like when people ask how long we've been together...
TOO LONG!
:rimshot:
-sg.
"It's easy on the Moon."
Spouse
No matter what word you use, it's just a term. You know what the meaning is. I always referred to my wife as my wife after we got married (even though not legally). I think many of us used the term partner in the past for lack of anything better and it still sticks today.
The Civilized Unionification Date Is Pending
I say wife, girlfriend and "my babe". She throws like a girl, and so do I, so it's not so hard for us to use those terms.
I got to thinking about this. If we have a civil union, does that make us unionized? Call Norma Rae and find out. "Union! Union!" Nope, it just doesn't work.
If we have civil marriages, are we then civilized? "I'm being civilized with Mrs. X on Saturday at 3:00. Wear formal attire!"
What if I intro'ed my girl as my Gay Wife? "Yes, we are The Gay. My gay wife is the most gayest gay ever."
Partner is a term I still associate with law practices and business, and business makes me think "corporate". Corporations are killing the US. It would destroy my marriage, too, I bet.
All I want is to just call her my girlfriend or wife. Let people figure it out. If they can't, then they might be too stupid to breathe. In which case, I would recommend taping their mouths shut so that they might suffocate.
"unionated"
That's our term.
-sg.
"It's easy on the Moon."
Niiiice. Teamsters could
Niiiice. Teamsters could officiate. How very convenient.
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/
The ILGWU always sounded fun to me...
Look for the union label
when you are buying that coat, dress or blouse.
Remember somewhere our union's sewing,
our wages going to feed the kids, and run the house.
We work hard, but who's complaining?
Thanks to the I.L.G. we're paying our way!
So always look for the union label,
it says we're able to make it in the U.S.A.!
Watch the spot! It's a classic (ain't YouTube great?).
-sg.
"It's easy on the Moon."
So far none of these terms are appealing to me
I'm back from my nap and I see I've missed more singing. I remember this song with fondness, weird I know. I was staying with an "old maid aunt" (hint, guess why she was a 'old maid'?) and I remember the Union Label commercials coming on during her afternoon Stories.
Sorry - I got a little off track there. I must be channeling Loveshtoned. Anyway, I like the idea of c'eau but I don't like the spelling. I like what it implies, I like that is could be our term and not something that heterosexuals would probably use. How about it all you Language Guru's? What is another word that sounds like SO/c'eau?
I've forgotton what it is now
but yay back when, when the swinging hippie lifestyle hadn't hoed down my parents marriage, my dad referred to mum by a word relating to the pagan festival for spring. I know i know, could they be more hippiefied. He reasoned it through because of the new life/ eternal youth/ rejuvination connotations it has. I'd say it's got potential as a good'un and im gonna try and remember it. Anyone wanna jump in?
**ps festival was imbaulk and no that wasn't the word lol!**
Cummer again?
German makes much sense (except when it comes to having a gender-identified article for everything dang noun...I've had many a moot debate, speaking of oxymorons, with many a Frau about the need to identify the sex of a table).
Shy of that, partner works very well to not offend straight folks...since it is so devoid of SEX!!
Now...for those of you who both like to offend folks, potentially, and stay true to existing, traditional language, here's a great word for partner/girlfriend/wife that I've tirelessly, yet so far futilely, promoted as a keen term for the afore-mentioned female on female relationship...
Ready?
CUMMER (the all-caps aren't really necessary, unless you're the flaming dyke type).
Is that okay?
Yes, cummer...found while reading the dictionary one day (in the pre-Internet dark ages when people read dictionaries and encyclopedia for fun).
The good ol' Webster's Dictionary in which I found this (long donated to a thrift shop, I'm sure) defined cummer as "a female companion." Granted, even way back then, there was a notation about it being archaic. All the more reason to resurrect, says I!
Now m-w.com teases by offering it in its "unabridged" version ("sign up for a free trial"--not)...and dictionary.com makes it sound a bit more creepy (invoking its origins, Scot, commare or godmother).
Still, work with me here...the freakin' word turned up between 1275 and 1325, so its provenance is quite impressive.
So...cummer. It sounds just as it should.
Speaking of fun sounds, if you ever want to have fun harassing friends and coworkers (and if you get fired, you've been warned, okay?)...go to m-w.com and make it pronounce dirty words (or open tabs and make m-w.com recite dirty sentences). Yep, it will put voice to all those nasty nothings you know you like! Sure, it's sophomoric, but certainly lightens up a dull, slow afternoon under the fluorescents.
-sg.
"It's easy on the Moon."
Scarlet, its the same with
Scarlet, its the same with Spanish & me. I was offended that every noun had a male & female version. I mean, who decides if the table is masculine or not??! Some guy I'm sure. It pissed me off so much I shut down and consequently, flunked the course. It sounded like as good of an excuse as any at the time.
Pugsy, I always wondered about that too...
I love Spanish but the feminine & masculine articles always confused me. That's party why I nicknamed my dear departed kitty, "El Gato." Because she was a she and "El" is a "he" and I thought she might enjoy the gender confusion. I miss my she/he kitty, sigh.
Mi blog
Senor Don Gato was a Cat
Minnie, do you know that kids song about Senor Don Gato? I think it was a Mexican folk song. Anyway I learned it in 4th grade music and I loved it! I could just imagine Don Gato sitting on a high red roof reading a love letter - and so the song goes.