Monday, while on a rare solo mission to get breakfast at a little cafe near my apartment, I ran into Elle Fanning, Dakota Fanning's 9-year-old sister. It was a chance encounter that has me re-thinking my career goals. I'm thinking that this whole professional lesbian thing is cool, but I need to add nanny and life coach to my resume!

I first noticed little Elle while she was singing (beautifully, I might add) to herself while checking out the cafe's cake and pie selection. Then when she turned around and caught me listening to her, she smiled at me and I instantly recognized her as the little girl from a particularly intense episode of Law & Order: SVU.



Much like her older sister, Elle is definitely a woman trapped in a little girl's body. I swear I felt like I was talking to my college professor...and I didn't even have a college professor! The good thing is, she ain't creepy and obnoxious like some of those little genius kids can be. She seemed very well adjusted. The only difference between her at age 9 and me at age 9 is that she just wrapped filming The Nutcracker movie while in Budapest for 4 months, and I had just finished learning the hard way that my right eyebrow would not grow back in a few hours if I used my mom's razor to shave it.

I don't want Elle or Dakota to stray and be all Drew Barrymore circa '85. I'm sure the Fanning family is reading this, so I want to publicly announce my bid to be the Fanning's nanny-slash-real-life coach.



Things Elle and Dakota can already do:

Speak Spanish and French.
Alrighty, that's fantastic. We're already off to a great start. In exchange for lessons from the girls, I will teach them *real*-life slang and lingo, and show them how to get a $50 rug from a street vendor for $23 after tax.

Play piano and violin.
Excellent. In exchange for lessons from the girls, I will take them to the Santa Monica Pier and show them how to set up a successful business model. As a *real*-life, hands-on example, I will provide two hats and a hand-written sign that says "Will sing fo' skrilla" and have the older one play pian-uh while the little one sings her heart out. Just keep thinking of those cupcakes, Elle, and we'll make a mint!

Swim at near-Olympic levels.
Ok, cool. They like pools. So they can probably learn how to play pool quite easily. I'll relax by their pool while they learn from the professional I bring in from Vegas. A couple of weeks later, if we happen to be at a dive bar on Sunset at 1 in the morning and I happen to pretend I'm drunk and making outrageous claims that the girls I'm babysitting could beat anyone in here on the felt...and they happen to whoop some biker's ass in a game, and we happen to walk outta there with 10 large...well then so be it!

Ride race horses.
If a 13-year-old is at the point in her life where she can do all this stuff, AND enter the Kentucky Derby if she wanted, I should be allowed to teach the girls how to drive! Don't you think?? We'll start out in mall parking lots and work our way up to trips to and from San Diego where I have a little business to take care of. Think of it as their own "Driving Ms. Arlan."

Now in case you're thinking, 'Arlan, slow your roll. Elle's merely a CHILD. She couldn't possibly keep up with this demanding schedule or pick up everything you're trying to teach her.'...uh, I submit to you this video of Elle chit chatting with Ryan Reynolds and Melissa McCarthy about a movie she did last year. Get about 2 minutes into it and you'll see what I'm dealing with here:



After a year of being this chick's nanny, I'll be able to speak so many languages and finally point out Bolivia on a world map. She might end up with corn rows and a few extra aunties from lesbian bars Nanny Arlan frequents, but I promise you knowing the difference between a fake Louis Vuitton handbag and the real deal by the time she's 10 will do her a world of good! And all our quality time together will certainly keep her away from the likes of Britney Spears' little sister. *shudder*

I'll leave you now with this clip of Elle on the episode of SVU I mentioned at the top of this post. Keep in mind, she was EIGHT YEARS OLD when she did this fine piece of acting. Oh, and if they do a movie version of my stint as the Fanning's nanny, I want Queen Latifah to play me.

...Elle and Dakota can play themselves.